Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Its such a mess

(15 Posts)
desperatelysadandhurt Fri 20-May-16 10:14:01

Ive been trying to deal with things for the last 2 weeks pretty much alone because im so ashamed and embarrassed about the situation im in but i dont think i can cope anymore.

I'll try to cut things down but i dont want it to be a massive drip feed so apologies if i miss bits out.

Me and Dh got new phones several weeks ago and for some reason they synced and i received some of his data onto my phone. This included very explicit photos of him which were obviously meant for someone elses viewing not mine. Rather than think about things and prepare for any bullshit, i confronted him straight away. His reaction was one of pure anger and hatred towards me and we literally ended up physically fighting in front of Ds because his only aim was to get the phone off me rather than explaining what the hell was going on which is what i expected him to do.

To cut a very long story short i kicked him out that night, he went to his parents 200 miles away. I have since spent time going through everything on the internet trying to find out what the hell has been happening behind my back. I finally found a POF account which the idiot had used his gamer tag for and our normal password. I felt sick reading his profile and even worse seeing what messages he had sent and who too.
Fast forward to last Friday i decided to let him come home if he swapped rooms with Ds so that we could talk and he could return to work and we could try and find a way forward. He didnt know id found the profile. I couldnt bring myself to talk to him when he walked in so we have avoided each other all week.
Ive since worked out how to see what Apps he had on his phone using the laptop and it gets worse because he also has one called Grindr which turns out to be a gay meet up site. I hadnt spoken to him until last night and told him that id found his accounts online and told him what id seen on his POF which i had accessed. He was stunned and crying then i told him i had been through his Grindr account which was a lie because i could only see he had the App and couldnt work out what his password or what email he'd used. He basically sobbed and said it wasnt him and even though it looked like he was meeting men, he wasnt and a whole load of other hysterical rantings about me not outing him when he isnt Gay. I havent got a clue whats really on his Grindr account but his reaction told me enough.

This isnt the first time, about 9 years ago i found a profile he'd set up stating he was Gay but he explained it away and said him and his mates were pissing around.
Its such a mess, im sure our marriage is over but i'm also scared he'll do something stupid to himself. I'm so angry and hurt, i dont even know him and all he seemed worried about was me telling anyone. Ive told a close friend about the POF account which was bad enough but feel so disloyal if i say about the Grindr account which is ridiculous considering what he's done to me and the Dc and im also so embarrassed.

What the hell do i do, my life for the past 11 years appears to be bullshit.

Ive got 4 Dc but only the youngest is his, he's just happy his dad is home.

stomachinknots Fri 20-May-16 10:19:06

Must be very tempting to really lay into him -- but maybe given his fragile state a more caring approach might be better? Basically tell him that he clearly still wants to be out there playing the field and meeting people and being single, so you are freeing him to do that. Simple as that. It's over, and he is free to do what he wants to do. You'll work something out for contact with the child(ren?) and it doesn't have to be horrible. Bottom line: you don't want to be in this relationship any more, and (clearly) neither does he.

desperatelysadandhurt Fri 20-May-16 10:26:13

I'm trying to be caring but I'm struggling to keep everything contained because he doesnt deserve caring. I want answers, but its torturing me when i get them and im sure he's only saying as little as he thinks he can get away with.

He says he will do whatever it takes to make it work but i cant even work out if he's gay or straight. The POF was definitely women, Grindr most definitely isnt.

theredjellybean Fri 20-May-16 10:27:49

I haven't got much to say except my exdh only finally accepted/admitted his sexuality when I left him. We had been in a happy but celibrate marriage for years.
He has continued to be the same wonderful father to our dds
But it took me being the strong one otherwise he would have gone through life denying himself and both of us being low grade unhappy

stomachinknots Fri 20-May-16 10:28:06

Yeah, it sounds like it might be too late for 'whatever it takes' -- since 'what it takes' mostly involves him not doing what he's been doing, and he's already done that. If you feel the trust is gone then it's over.

