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Heartbroken after 5 year relationship

(45 Posts)
heybabes Fri 20-May-16 11:37:11

Me and my boyfriend (ex) were together for 5 years, lived together for a while, had a dog together. We almost had a child but unfortunately it didn't work out which is something we were very upset by but unfortunately not ready for. We have been living apart for a year now, due to financial difficulties (he took out a loan, I was at uni and couldn't find a job where we lived) with the aim of saving up and moving back in together. He lives on his military camp, and I moved back in with my parents about 3 hours away from him. This has caused a lot of stress between us and we have argued a lot over the last year and my ex has gradually become very controlling, unpredictable and nasty. He has also been trying to move up in his job which he hates, but to no avail which has made him stressed, too.

I tried so many times to work our relationship as it was very hard. Unfortunately he didn't want to talk about how he was truly feeling, despite showing signs of depression and anxiety. He hated not having our own place again and having no money, and all the driving to see me. I have always been there for him, but it has been hard as he has taken a lot of his stress out on me which has caused big arguments and upset, lots of near-breaking up but also lots of making up as well as we do love each other a lot.

We had a huge argument over a week ago as he was pretty nasty to me, and he told me he just wanted to buy a house with me. I said we can't, not whilst it's like this and we couldn't get a mortgage anyway until he'd paid his loans off. I think this hit him quite hard - a bit of reality. However, we decided to have a big talk last weekend - I stayed over at his parents -about everything and how we would move forward through this difficult time, and for once we resolved things and admitted how much we loved each other and shouldn't be taking out our stress on each other. It seemed like I was finally getting through - he said it didn't matter because our living situation wasn't permanent, we would see how it goes, we'd keep saving for the moment, I would look for a new job nearer him and just be happy. We were then very loved up, he told me I was everything to him and I felt so happy that we were going to move past this.

I got the train back home on the Sunday morning, feeling absolutely great. I got home, opened my laptop to start applying for jobs to be near my love, where I found all his iMessages coming through to the laptop (it's one we've always shared). I didn't recognise a number he'd been speaking to, but it said things like 'morning beautiful' and 'can't wait to see you'. These messages indicated he had met someone else on the Thursday night (before he'd seen me) and he'd taken her out for lunch on the Friday (same day he'd seen me and told me he was in traffic all day).

I called him and confronted him about it, and he said he hadn't been happy for ages and he wanted to see what it was like with someone else. We talked a little bit but he had to go and we ended the conversation with 'love you'.

I was still in shock though and very angry, and had already text the girl's number saying 'Your messages have come through to mine and his laptop, we're in a 5 year relationship and we spent the weekend together with our dog and his parents!'. When my ex found this out, he called me back straightaway and went mental - saying that I was crazy - and that he had to apologise to this girl on my behalf. He then said he wanted to break up with me, so I said 'ok then' and hung up, but he called back again saying 'I didn't mean it. I just don't know what to say I am so angry at you. Let's speak later when I've calmed down.'

I then got a text from the girl again, saying 'I've just spoken to him and he said you broke up months ago and he didn't spend the weekend with you'. I was so upset and angry I went out with my friends, drank a lot, so when he called later on in the day I ignored it as I didn't want to speak to him.

I tried to speak to him the next day, apologised for not taking his calls and he said we can speak after work. I panicked and told him I loved him, he was my best friend, I never wanted to lose him. He read this but didn't reply. I then called him after work. He didn't respond. He read my messages but ignored me. I called him a couple of times and said can we talk? He read them all and ignored me. I didn't want to continue grovelling, considering what had I done wrong? So I deleted his number so that he would have to contact me when he was ready.

It's now Friday and he still hasn't spoken to me. I am absolutely broken inside. This was my best friend and partner for 5 years. Every decision I made, all my life plans, all my belongings, my whole routine, my whole LIFE was with him. We were partners. And now he has dropped me like this, for the first person who has given him a bit of attention, and doesn't even have the courtesy to say sorry or even speak to me at all.

