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I just don't know what to do about this

(9 Posts)
whatdoido2016 Thu 19-May-16 18:15:02

Firstly I've name changed so as not to out but I'm a regular.

I really don't know what to do about this situation which has been on/off for the past year. Basically dp goes to the gym regularly (all fine) but he seems to have developed a relationship with a much younger gym go-er, think 35 (him) and 25 (her). Anyway she works there and isn't a fitness instructor but I found out that they were doing fitness classes together, i.e her "running" a class unofficially in the gym for him and another girl. This didn't sit well with me as this is something we used to do together and haven't been able to due to having small children.

At the same time he was pm her and the other girl, just chatty messages but I asked him to stop as I wasn't comfortable with the situation. He also stopped the extra fitness classes. Well i thought he had until I read one of his messages today and noticed they had tried to reschedule one for last week, this has made my blood boil. He's clearly been contacting her and deleting her msgs/still doing some sort of fitness related activities with her and lying about it.

To put this in context I find this quite intimate as this is something we used to do together but can't at the moment. I am also unhappy that he is keeping it from me. Our marriage is in a fragile state I would say, very little intimacy in any form since recent baby came along. I feel like a trapped "house wife" and I feel pretty shit in myself (1.5 stone overweight still) etc etc.

I don't know what to do, part of me wants to tell him to do one but then the other part of me thinks I am over reacting... What would you do? I can ask him but I'm scared I look a paranoid freak sad

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 19-May-16 18:24:33

I'm going to leave aside the obvious problems with him deleting messages and raise another issue.

Why aren't you at the gym for these classes too? You an afford the gym but not a babysitter? You two bond over classes together.

If only one of you can go to the gym. Why is it him while you stay home You love the gym right? You feel trapped at home. You want to get back in shape. You totally have gym priority.

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis Thu 19-May-16 19:15:46

What runrabbit says. If only one of you can go then you should split the sessions equally.

But tbh, I'd ltb for the blatant lying and messaging/making secret meetup arrangements with other women while you are stuck at home miserable. Fuck that.

whatdoido2016 Thu 19-May-16 19:22:43

Lol DoesMy that's pretty much my reaction to the situation as we've been through this before but I was preg at the time so wasn't sure if my hormones were clouding my judgement a bit.

I'm sat here furious but about to go out for some air and decide how to proceed. He's just going to lie and take the whole thing underground when I confront him so I need to decide whether I stay or go.

He's taken me and our baby to his gym a few times but never have I been introduced to anyone (yet these are his new friends supposedly) so I figured he's ashamed of me (look so crap at the moment due to baby weight and general tiredness) or he's fucking around behind my back - tbh both are pretty shit. I really am quite unhappy, I don't want a loveless sexless marriage forever but I have small children and feel I owe it to them to make it work...

runrabbit, affording the gym is a whole other argument but on the plus I've started doing my own thing a couple of nights a week which gets me out and excercising but he was a bastard when pregnant. I was crying all the time because of my changing body and he spent all his time at the gym, making himself look and feel better and hanging out with all these gym buffs. He genuinely couldn't see why I felt like shit, I nearly left him them tbh

YvaineStormhold Thu 19-May-16 19:25:34

Sorry but he sounds dreadful.

Tell us something good, please, otherwise it's a clear LTB.

RandomMess Thu 19-May-16 19:26:05

If as a couple he can afford to go to the gym, why can't you???

You should be having equal leisure time and equal spending money...

seeyounearertime Thu 19-May-16 19:27:17

so you're feeling crap, youve just had a baby, you're unhappy and his way of showing you support, love and affection is to go to the gym and chat to other women?

And you're with this "man" because?

whatdoido2016 Thu 19-May-16 19:32:17

Seeyou - yip that sums up how it was during my pregnancy (seeing it written down like that makes me realise what a dick he was). It was a difficult pregnancy mentally and I really needed him, he was struggling too but instead of helping me he was off at the gym which caused a huge amount of resentment and numerous fits.

Anyway fast forward to now and he has hardly been going to the gym, maybe 2 times a week (during lunch break) which I was fine with. But now I've seen messages re starting conversations and it's made me wonder if they ever really stopped. This person at the gym has been away a lot recently with work and I now wonder if that's why he hasn't been as fussed about going.

Anyway in a way it doesn't matter, he's a liar and making me feel like shit. I guess what I need to decide is where to go from here sad

Summerwalking16 Thu 19-May-16 19:39:43

I can sympathise, I found this kind of situation really hard as its not that bad but not that good either. When I had young kids (and when I was about to give birth) mine used to go out 2 or 3 times a weeks. He said I could do the same as well if I wanted. But I didn't want to leave a baby 3 evenings a week with a babysitter etc ... I could go on! I also found the women I new didn't go out like this either so had no one to go with if I wanted to. Sure it's a common theme.

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