theredjellybean Fri 20-May-16 10:31:13

what i am trying to say OP is my ex did not want us to divorce, did not want things to change, begged me not to go through with it....but the bottom line was he was gay and he just didnt want to face that or the upheaval change brings. 5 yrs later we are all so much happier.
I am sorry but maybe even if your dh is bisexual , the fact is he was looking for something that he cannot find with you.
I honestly think you need to have time away / apart so you can process this.
He probably does right now want everything 'back to how it was' but it might not be the best for him or you in the long run. and sadly you might have to be the one to insitgate changes and be strong.

desperatelysadandhurt Fri 20-May-16 10:34:09

I thought our marriage was happy Jelly. Its hard because Ds is disabled but my oldest 2 are adults now and happily settled and DD3 started her GCSEs the week after this all exploded. Its been heart breaking watching her struggle.

Ds doesnt care as long as dads back home.

I begged Dh to tell me if he's gay and i would support him whatever happened but he insists he's not and it was stupid curiosity.

AnyFucker Fri 20-May-16 10:35:12

How can it work though ?

He clearly has a compulsion to seek sex contact outside your marriage whether with men or women. This is his second offence ((that you know of) and he didn't learn any lessons after the first time of getting caught.

Well done you for finding out what you already know which for me is waaaaay over the line of deal breaker. There will be more though.

My advice is to separate and work out a Co parenting situation. You don't have to out him or tell anyone anything more than you already have if he goes quietly and continues to step up to his parenting responsibilities

I agree he is probably pretty unpredictable at the moment so I wouldn't gun for him. But he would be out of my house for the way he has lied and deceived you and our couple relationship would be over.

And lovey, you need to get tested for STD's

Dangerouswoman Fri 20-May-16 10:36:53

Well if he says his grindr account looks like he has been meeting men, let's face it, he probably has. I think you will drive yourself mad if you try to determine whether or not he is gay. The point is he is being unfaithful or at the very least planning to. He is lying and deceiving you and acting seedy.

I don't agree with the advice to be 'caring.' That's not your priority. Make plans to end the relationship and protect yourself and your children. Get some legal advice so you know where you stand. Then be firm about what you want.

queenofthepirates Fri 20-May-16 10:38:19

I am so very sorry-it does sound as though he may have checked out of the marriage. He should have had the courtesy to tell you though. I think he needs to find his honesty and own up to whatever his sexuality is. You have every right to be furious at the infidelity though.

desperatelysadandhurt Fri 20-May-16 10:45:55

I hadnt thought about being checked out physically, thats something i'll have to do.

Up until last night i wasnt even sure if he definitely had Grindr, it was only the App i could see.

Its so much to take in. I want it all to go back to 3 weeks ago. Thats part of the reason i let him come home. I wanted to stop feeling like i was feeling but when he walked in the door i felt worse in some ways but also relieved that i knew where he was and what he's doing.

theredjellybean Fri 20-May-16 11:45:17

oh OP i do understand....i was very happy or at least thought i was, until my exh decided we were going to be took 5 yrs of that before i started to think maybe life could be more...and it took a lot of other things to happen before I realised that we could both be happier.
My Ex as I said didnt believe this , he wanted everything to just stay the same....

AnyFucker Fri 20-May-16 11:52:59

Oh love. You can't police him and you can't keep him tied to your side to stop him cheating.. No trust, no relationship

newworldnow Fri 20-May-16 19:40:24

He needs to go then you can process this horrific turn of events. This happened to me but it was a compulsion to use escorts. For some reason he wouldn't go and my life was hell.
He's only crying because he's been caught. You cannot work this out and if he stays you are in for one hell of a roller coaster ride of bullshit.
Don't use kids exams as an excuse as I did. He must go and only then can you decide what to do otherwise you will be living a life in denial because what he's done is so awful.

newworldnow Fri 20-May-16 19:48:56

If he said it looks like he was meeting up with men then he will have been.
To get to this point I would assume he's been meeting up with others for years.
The anger and hatred he showed you was to protect his compulsion and his other grim life.
I would ask him to leave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now