I know its easy to say 'better off without him' but I'm really struggling to see it like that at the moment. He was my whole life and I care about him so much. We've had some tough times, fallen out a lot and sometimes felt a lot of hate for him, but I've never fallen out of love with him. We've always gotten through it as we love each other. Now it seems like none of this ever mattered to him.

I don't know if he'll come to his senses or not. We didn't even break up. Part of me thinks if he definitely wanted to end it he would have said, but he hasn't even spoken to me and just ignored me. I don't know.

He usually picks me up from work on Fridays as he stays over at mine at the weekends so I guess I feel like maybe he will get in touch soon, or maybe he's had enough of me now and moved on. I'm absolutely devastated.

If anyone has any advice or has gone through something similar, or can try and tell me what he might be thinking or what I should do, I would really appreciate it because I am just at a complete loss at the moment and feel like my life is falling apart.

Lumpylumperson Fri 20-May-16 11:48:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWithRed Fri 20-May-16 11:48:37

Oh dear. To be honest, it sounds as though he's moved on already. He may still have a lot of feelings for you, or he may just be a coward who doesn't have the guts to finish with you. But it sounds as though you're better off without him if he handled your separation by being controlling and nasty.

Be kind to yourself, but I think you should consider looking forward to a life without him.

Lumpylumperson Fri 20-May-16 11:48:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppermintPasty Fri 20-May-16 12:04:08

What he's thinking? It's all about himself I'm afraid. He has revealed very clearly that he thinks nothing about you.

A lot of us on here will be speaking from experience.

Don't humiliate yourself by competing for his affections (so called). Don't do the infamous 'pick me' dance. I did and it ain't pretty for the self esteem.

He's a cheat and a liar. Too right you've done nothing wrong!

Only giving it time will heal this and hopefully make you look at things differently, in a less desperate way.

holdontoyourbutts Fri 20-May-16 12:25:19

Oh gosh it's so bloody hard isn't it. I'm 6 months post break up (together 6 years, lived together, engaged, no kids went through a termination and the usual health/mental/worries worries). It bloody sucks but I promise you will come out of the other side and it will be ok. Hand on heart promise.

For me when we broke up the first thing I did was keep myself busy, I moved out, went to go see my family for a bit and got in touch with old friends who I'd lost touch with due to my focus being on the relationship.

For the first few weeks I was pretty good, then after that my grieving for the relationship started. I found a load of facebook messages he was sending to another girl (he left his fb logged into my tablet and they came up as notifications, these were all sent post break up) and my god did it hit me like a tonne of bricks. How could he be moving on so quickly? Why wasn't he begging for me back?

I had a good month of being pretty wobbly but it's true that time is a healer, and as I started getting on with my life, seeing old and meeting new friends and doing the things I wanted to do (top tip: eat all the food he HATED my ex was a veggie, my first shop after we broke up was a meat-feast, it was glorious!) things got better, and they continue to get better. I love my life being single, I know who I am, what I want and I have no one to clear up after other than me.

I think for you right now you need a couple of things, firstly you need to cut all contact with him. I didn't do this and I really regret it because you can't move on unless he's out of your life. Delete his number. Block him on social media. Get rid of all photos of him. You're going to think about him, the relationship and what he's doing, that's normal, but recognise that you're no longer together and whilst it hurts now it is absolutely the best decision you could make. Again, another promise.

Other than that let's focus on this weekend. What do you fancy doing? Are there any friends you can see for a drink? A local museum you could visit or film you want to see? Oh and Ben and Jerrys I think is half price in tescos right now.

heybabes Fri 20-May-16 12:33:51

Thank you for reading through the issue and responding, I really appreciate the advice.

I know it will take some time. Sometimes I've felt like I can survive, sometimes I can't see any way out.

I'm just so confused as to why he didn't even speak to me. Maybe he wants some space to think about things, I don't know? I would have thought if he wanted to end everything and forget about me he might have just said.

