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I have just told dh it's over, he is unnervingly quiet...

(39 Posts)
Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 19-May-16 20:23:55

I have posted before about wanting to leave dh, to sum it up he has been abusive in the past and is too strict with the kids but I have recently unburied my head from the sand and realised he is verging on bulling to my ds1. Anyway I have just sat done and asked him to talk, I had made notes earlier whilst my mind was clear of my main points of things that needed to change (all of which about the way he is with the kids) he interrupted me, disagreed with me, accused me etc. I told him that I want our relationship to be over, I said I would take the kids to my mums tomorrow to stay until I could find another house (this is because everytime I have tried to split in the past he refuses to leave the house) he then tells me he is willing to try but I have to do as he says too (all petty childish stuff which he has been bringing up for the past 6 years, most of it untrue). I tried to discuss it with him but I know deep down he will never change so told him I wanted to split.
Instead of getting angry and shouting insults at me like he usually does he is very quiet, said there is no point in him saying anything.
Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get it out and stop crying for what should have been I suppose. I can't help feeling like I'm ripping our family and my children's lives apart.

neonrainbow Thu 19-May-16 20:26:57

You're saving your children from living with a bully. If he cares about you he wouldn't have followed your points with "well you need to do this". Get out of there and don't look back!

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 19-May-16 20:35:36

Thanks neon, I think I'm finding it extra hard as I have already divorced once and I'm only early thirties! I have 4 children (2 with dh) and I'm scared of people judging me and also of coping alone.

neonrainbow Thu 19-May-16 20:45:06

You can do it though... just think how much easier your life will be without him dragging you down. All you need to do is get through the next week or two and you'll be much stronger. Your post is about the effect he is having on your children. Id bet my house that he's abusive to you as well.

SpongeCakeBigPants Thu 19-May-16 20:46:00

Well done for being brave and following through this time. Ignore other people. You only get one life and you and your kids deserve to be happy. Onwards and upwards wineflowers

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 19-May-16 20:48:34

You won't be loosing your house! Yes it's hard to admit it but he has been/is. He's no fun to be around anymore, the kids ask me everyday what time he's going to be home, I can see they are dreading the atmosphere and the nit picking, it's just so sad. He has offered to try, do you think I'm being too hasty saying no?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 19-May-16 20:53:10

Children who grow up with domestic abuse suffer dreadfully.

These children can be: anxious, timid, have low self esteem, anger issues (towards mum for not protecting them and towards dad for being bad)

They can go on to develop mental health problems and last but not least they all go on to replicate the relationship in some form.

Don't be sorry that you are getting away. Do it for the children

neonrainbow Thu 19-May-16 20:53:31

Definitely not. If your children dread him coming home it suggests theyre frightened on some level. he can work on his parenting skills from the outside the family unit. You've done the hardest bit. Now all you have to do is not say yes, for the short term at least. Give yourself some space away from him before you make any big decisions. But if he treats you and your children like shit is because he wants to. He will be nice long enough to get you back under his thumb.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 19-May-16 20:54:15

Your kids dread him coming home????

Bloody hell

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 19-May-16 20:55:06

Thanks quite, I am doing it for them, I have no choice.

AnyFucker Thu 19-May-16 20:55:40

Ah yes, the well documented tactic change

When you have been a gobshite in the past and it stops working, change your tack to get wifey to fall into line

Sounds like you are in danger of falling for it

timelytess Thu 19-May-16 20:59:54

You are doing the right thing, the only 'right' thing you could possibly do. He has put you in the position where it looks like you're the 'bad guy' because you have to be pro-active. Now he is trying to trick and control you. Keep to your plan. And well done. My dd was four when her dad and I split but we'd already reached the stage where when we heard his car on the drive we'd look at each other in despair.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Thu 19-May-16 21:06:37

Don't let him 'try' - he will fail.

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 19-May-16 21:12:10

I know he will fail too, I just feel like I'm letting everyone down and giving up. I know I'm not really, it's just such a humongous decision which affects so many people, I feel really low and worried sick.

RandomMess Thu 19-May-16 21:12:38

You are doing the right thing, listen to your DC, stay resolute and know you are putting them first flowers

NanaNina Thu 19-May-16 21:17:00

quite is absolutely spot on, so please OP get away from this man. It's emotional abuse of the children and I'm sorry to say this but as things stand at the moment you are failing to protect. You posted to say he'd gone quiet - did you want him to talk and say he'd change things as he'd done before. Then your next post says he's offered to "try" and you wonder if you're being too hasty. NO you're not. I know it's easy to sit tapping away and advising others to do something that's going to be incredibly difficult and I hate the LTB brigade usually, but where children are concerned, I don't think you have a choice. I've seen the result of children who have been "picked on" and witness domestic violence, and believe me, it is horrendous. It's isn't fair on them - they have no choice about where they live, but you do.

Sorry to be so direct and hope that you can move away from this man. It doesn't matter what other people think of you, what matters is your children.

SandyMcSandface Thu 19-May-16 21:18:20

Well done OP flowers

Gide Thu 19-May-16 21:22:25

You're not giving up, OP, you're getting up and getting on. Far better for the DCs, surely, to be away from an abusive influence. Don't be fooled by his sudden quiet or by emotional pleasing/blackmail. None of it will change his unpleasant nature.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Thu 19-May-16 21:25:14

You can do it.

Good luck!

SugarBlossom92 Thu 19-May-16 21:25:35

You are absolutely doing your the right thing for your kids if he is abusive. I grew up with a very abusive father, he never hit me but he bullied me really bad and my mum too, i always prayed he would one day not live with us i used to sit in my room crying after he had been bullying me, fantasizing about the life i would have with him gone and that hope was the only thing that kept me going, anyway my mum never left him and i have never forgiven her for that i moved out when i was 16 and have alot of issues myself which stems back to my abusive father.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 19-May-16 21:27:55


Please don't feel sorry for him, he has caused this, nobody else just him.

Yes he will look at you with his puppy dog eyes and oh boy will you feel sorry for him but you must remember he will soon revert to type.

The man is ruined, emotionally dysfunctional and not good for a relationship model when children are present.

You better watch out; oh he won't remain all quiet, noooooooo there will soon be threats, to you, to himself, all sorts of nonsense

I totally understand why you feel like a failure but the success of this Union was in joint hands and sadly the other hand just could not step up to the plate because quite simply he does not think he is doing anything wrong, he might have said he did in the past but that was just so he could tell you what you wanted to hear, if he really thought his actions were harmful then he would alter them. Do not listen to him.

Stay safe.

When you get an opportunity it is ok to tell your children the age appropriate truth about their father.

They have suffered here and you need to acknowledge that to them and allow them to let go of their angst around the situation.

We are here for you. Keep posting for support flowers

cosytoaster Thu 19-May-16 21:35:38

You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Do not worry about people judging you, most won't and those that do are idiots flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 19-May-16 21:39:21

He has let everyone down. You are about to pick you and the DC back up.

You know it is the right thing to do. You are just scared.

ladygoingGaga Thu 19-May-16 21:43:19

You have taken the hardest, bravest step in telling him.

Like others have already said, please be careful, he will change his tact when current behaviour fails to get you back to the submissive, compliant wife.

He is an abuser, end of.

He will try everything to get you back under control, it will vary wildly, from threatening and angry back to being the victim, he will try to use the DC's too.

The key is to expect it.

Don't let him win, you have started the best journey of your life, one to freedom from abuse and respect for yourself and kids

GrumpyGreta Thu 19-May-16 21:43:32

He'll never change.

You've done the right thing. For yourself and your kids, they need good role models in their lives.

Break the cycle and all that.

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