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Finding a friend with benefits.

(15 Posts)
soniad1962 Thu 19-May-16 17:05:06

Right, I have what will seem a weird question. Can I start by apologising for jumping in the deep end with this but, but needs be as the devil drives.

I am 54 and have been happily married since I was 22, so I feel blessed. Kids have grown up and flown the nest, I have managed to forge a new well paid career after a period of illness cost me my old line of work. Life is looking good, or it was.

The first bombshell to drop on our lives was 12 months ago when my husband sustained a back injury that has left him with big mobility problems. I want to stress that his health and wellbeing are my priority, so when I tell you the other big thing that has come from his injury, please don't think that it has changed my love for him. In a nutshell, sex between us is now impossible. That's fine, I can cope. However, from day one of us realising that this was the case, hubby has been insistent that I cannot do without sex the rest of my life. I, on the other hand, have been insistant that I could and would do without it. Monognomy has always been non negotiable in my life. I wasn't pretending that it would be easy, but hey ho.

Then the second bombshell dropped. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught very early and it was a very tiny 16mm lump. Lump has now gone and its only immediate legacy was a three week course of radiotherapy, now thankfully over. We are now sat in a bar in Mallorca enjoying an expenses paid holiday to recover, courtesy of a hospital fund that I am a member of. It's nice but, believe me, it doesn't compensate for the pain, the burnt skin, or the sunken nipple. That's irrelevent though.

What matters is that I now understand what people mean when they say that a cancer diagnosis changes everything. Not one priority in your life is the same after THAT chat with the doctor. Even the literature that the hospital have handed out makes it depressingly clear that this could return. They gave a case history as an example which was basically of a woman who had an almost identical form of cancer (good in a bad way), went through the same treatment and was 'cured' (good), and two years later was diagnosed with the worst kind of breast cancer (very bad). So I know how rocky the land ahead might look, despite knowing that I have also been very lucky up to this point.

One thing that has changed is that I am no longer willing to contenplate life without sex. This is as much a certainty as my previous certainty about monogomy. I can't explain why my feelings have changed, but change they have. I have thought this through, so please, no moral lectures or warnings about STDs and a host of other potential pitfalls. I am an attractive and well educated woman and I suddenly realise what it actually means to say that you will go without sex for the rest of your life. I now see that the rest of my life might not be that long. Ironic, isn't it, that the idea of living 5 or 10 years without a shag is more depressing that living to a ripe old age without a shag!

But I still will stay with hubby. That is set in stone. So what are the options? Squallid dating apps like Tinder to find a 'friend with benefits'? No thanks! So I have settled on casual encounters in bars. Again, please do not lecture me about the dangers of such encounters. I am well aware of all this and will go into anything with my eyes wide open and a range of security measures in place. But the question is, where and how?

I live in Manchester, enjoy a drink with friends, and am confident about going into places alone, so I am well aware that I attract attention from men, attention that has always been unwelcome until now. So the ideal scenario is eyes meet, smiles are exchanged, a conversation ensues, and I am whisked off to a smart apprartment or nice hotel for a few hours of passion. What I am afraid of ending up with is a conversation about football and an invite back to a two up and two down in Salford or an Ibis budget hotel for a quick bang!

So how to go about this? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? I go out with friends and on my own, like I said, but not often into the big metropolis that is Manchester. No way am I going on the pull in my local. I am lost to even think where I could meet a quality hunk. If I go into Manchester, my usual haunt is a Wetherspoons. I get loads of looks in there, but are they the right looks from the right people? The added problem is that with hubby being disabled now, I can't afford to spend hours sat in the bar of the Midland Hotel hoping to get laid and paying a fortune for drinks.

I don't think that I need to explain further. Basically, if you can answer the question then you obviously understand it and me. I couldn't have just come on here and said, I'm a 54 year old married woman looking for a bit on the side. It simply isn't that simple Though in some ways it is. Honestly, before the cancer hit, the idea of going without sex until the day I die seemed like one of the duties that come with making those vows. Since the diagnosis, there have been times when the thought has left me feeling empty and unable to sleep.