We've spoken before about breaking up but whenever it's come down to it he says 'I could never leave you, I don't know what I was thinking.'

By telling him I loved him and I never wanted to lose him now I've played into his hands. He has the upper hand so of course he doesn't need to contact me, he'll play around a bit first whilst he discovers what he wants.

I just don't know how someone could treat someone like that after everything we've gone through. We've been there for each other thick and thin and we really share(d) a deep love. Before all of this, people use to tell me he loved me a lot more than I loved him and I was out of his league.

He's going through a lot of crises in his life, screwing things up along the way. I really hope he sees some sense and stops burying his head in the sand. I'm just so unhappy it has come to this as I am completely broken no matter how hard I try and put it into perspective.

I am panicking at work because on Fridays I'm usually gearing myself up for him picking me up and looking forward to seeing him. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

PeppermintPasty Fri 20-May-16 12:50:34

He sounds to me like he's pushing you to see how far you'll go to keep him. If you let him, he will keep you dangling with empty promises until you are emotionally drained, whilst he runs around doing whatever he pleases.

You need to try and come at this from the angle of "how dare this cheating bastard think he can treat ME this way", rather than "what's he thinking, does he love me, how could he do this".

Easier said than done of course. I'm afraid the brutal truth is people do this to others when they are not invested in them emotionally.

It's hard, but the absolute best advice is to block him and move on. Summon your inner queen bee and fuck him off.

princessmi12 Fri 20-May-16 12:51:59

He's going through a lot of crises in his life, screwing things up along the way.
Why you making excuses for him?
He wanted to see if grass is greener on the other side,he did.Did he think about you and how you'd feel? Even if he did it wasn't enough for him to stop . Most disturbing bit not even him texting/going out with the girl but him lying to her about you not being together..If he will calm down, comes to his senses will you be able to trust him again? Wont you wonder whats he up to when you two not together in particular moment of time?
Oh by the way it WILL NOT work out with the girl,even if he tried..Its a rebound.Hope that will make you feel better.Dont be scared to loose him,hes not worth it.You will see it eventually and will dislike him for causing this pain to you.

P1nkP0ppy Fri 20-May-16 12:56:55

He clearly doesn't have the same feelings for you op.
He's being an abusive cheat, verbally abusive and a liar.

Yes, it's very painful but see it as a lucky escape, he's not worth it.

heybabes Fri 20-May-16 13:37:08

I know he has treated me really badly and even if this hadn't happened there would have needed to be a huge change for it to work.

I'm trying to think of things I can do without him etc. And I am trying to keep busy as much as I can. My friends and family are being great as a support network, which is helping.

I have so much of his stuff as well. All of my clothes have a memory of him somehow, all of my bedroom is full of the things we bought for our house together. We have a dog together (who currently lives at his parents due to us living apart). I spent last weekend with his family - surely if he was so intent on us breaking up then that wouldn't have happened.

It's not like it was fizzling out. Apart from his frustrated times, we had a lot of love and a great sex life. Even last weekend we had great sex and were very romantic. This is why it is so confusing.

Do you think he'll come back? Is this a common behaviour - that he's having a bit of space from all the drama?

We broke up about 2.5 years ago for a similar thing, but it was me. I wasn't feeling happy we seemed a bit miserable (it was more me than him) and it broke his heart. I immediately started seeing someone else and although I was a lot nicer about it and actually broke up with him before doing so, as well as talking things through and explaining why I was doing it.

Fast forward about 4 or 5 weeks down the line, although the new guy was a great distraction and had no drama, just niceness, I realised I had made a mistake and was just running away from something I didn't realise I had. He was away at the time and I messaged him to meet up when he got back, and we did and I was so happy.

So in a sense I can see where he is coming from, I just hope he has the same reaction as me sad

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 20-May-16 14:52:47

Don't wait for him to come back. All that lies down that road is more pain.

