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Not sure what to think.

8 replies

nswtt1977 · 20/05/2016 22:02

Quick background- married 8 years, together 12. DH was seperated and almost divorced at the time we met (3 years) and had split from a GF 6 months before we got together. We dated for 5 months then he split with me out of the blue which really hurt at the time but I had no choice but to accept it. A couple of months later he got back in touch saying he wanted to be with me and needed the time apart to fully realise this.

Anyway the rest his history, we got back together etc etc.

He has recently said something that confirms that he slept with his ex wife and ex gf during this time! He didn't tell me directly, just slipped up when drunk and on questioning admitted it.

He says it was just part of his process to get where we are today.

Its years ago and we were not together but it has hurt me a bit. I don't know why. Am I being too sensitive?

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DoloresVanCartier · 20/05/2016 22:04

Sorry to hear that this has upset you, although I think you are being a little over sensitive as you were not together at the time. Hope you get through this

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nswtt1977 · 21/05/2016 08:34

Thanks. It's probably just me overthinking it. It's the keeping it from me that hurts. He was all over me when we got back together with the questionning about whether I had been with other men in our time apart. I asked him the question back and it was a No. Suppose he wouldn't want to share that that.

It has also made me question a few things when we together during the 5 months before we broke up. He had a few nights where he had to stay at his ex W house due to having to be there for the kids in the morning so she could go on courses etc (they lived 20 miles away). Just made me wonder if that is the full truth or not.

It was a long time ago though so maybe I'll just have to let it go.

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ButIbeingpoor · 21/05/2016 09:20

Hmmmm. How is your relationship now? Has he ever given you reason to be concerned in your marriage?
Normally I would be suspicious of a liar but his lie refers to a time when he was not with you so a lie in this instance was to help your relationship. My exH was and is an utter utter liar. He lies to cover up lies and then lies a bit more. I get the impression your DH isn't like this, so I might give him a formal warning.

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AnyFucker · 21/05/2016 09:27

I am not surprised you are questioning other stuff now. I would conclude that the "break" he had with you was genuine but that there never was a "break" with the exW at least and that he still had a foot in the door (as it were) the whole time in those early days.

But like you said, what you gonna do about it now ? If you were under the impression he was 100% trustworthy, I would dial that right back. He lied for his own convenience...a little bit of respect for someone dies when you discover that.

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ImperialBlether · 21/05/2016 09:37

I would certainly think something had been going on during those first few months. It's not uncommon for people to think they can have a friends-with-benefits situation with their exes.

He has lied to you and, worse, asked you what you'd been up to, knowing he's been up to worse (because it would have been so personal, sleeping with exes) and then denied he'd done anything.

It's always hard when you realise someone's been lying - it's a painful process when things start falling into place.

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nswtt1977 · 21/05/2016 09:58

Thanks for answering. It's the lying and double standards that is bugging me the most. The other problem is he and his ex are still friends and whilst time has passed, it just makes me question if there has been any more to this long term "friendship" than I am aware of. If they were still sleeping together 3 years after separating (although he says it was just the once!!!) then who knows. I think he broke up with the girlfriend before me because of interference from the ex too.

Maybe I am just reading into it too much but it is making me have thoughts I don't like.

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ImperialBlether · 21/05/2016 10:34

If he wasn't seeing you, why would he only sleep with her once?

I wouldn't like the fact he split up with you out of the blue - that's a really horrible thing to do and frankly it sounds as though there was someone else involved in his decision.

Do you live in his house or does he live in yours? Are there any children involved?

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nswtt1977 · 21/05/2016 11:08

We live together. We have been married for 8 years. We have one and he has two older ones from his first marriage.

It was out of the blue at the time. Lots of dates etc etc then "I'm not sure I can do this anymore" from nowhere.