Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

tips to get through a break up?

(27 Posts)
HeckyWithTheGoodBear Thu 19-May-16 20:17:57

Don't want to give a massive back story as I've got massively flamed before which really wasn't helpful.

But I just wanted to ask for general tips as to how to get through a break up? A very decent break up as in today? Baby involved. Feeling pretty numb at the moment and honestly don't feel massively bothered (possibly relieved?) but I am sure the feelings will hit me in the next few hours/ days and any useful tips that you wise MNers have to get through it all will be very much appreciated. Especially as I know he's a bit of a dick and a new girl will probably come on the scene rather quickly and I won't have much say in him introducing her to our baby DD (which makes me feel sick.. For her aswell as me as I truely believe you should wait at least 6 months. But I can't make him do that).

Sorry if this post is all over the place.

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Thu 19-May-16 20:18:16

I meant to put this in relationships. I'll report.

Heartbroken4 Thu 19-May-16 20:19:01

Sleep. Alcohol. Good friends.

Dozer Thu 19-May-16 20:20:43

Minimal contact. Reflection on why you stayed with someone who didn't treat you well.

Legal advice about DC and finances.

MerryDickCrack Thu 19-May-16 20:23:33

Doing things for you - nails, watching box set, whitening teeth, whatever
Clearing all trace of him from the house
To be honest, and this probably isn't the most PC answer, the best thing was shagging someone else :-)

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Thu 19-May-16 20:33:35

Got good friends, though I'll be a little embrassed to tell them but me and my best friend went through all our friends shitty relationships tonight and realised none of them is really in a position to judge!

Sleep isn't easy with baby DD, a full time degree and a new job but I'm working on it. Will be easier when he's gone and the tidying up has at least halfed as he's a lazy messy scrote! sad

Problem is, he won't go. Says he wants to stay for a few weeks until he's got the money. I will have the money to pay the rent myself when I start my job, but not until then (HB still leaves about 400 a month for me to pay). Plus I want to work nights so hopefully he'll have her 50/50 but my sisters in a similar situation so at least when he leaves she can maybe move in for a bit and then I'll be able to work. But I'm dreading living under the same roof for that time.

Alcohol, tick. Hence why my OP is a bit wobbly. Only 2 glasses as he's fucked off and left me with the baby but I'm savouring it!

And shagging another person will be lovely as he's gone off it for months and when we do do it he acts like he's doing me a big favour hmm I'm 23 ffs God knows why I didn't do this sooner!

Keep them coming people, they're helping x

LurcioAgain Thu 19-May-16 20:35:26

Loud music and novels/films/box sets with loads of explosions and car chases in them (back in my younger days when I still had a sex life and therefore still had break-ups, Tom Clancy was my go to author in times of stress - politically highly suspect, but damn good yarns and guaranteed love-interest-free zones). Oh, yeah, and second the "shag someone else" advice.

(Actually this one really dates me, but friends managed to reduce me to tears of laughter the night I broke up with someone by putting on desperately soulful love songs, only at 45 RPM instead of 33 - so they came out ridiculously fast, chirpy and high pitched).

AddToBasket Thu 19-May-16 20:38:01

Food he didn't like, films he didn't like, friends he would never have got on with. flowers

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Thu 19-May-16 20:47:29

We like the same foods and my friends all think he's perfect sad but he hates tv and will only watch films so I'll definitely be picking up the radio times this week!

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Thu 19-May-16 21:18:23

Please carry on everyone. I don't want to talk to my mum about it yet and j don't want it to sound disrespectful but I think as you grow older you learn wisdom to deal with these things. So please give me advice as you would your daughters. I really do appreciate your replies.

Zumbarunswim Thu 19-May-16 21:29:49

I'm really enjoying call the midwife box set as its a lot about non-romantic love (ie the love we have for our children and the community feel where everyone looked out for each other) hope things straighten out soon. I left mine with my 8 month old ds in tow and he moved on ridiculously quickly also flowers

AddToBasket Thu 19-May-16 21:35:25

Main thing is to be kind to yourself. Make sure you watch sad film or read sad poems to give yourself a chance to cry it out. You'll feel better for the weeping.

And then one day you'll be bored of being sad - and you'll be over it.

I read somewhere that jaffa cakes mimic some kind of love/happiness hormone. grin I'm not sure that's true but I ate loads when I was broken hearted - I think I felt better...

velourvoyageur Thu 19-May-16 21:36:58

Am going thru this now (during fuckin finals) and am seeing people, reading Sophie Kinsella and have booked flight to lovely fwb during upcoming hols smile
Am hurting tho. Feel for you x

velourvoyageur Thu 19-May-16 21:39:11

Also just bought reduced cake in Waitrose smile))

Cakedoesntjudge Thu 19-May-16 21:40:25

When I broke up with ds dad I struggled keeping it together and the way I managed was when it first hit me I cleaned. Compulsively. Until I was exhausted (this is very odd behaviour for me!!).

Then I sat and made a list of all the things I wasn't allowed to do/things he'd moan about me doing that I loved and missed. I made a conscious effort to do one a day and tick them off. Eventually they became routine. I also made bigger changes - I signed up for the degree I was never allowed to do (I know you said you're already doing one) and changed jobs to one I liked with hours that worked without stressing me out too much somewhere flexible. It has made a world of difference over the last couple of years childcare wise.

I also accepted that things were going to be shit for a while - especially the firsts of everything (eg first Christmas, birthday etc) and if I was having a shit day I allowed myself to wallow for a set amount of time, the deal being that afterwards I snapped out of it. I still do that now if I've had a tough day.