Let's face it, you were together for a long time but he checked out a while ago. He's spent the last few months putting his efforts into someone else, calling her beautiful and telling her how much he wants to see her. That'd be enough for most people to call things off - but he went further than that, and met her. And he met her when he was also seeing you.

Then when you found out - and if he was going to have an "Oh shit, what have I done?" moment, it would have been then - he then diverted blame a bit by saying he hadn't been happy for a while and wanted to be with other people AND THEN HE CALLED HER. His primary objective after you found out was to go and smooth over his other relationship.

If he was a decent person, he'd have broken up with you before looking elsewhere. If he was semi-decent, he'd have split up with you when you confronted him - it would have followed normally, he isn't happy, he wants to date other people, so you're over. He didn't because he wants both of you.

You keep saying how happy you were and how it wasn't fizzling out but it sounds like it was full of drama. You split 2.5 years ago, you argue a lot, you live apart, neither of you sounds very happy or fulfilled. Having sex and being romantic doesn't mean anything, especially because he's also being romantic with at least one other person.

It will hurt now, of course. But let this be the last pain that he causes you. Let go of the hope and grieve for the relationship that you thought you had, and the man you thought he was. If he dares to run back, tell him to sod off. Until you're strong enough to do that, block him for your own benefit.

Some things just don't work however much we want them too. There are always holes. You can push the pieces together but you can never make a sieve into a bowl... this is the same. Too many cracks.

Best of luck.

heybabes Fri 20-May-16 15:12:46

Thank you AnchorDownDeepBreath, very useful advice. He only met this girl a week ago, so I think he's panicked and acted out.

I know it's not realistic for me to wait for him, but part of him thinks he might. I need to learn to live my life without him regardless, it's not healthy to be this dependent, it's just so so so hard as I really do love him so much.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Fri 20-May-16 15:34:34

He's a horror. You have had a lucky escape.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 20-May-16 15:45:56

Hey I was almost exactly where you are 14 months ago. We lived together, I found messages (not as bad as yours, to be fair, but over familiar) and mentioned them, he left to go to think and moved back in with his parents.

It hurt. I'm not gonna lie, everyone told me I'd come out of the other side and wouldn't need him and I couldn't believe it because we'd been through so much together. We'd been together for 8 years when we split, over a third of my life.

I'm good now. I can't connect all the dots and tell you how I got here - some of the nights were so desperate I had to turn my phone off and hide it to stop me texting him, and I got very drunk to forget him on more than one occasion. But I've got friends that I would never have made before, I've got a newfound confidence and a life that I love.

He's away for a week this week. A year ago, the idea of that would have been deeply upsetting. We did everything together and loved each other and I'd have hated him leaving me. I would have spent the week missing him and probably not doing much. Instead, I've had a great week, it's flown past, and I'm happy.

Do it for you. If you can get back together in a year, stronger people, then that will happen - sometimes you'll require some faith that would should be, will be. And post here, or PM me, if you like. I got through some of my loneliest moments with this place.

Time is an amazing healer but you have to give it a hand.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 20-May-16 15:55:04

He was my whole life
You should always have your own life.
Your own independence,
Your own friends.
Your own hobbies

Work on that for now and don't do the 'pick me' dance anymore!

It's hard and it's horrible but, given time, you will get through it.

ImperialBlether Fri 20-May-16 16:00:03

But he sounds horrible! How can someone horrible be the love of your life?

Have a look at hysterical bonding. You are over invested in getting him to choose you right now. If he does, sooner rather than later you will discover you got the booby prize.

holdontoyourbutts Fri 20-May-16 16:34:36

Anchor has completely hit the nail on the head. Great posts.

MusicIsMedicine Fri 20-May-16 18:03:14

Him denying your relationship to the OW says it all. He's checked out.

I think you are very co-dependent and have lost 'you' in this relationship. There's other things you can do with your weekend - and your life. Please explore co-dependence and how you can start building a life for yourself.

