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Sister in law hates me

(16 Posts)
Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 10:12:14

Hi, I have some issues with the sister in law of my partner. She goes out of her way to make me feel and look bad, this has gone on ever since I first met her. Gradually getting worse and worse, I lied about my age when I first met my partner, I didn't see it as anything serious at the time. But when she found out she made a massive issue out of it. Sadly by conincidence they live on the same street as us. At the start we used to invite them round, I mentioned in convo the year I moved into my house, I didn't realise but I had got the year wrong by one year. She went home looked it up on Internet when we moved in then gossiped behind my back that I did it on purpose for some reason. we went to South America on holiday, we had saved all year for this extended back picking trip and even done car boots. I wasn't aware to the extent she bad mouthed me to my partners family behind my back at this stage. But I could sense an obvious tension with her. Even though the relationship was awkward we still were okay with them by this point. On the day we were leaving to go to South America, our street has on street parking and close to city centre so rapidly gets full of cars. My boyfriend nipped into town for a last minute item and took my car and on return couldn't park outside our house so had to park near there's. Instead of asking us if she could move the car later in the day to park there's. She texted me accusing me of doing it on purpose swearing at me. Its not private parking it's for general use of anyone. But it was a really aggressive conversation and I told her it was my partner her brother in law. who left it there not me. I don't know what to do since then I have tried ignoring her, not going to family functions, stood up to her told her how I feel, acted the same way she is to me, tried a lot of different approaches but nothing seems to work. From the start she has gone out of her way to make me feel really unwelcome and not part of the family, trying to make me look stupid and rude and a bad person. There is another family function today, I'm staying at my mums for a couple of days but could go back for it. But my partner says he will go alone this time if I don't want to go. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I would rather stay at my mums someone who loves me. But I don't want this to cause further issues between me and my partner in some way. The way she makes me feel like it's my fault, it's really upsetting. I've tried to talk to my partner, he isn't close to his brother and never has been really, and doesn't like them. I was trying to get them closer together but not it's worse then ever.

Pagwatch Sat 21-May-16 10:15:40

If your partner doesn't like his brother and you and his partner don't get on I would just avoid her.
I'd go and ignore her or go somewhere else.

If your partner was close to his brother that might cause more problems but wouldn't it be relatively easy to just avoid her. You don't have to like each other.

Pagwatch Sat 21-May-16 10:16:35

It's not your job to make your partner and his brother closer. You shouldn't worry about that. His brother might be an arsehole.

ElspethFlashman Sat 21-May-16 10:18:26

If your partner has no interest in them why should you? Just ignore her from now on, and only see her when necessary. and if you don't want to go today, don't. If you and your partner are for the long term there will be other occasions when you feel stronger.

MooPointCowsOpinion Sat 21-May-16 10:24:54

I don't get on with one of my SILs and tbh it rarely impacts me, there are functions we are both at and we will talk briefly and politely. No need to be nasty to each other though. She sounds like she's going out of her way to be a cow.

The best way to handle it would be to act politely puzzled by her behaviour, and attend any function you want to. She has no control over you, and you go where you want, and when she's nasty just look confused and say 'oh dear what is the matter?'

Show her to be the unreasonable one.

icedcherrytea Sat 21-May-16 11:05:02

Go to the family function! Stand united with your DP. Smile sweetly at her and have lots of fun with everyone else. She doesn't matter. She really doesn't.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 11:21:13