Doing those things made me a much happier person - so much so that a few months after he left I had lots of comments from friends and family about how they hadn't realised how miserable I'd been until they saw how happy I then was.

It's also made me happy enough in my own company that I don't settle with dating any more. I will only date people who significantly improve my life and make me happier rather than ones I'd date before who were just ok and a bit 'meh'.

Good luck OP, and I hope you find a way to turf him out soon!! flowers

MeMySonAndl Thu 19-May-16 21:43:39

White fíen the bad things he does Or is befo re you start idealising him/missing him.
That way you can refer back to the list of you feel down or miss him.

Iflyaway Thu 19-May-16 21:44:44

Just concentrate on your life - baby, job, uni.

Leave them be. Until they are willing to help out.

Your baby needs you now. They don't. Stop letting them get into your head space. They are not your friends. Because if they were they would be there for you and your baby....helping out.

Baby, job AND uni? Great, go for it! If you can.

something will give, don't let it be your beautiful child You can always go back to study and work in a few years time.

MeMySonAndl Thu 19-May-16 21:58:35

Good grief what happened there? Write the bad things he does or us before you start idealising him, I meant to say.

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Fri 20-May-16 01:17:59

--*something will give, don't let it be your beautiful child-- You can always go back to study and work in a few years time.*

This is what I'm nervous about. Can I do it all as a single parent? Hopefully he'll agree to 50/50, he is a great dad and they adore each other. And my job is bank so I can pick when I work. I'm mainly doing it because it's really relevant to the massively competitive field I want to get into so even if I only do one shift a week, I might not be able to buy the most loveliest dining table/ swing set etc. But we can manage. I just want to work at least every now and then so I can come out of uni saying I've got 2 years experience at X. I really hope I don't have to drop out of uni. I'm on track for a first in my first year. And I'm sailing through tbh shit uni though blush so I don't know. Can I have it all? I'll be fine if he has her half the time. It's shit that it's not socially unacceptable for men not to have their children half the time after a break up.

Baconyum Fri 20-May-16 01:32:51

Prepare yourself for him NOT being a great dad once he leaves, that came as a shock to me (he currently hasn't seen her for over 3 years and hasn't spoken to her since Christmas).

Get all your legal/financial stuff in order.

Why is he not leaving? Is the property in his name also?

I couldn't do the shagging someone else straight away but accept it helps some.

Keep as healthy as possible as that supports your mental/emotional strength too.

Let uni know, there's usually loads of support available that's not well known about - as you work for a bank they could be very helpful on organising the financial side of things.

Once he's left get rid of everything that upsets you, or at least hide away (eg I did this with wedding album, video etc, I wanted to keep for my daughter but too much to have to look at regularly in the early days.

Have someone you can rant at (sounds like you do in bff hope that stays the case). Invaluable support!

Most controversial piece of advice I'm going to give is -

While it's advisable not to bad mouth ex to your dc, that DOESN'T Mean you have to defend him if he's being a shit dad either.

That's the mistake I made 'daddy does love you he's just not good at showing it' 'I'm sure theres a good reason daddy didnt call when he promised he would/is late for contact' etc it dismisses the child's feelings and makes them think they're wrong to feel they've been treated unfairly, plus they'll rail at you for lying to them.

Good luck flowerscakebrewwine

Baconyum Fri 20-May-16 01:34:51

The job may prove to be problematic in terms of benefits, they're quick enough to stop payments if you report a 'change we should know about', takes bloody ages to get it reinstated, plus you will need time with your child and for yourself. Nobody can do it all.

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Fri 20-May-16 01:49:08

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm worried about working. It's for the NHS, but as its bank it's going to be v ad hoc. For the next month I have exams etc then I'm off for 4 months. Maybe I should hold off starting until I've finished my uni year so I can work a good few nights a week. Or do you all think I just shouldn't work at all? If there's a way for me not to be on benefits, and get relevant experience, and have money to treat me and baby DD, I'm willing to put the work in. But if I won't have money to pay the rent/ bills at first, obviously I don't want to this.

The house is in my name (rented), as we've had arguments before and I wanted that security. But his mum and dad are the guarantors? He said if I'm not careful he'll tell them to refuse to be the guarantor. can they do this? They're nice but completely under his thumb. I'll try and talk them round but I am really worried about it. Only lived here for a few months if that makes a difference (ie when my 6 month contract is up they might choose not to renew without a guarantor if they can withdraw?)

HeckyWithTheGoodBear Fri 20-May-16 01:51:16

I don't work for a bank sorry, I'm a bank worker. Baby DD is only 15 months but I would never minimise her feelings, your right. And I agree it's not a given he's going to be a good dad now he has the chance to be a single man again. He has bipolar and substance misuse issues. Relatively controlled while he was with me but I predict this will send him off the edge. So will be prepared for that.

Dozer Fri 20-May-16 06:40:00

Avoid alcohol.

It will be hard to deal with things while he's still living there. Do you know the legalities with your lease etc, eg if he moves out and you take it on are you solely liable for paying?

I doubt he'll want to share childcare 50/50. Do you want him to? It might be hard to work too if that relys on his doing his agreed childcare and goodwill. Is he reliable? Also, it's unsafe to work nights and then care for a tiny DC in the day so you'd need to schedule your shifts carefully.

you need good advice on whether you will be able to afford your current rent and your options.

Dangerouswoman Fri 20-May-16 06:41:00

I agree with doing things you couldn't do when he was around. The first weekend exh left, the kids and I had a takeaway with fizzy drinks and wine for me in the living room which he would never have approved of. I remember the dc saying, mum why are you so happy?smile

As for shagging around, I thought I would never touch a man again. I did in time and thoroughly enjoyed it but not straight away.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now