This is dead in the water and is not a healthy relationship. Save your sanity and walk away.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Fri 20-May-16 20:39:11

There are men out there OP who are just faithless, horrible men. My ex was one of them, and I want to tell you what happened, because you need to do the opposite to me
He was amazing for a long time. Perfect, but had issues (problems at home, no money etc). Increased stress so we rowed. But we got through it. And we thought we should have a break as we were so young, so we agreed. He slept with someone else then came back because he loved me so much. And so began 18months of angst, of him loving me but doubting the relationship, telling me we weren't working, going out and fucking around, then coming back because he couldn't be without me.
I can't explain why but I sat there, waiting for him, convinced he was a good person who loved me, if he could just believe in us like I did. I made myself thinner than the others, I was always dressed nice, looked good, was understanding. And he left anyway. Thank god my mother stepped in and basically enforced no contact.
Looking back, I can see it. Can you? He got me secured, then pushed the boundaries. When I had him back he pushed more. And more and more and more, and I accepted it. By the end, he was acting single but I was a comfortable back up option, waiting in the wings. He hated me I think.
There were other things happening (abuse) but it was this that broke my heart, self belief and self esteem.

Don't do it op. It's hard but keep busy. You deserve a partner who makes you feel amazing. And before that, you need to know that you are worth that. And your ex dp isn't good enough sadflowers

Gooseysgirl Sat 21-May-16 05:54:18

Lucky escape OP... I am so sorry you're going through this but you need to try and be objective and take the excellent advice you've been given so far on this thread. No more making excuses for him, time to prioritise yourself flowers

Resilience16 Mon 23-May-16 12:44:57

Hi there. I am so sorry you are going through this but I can guarantee you will look back on this in a few months time and think why the hell did I put up with all that crap!
I came out of a four year emotionally abusive relationship in January, and felt the same as you, devastated,liked I'd lost an arm. But then looking at it with a bit of perspective I realised how dysfunctional the relationship had really been. Now 5 months down the line I feel much happier, much more optimistic. The stress of walking on eggshells around someone has gone,and although yes I do still think about him and sometimes do miss him, it is not the horrible raw pain you feel when you first break up.
Keep busy, delete his number and go nc and just keep telling yourself you are worth more than this. Onwards and upwards x

heybabes Mon 23-May-16 12:59:12

Thank you so much everyone for your comments and kind words, it really did help reading through those.

Just a quick update, I found out from my cousin (who is also dating his cousin) that he told his family we had broken up and hasn't been home to see them (probably out with his new girl). He still hasn't contacted me about anything, which I think is absolutely disgusting (he never even said he was breaking up with me!!!) and I still haven't contacted him.

I spent the weekend with my friends which was so nice, but I still have this gutwrenching feeling in my chest and stomach every moment of the day. I have lost so much weight (not in a good way) and I keep waking up at about 5am every morning after dreaming we're still together.

This is so awful I just hope it ends as soon as possible. sad

loobyloo1234 Mon 23-May-16 14:04:04

You will be ok OP. I promise. I'm sure a lot of us have been here, in the exact same situation. I look back in horror now at what I put up with. I became a needy mess.

3 years on, I don't regret a second walking away from him. I couldnt unfortunately block his number as we had a house together ... BUT it ended the day I left. If they're messaging other girls, they've checked out. Dont let him EA you anymore. You will be fine. Book a holiday with the girls, something like that, things to look forward to without him helped me greatly

heybabes Mon 23-May-16 15:38:00

Thank you loobyloo1234. I really hope you're right. I am just finding the whole situation so daunting. I was supposed to be moving back to Bristol to be with him this summer, now I don't know what to do. I also don't have that many friends here because it was supposed to be temporary until we moved back in together.

All my summer plans were with him, now I don't have any. I do have some friends but not a group I could go on holiday with or anything. Kind of my fault for neglecting people for a relationship I suppose.

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