Thanks guys for the encouragement, I'm going to go your right! I have had a bit of a difficult time the last few years, my dad died and I have had 2 miscarriages the last one being in December. She works in our local hospital as an admin, she always seems to know we have been to hospital even though we haven't told them anything. Telling my partners mum she has seen us and questioning why we were there. It does cause a lot of division in the family the issue, it upsets my partners mum and grandma. But like I say I have tried every approach I can think of to sort it out with her, being nice, confronting her, ignoring her, staying away etc. Bullying is a strong word but that's how my reactions are as if I'm a victim of bullying. My behaviour then portrays me in a way I'm not, I'm quite an outgoing person and like meeting people. But I have become shy and reserved around my partners family. When we first met them, she wasn't speaking to my partners cousin who is a central figure in the family and always making her look bad. But then she fell out with us over the car parking and suddenly all issues with the cousin were forgiven and everything was directed at me. I want to get the strength inside me to stand up to her and be me. It's really tough though, I love my partner to bits we have been through so much together good and bad. I Just want to go and have a good time, just got to try and believe in myself that I can be strong and do this.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 11:24:23

I'm going to try to handle it in a much more grown up way then I have been. Something for me to learn from. Thank you for your support ladies

magoria Sat 21-May-16 11:28:11

If she knows you have been in hospital and works there in any way officially report her.

She should not be telling anyone she saw you there or anything.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 11:31:13

It's hard because they live on the same street as us, so really hard to have any distance physically and emotionally. If we park our car even now near the house which I did a couple of weeks ago. By chance his brother was walking up to his house at the same time and just stared at me even going into his house staring at me. I stared right back at him, but he didn't say anything. I tried to tell my partner but he gets upset that his behaviour upsets me and tells me just to ignore it. When I came to my mums house I was putting my stuff in the car and he again was making a point of staring at me as I was getting in the car. It was really awkward, he got in his car drove up the road turned his car round on the street and slowly drive back down as I was setting up my sat nav. As he drove past my car he turned and stared in again at me sat in driver seat. On this occasion I just tried to ignore him from the start as my partner had said and didn't look at him but he just carried on. It's all very difficult. We have put our house up for sale in the hope this saga will soon be over, I think not living near each other will be more of a help for me to have some distance from the issue.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 11:33:03

She seems to know everything about the miscarriages we have had. It's all very strange, I have confronted her about that before when we had a 'clear the air' session.

EweAreHere Sat 21-May-16 11:33:40

Frankly, I'd report her for violating the terms of her employment ... she's breaking privacy health laws by (1) looking your files up and (2) sharing what she finds with anyone. Seriously, I'd try to ensure she lost her job over this.

springydaffs Sat 21-May-16 11:37:19

Magoria is right. Report her.

I'd also say stand up to her. Really turn the barrels on her. I don't mean ranting but VERY firm. she is a bully and sometimes we need to stand up to bullies.

I was recently bullied in a social setting and I said, very sharply, Pack it in! I added nothing to it, just Pack it in (don't know where that phrase came from tbh!). He was taken aback and has grovelled from then on. Don't be afraid to take her on in a social setting. She's behaving like a kid so treat her like a kid and tell her off.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sat 21-May-16 11:46:56

Guys you are so right I'm not going to be a victim any more. I've told my partner in going to be home for the do and just emailed PALS at the hospital to ask what the process is to find out if she has accessed my medical records. You know I'm starting to feel stronger just got to keep it together. Thank you guys can't tell you how much you have helped.

coco1810 Sat 21-May-16 11:52:42

My SIL is an absolute bitch. She caused a massive argument between DP and BIL who have not spoken consequently for over 11 years. She's passive aggressive in her actions by twisting the knife with MIL regarding my family. Like yours, they live over the road but we have gone NC with her and a lot of DP family as the lies she has told caused so much upset for DP. She's not brave enough to be around me because she knows I will tell her exactly what I think of her. She's taken my DC cousins away from them and turned DN away from their uncle. angryangryangry

springydaffs Sat 21-May-16 12:01:16

oh well done!

Keep it short (and sharp!). Don't get into any long-winded retorts. Just pack it in (if that's your thing lol!) or 'That's enough!' etc. Maybe not 'Behave yourself!' but you get the gist grin

Just remember she's a mealy-mouthed little thing to 'need' to do something like this ie stage a campaign against you. You're not the first, remember (cousin was first). This is what she does. Stop her in her tracks.

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