Thanks in anticipation.


PS Forgive any spelling mistakes. Try writing something this long on a phone at a bar!

MADEinLONDON Thu 19-May-16 17:33:58

Try fabswingers. It's like, guaranteed on there!!! grin

MADEinLONDON Thu 19-May-16 17:35:38

Truthfully, the people on there are often very friendly and you can end up making friends for life. There are also parties or 1-2-1's, depending on what you're looking for...x

MattBerrysHair Thu 19-May-16 17:53:54

I second fabswingers too. It takes a bit of patience as there are many many people on there and it takes time to find someone suitable. You also need a strong stomach for some of the pics you may be sent. I've met some good friends on there myself.

SleepingTiger Thu 19-May-16 18:42:40

Perhaps, What is needed is a new site where people who want to remain in marriage, but have an open one, can join. Their husbands, wives, partners can be verified and the basis of the FWB/relationship can be set. With full knowledge that the members will wish to stay monogamous, and with their partner overtly in the background, it might add a little more respect and protection for people who join. No system is perfect, but just a different take on it. Personally I would go to the Midland Hotel, not for sex, but to have a nice cocktail and a lively, fun chat with other people. Love the place.

wallybantersjunkbox Thu 19-May-16 19:17:13

Adulthub has some very open and honest mature people on the site.

wherearemymarbles Thu 19-May-16 22:29:42

Why is sex with your husband impossible? Paralysed from waist down?

I know someone, he has MS and is pretty well fecked up by it. He cant have sex. His wife, who is by and large fantastic has a fwb. He knows this and it fecks him up even more that he cant be a proper husband. I suspect she causes as much pain by staying as leaving. No judgement from me but just be aware you may find its neither as straight cut or clinical as you might hope. I wonder how he feels about a life with out sex.

gobbynorthernbird Thu 19-May-16 22:38:46

I know the Midland very well, and chances are you'd be asked to leave if you hung about making eyes at blokes in the manner you suggest. They'd think you were a hooker.
A couple of my friends use Tinder and have been pleasantly surprised, give it a go and you may be too.

wherearemymarbles Thu 19-May-16 22:44:00

Also think how you would feel if the situstion was reversed. You may well be able to understand the why but being stuck home in a wheel chair whilst your husband was out fucking and there being bugger all you could do about it?

btw see exactly where you are coming from but i cant help but think your husbandvbut be feeling very vunerable.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Thu 19-May-16 22:46:42

OkCupid has plenty of people looking for open relationships and FWBs. And the spelling and grammar is way better than Fabswingers.

But, if you are going to do this and keep your marriage strong, you really need to have very honest ongoing communication with your husband. Your situation is very one sided. You'll be hooking up with other people and he won't be. He might seriously struggle with it and you don't want him to feel like he has to hide his emotions for the sake of keeping you happy.

HeddaGarbled Thu 19-May-16 22:47:11

Can your H not bring you to orgasm in other ways than penetrative intercourse? Sorry to be intrusive and sorry to be old-fashioned and vanilla, but I really do believe that a friend with benefits is hugely risky to your marriage. Fun for you in the short term but a real kick in the heart and psychological wellbeing of your husband, whatever he's trying to pretend now, and potentially emotionally damaging for you if you develop feelings for your affair partner.

Surely, there must be ways you and your H can be sexually intimate. Or masturbate. Or get a vibrator.

Smorgasboard Thu 19-May-16 22:52:27

It's a slower route, but you could try a social group like Manchester social circle or Spice - there is a monthly fee, but that results in largely well educated professionals being members, they also tend to be in 50's/60's.
At least you would be able to try new activities and meet new people as well as possibly meeting someone suitable. Being ethical, you should make clear your intent at some point should you find a candidate, as via this route you are as likely to come across people who may want more commitment.

andadietcoke Thu 19-May-16 22:56:14

I'm in Manchester and will totally come and hang out with you and be your wing (Wo)man

LineyReborn Thu 19-May-16 22:56:49

What Hedda said, really.

dottypotter Fri 20-May-16 15:31:59

I agree with hedda garbled.

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