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lack of intimacy

(6 Posts)
fizzingmum Fri 20-May-16 09:24:50

I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child together (we both have children from previous relationships). Together 2 years. Our sex life to start with was slow in terms of variation and I put this down to him being shy. It started to grow over the first few months and I got to thinking it would just get better and better. By the time we started living together the sex started to become less frequent and more "samey". Cut to now and he has absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. He doesn't masturbate. He doesn't get erections and I'm lucky if I get sex once a month, and then only if i have really pestered. Same position every time and he doesn't wait for me to climax. Max 5 mins. I am not backwards in coming forwards and telling him this is a huge problem. He is currently using my pregnancy as an excuse but that doesn't explain why it has been like this for a year or why he has no sex drive whatsoever. Surely he would at least wake up with an erection. I just feel like he has absolutely no desire or attraction for me at all. He talks about having baby in our room for 12 months after born. I say that's far too long and how would we go about resuming our sex life. He is happy to have a 12 month get out clause. Then there will be another reason no doubt. He is a fair bit overweight and Ive tried to help him lose weight, cooking exercise etc. But even when he did nothing changed. He has now piled it all back on and makes no effort to lose, eating junk food and sweets every night watching tv. I don't want this for the rest of my life. Sorry got the long post or if it's tmi but I'm so upset and rejected right now.

Gabby99 Fri 20-May-16 09:41:46

I have experience of this with my DH and it doesn't get any better, I'm afraid. It's not uncommon, you just don't hear it talked about in RL because men are supposed to be up for it all the time, right? Thank goodness for MN. I have seen a good few posts lately about it. If you have tried all the usual ways to resolve it (and it sounds like you have), you should consider sex therapy for your DH.

ElspethFlashman Fri 20-May-16 09:49:18

Celibacy after just 2 years is an absolute no no.

It sounds like he forced just enough sec drive to get his feet under the table and to have a child. Now sex isn't necessary and he's settling in for a nice sex free existence.

He just has a minimal sex drive. He has no interest and can happily live without it.

That's not a bad thing if you have a partner who matches it. Problem is, next to nobody says at the start "I'd like to date you but tbh I can take or leave sex and don't expect much frequency for as long as you're with me, but I'll make a massive effort for the first year so you dont run for the hills".

So people mistakenly think what people are like in the first year is somehow a place they can get back to. No.

You have been frank with him but you can't change his libido. And I doubt eating more veg is going to magically change it either. That's you grasping at straws.

I would start seriously thinking about where you want to be in a year's time.

fizzingmum Fri 20-May-16 09:59:29

Lol at the veg comment! grin. I do think his weight effects his libido but you are right, it's more than that. I feel so unattractive and rejected by the situation. I have cried all morning. I've been on the other side of this with my ex partner. I just didn't find him attractive anymore. I made a series of excuses until all we were left with was the truth. And we split. I can see the same situation with current partner only other way around. I certainly could not accept this as a permanent situation. I'm far too young to give up on a sex life. If it's just a low libido there is nothing I can do. If it's that I'm not attractive to him, well there is nothing I can do either. Time to pull on my big girl pants.

Gabby99 Fri 20-May-16 10:08:32

It's also soul destroying. It effects your self esteem and confidence levels. I ended up turning to food / wine to comfort myself, replace the lack of affection and attention. I ended up putting on loads of weight. I would not recommend! My advice would be not to accept it as normal and let years roll by. Do something about it sooner rather than later. If sex therapy / couples counselling doesn't work then make plans to walk away. Good luck OP.

MatrixReloaded Fri 20-May-16 14:58:11

It sounds like he needs his thyroid checked.

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