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Am I making up fears in my own head over my dates?

(5 Posts)
Pantana90 Thu 19-May-16 23:56:33

Hey everyone, I hope someone can help me with a bit of stress I have been going through lately. To give you some background information - I am 26 year old guy who has only been in one serious relationship. It lasted four years and I was dumped out of the blue two years ago and I was left absolutely heart-broken. I no longer speak to my ex. After this happened, I went and had quite a bit of "fun" as a single guy and went from one fling to another.

However, I never felt comfortable with these and if I am totally honest, I was only dating in the hope of getting sex. Once I got it, I usually got bored and made an excuse to end the flings - much to the disappointment of some of the girls.

Eights months after my ex broke up with me, my mum passed away. She had cancer and was just 47. I was very close to my mum and thought the world of her, she really did too much for me and always treated me amazingly well. She did TOO much for me when I look back, but I know it was because she wanted to.

Needless to say, this was so much to deal with in such a short space of time. The two women in my life who I truly loved and cared for were gone. At the start of 2016, I started dating again and once more I find my head in a screwed up place. A few months ago I met this woman and for some SCREWED UP reason, I fear she might look like my mum. Even though I know she doesn't. Yes. Crazy.

I think this is happening because I dated another girl last year who bore some resemblance to my mum and that totally freaked me out, so I broke it off with her. The girl I'm currently dating does not look like my mum (other people laughed at the idea when i told them).
So why am I having this fear? Is it just plain fear? I do really like the girl I am dating but I must admit, since the break up etc I have struggled to find that "spark" with any of the girls I have went out with. I am feeling it with this girl but I am still not sure exactly how I feel and I definitely know she feels stronger about me.

Can anyone make sense of this? It sounds ridiculous and I think I just need to chill out to be honest and enjoy the company of the great person who I have been seeing. Any help is appreciated.

MakeItRain Fri 20-May-16 00:42:30

It sounds like a form of anxiety. It sounds like you did go through a lot in a short time. Losing your mum when she was so young must have been so hard.
I had counselling for panic/anxiety many years ago. I remember the counsellor saying her view was that feelings that were locked away has to come out somehow, and for me that was through panic/anxiety.
I wonder if there's still lots you need to come to terms with underneath your worry about your girlfriends?
Maybe you should stop dating for a while and spend some time looking after yourself. Counselling's obviously not for everyone (though I found a brilliant one through my gp who really did change my life). But otherwise sport can be very calming or spending time with good friends?
I hope that doesn't sound trite and I hope you start to feel more

hownottofuckup Fri 20-May-16 00:44:42

Have you posted about this before hmm

Gladysmum Fri 20-May-16 06:35:36

Hownottifuckup - I was thinking the same? I've read this before confused

TheNaze73 Fri 20-May-16 11:08:10

It doesn't sound like you're truly over your ex to me. If you're not "in it" don't string anyone along in the guise of a relationship. That's not fair

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