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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

At a complete loss

30 replies

Ineedmorecoffee · 19/05/2016 14:29

I posted last week about my h who'd seriously spat his dummy out because I'd told him I felt he took me for granted and really needed some help and support when he was home from work.
After being ignored for the best part of a week he's now decided that I'm abusive and the only reason he's still with me is because of the kids.
We've had our ups and downs previously but this has knocked me sideways. I don't know where to begin to start processing what he's said.
I don't know what the hell is going to happen and that scares the life out of me, I haven't slept or eaten properly for a couple of weeks anyway and this has knocked me even further down.
I have no one I can talk to in rl, I'm loosing my grip on what's right and wrong and desperately trying to hide it all from the kids.

OP posts:

Report

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 19/05/2016 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedmorecoffee · 19/05/2016 20:03

Well tonight I'm a home wrecking bitch.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 19/05/2016 20:11

Unreasonable people tend to believe reasonable people are the unreasonable ones for daring not to fall in line.

Donethat16 · 19/05/2016 20:13

Sorry to hear about your distress. Marriage is about compromise and if any one party takes a 'me, me, me' approach, the other is likely to retaliate. If both of you dig your heels in and accuse the other of being the source of dissatisfaction then it can't work.

Perhaps avoid talking about it for a couple of days, let things calm down and then talk about things without taking I am taken for granted, no I am abused positions.

Donethat16 · 19/05/2016 20:24

Did he say why he thinks you are abusive?

Dozer · 19/05/2016 20:26

Abusers often say this about their partners. Lundy Bancroft describes it. Is he a "water torturer"?

Donethat16 · 19/05/2016 20:45

The OP said her main issue is her husband takes her for granted. If the OP wants to save her marriage, I am not sure a title for tat argument about who is the abuser or who is the most abusive will get either of them anywhere.

If the OP does not want to save the marriage, then by all means she should throw accusations at her hudband and plan her exit.

OP, the first step is whether or not you want to remain in the relationship (although I sense that your husband may have taken part of that decision away from you).

Ineedmorecoffee · 19/05/2016 21:14

I'm abusive because apparently I'm playing mind games (he can't explain this) the fact we don't have sex is me being abusive, the way I twist things about the kids is me being abusive (again can't explain), there was other crap that he couldn't explain or add context to.

Apart from the initial exchange of words I haven't played the tit for tat game, I've sat there and taken all of it, he's said some really shitty stuff and called me many names. I haven't reciprocated once.

OP posts:

Donethat16 · 19/05/2016 21:33

I'm really sorry. It sounds horrible. What does your instinct tell you is the best thing to do?

HeddaGarbled · 19/05/2016 21:37

I think you are handling the situation as well as you can in the circumstances. Not engaging in the name calling and attempts to start arguments is sensible.

So he hasn't listened to you at all, doesn't care that you are unhappy, doesn't think he needs to treat you any better? He is just trying to turn it all around on you and blame you for being unhappy in the marriage? With extremely abusive language and nasty stuff thrown in?

I don't think you are going to get anywhere with this, do you?

Is it exit strategy time?

cheapskatemum · 19/05/2016 21:48

Um, ltb?

Iflyaway · 19/05/2016 21:53

I'm abusive because apparently I'm playing mind games (he can't explain this) the fact we don't have sex is me being abusive, the way I twist things about the kids is me being abusive (again can't explain), there was other crap

He's got you so far on the wrong side of right you don't even know which way is up...

Keep posting and let MN show you the way out.

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 19/05/2016 21:53

A 'home wrecking bitch'? A man would only say that to me once. I'm sorry you're going through this but to my way of thinking if he's capable of saying that to you alongside treating you the way he is then he isn't worth any more of your precious life. Can you think of any good reason to stay? And no - the children is not a good reason - they don't need to grow up thinking this is how men speak to the woman they're supposed to love.
I hope it all works out for you.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/05/2016 21:57

So you dared to step out of line??? Oh well he is making damn sure you will not do it again.

I don't know the whole story as your post is vague but good luck with this man as I have a feeling your going to need it and then some......

WriteforFun1 · 19/05/2016 22:01

OP what is the beginning of this? Is it that you asked him to contribute in terms of housework and childcare?

Ineedmorecoffee · 19/05/2016 22:15

Thanks for replying, it's all just shit.
I'm a sahp to 5 kids, 11 to 2, 3 at school 2 at home. H works 5 days, shift work (although mostly day's recently).
I told him that I felt like he took me for granted and I needed some support.
His typical working day would be to get himself up, get dressed in the clothes that were washed and ironed for him, take the kids to school on his way to work.
He'd come home sit on the sofa, eat what was made for him and sit back on the sofa, go to bed. Repeat for 5 days.
Days off are unpredictable, most times he'd have a lie in, get up sit on the sofa and not move. If he decided to move he'd take the older (much easier) 3 out.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 19/05/2016 22:50

I do wonder why you are with him. Sounds to me like he is the abuser treating you in this way - and he is projecting that onto you. Textbook. Possible gaslighting too I reckon.

mum2mum99 · 19/05/2016 22:50

It is not you, it is him.
Your demand are fair. You want an equal partnership. He wants to be mothered. It is time he grows up!

Dozer · 19/05/2016 23:02

Sounds like he's gaslighting you, and is possibly sexually abusive too

Athena314 · 19/05/2016 23:05

oh it's classic. whenever I had a need at all I was selfish. whenever i tried to have a boundary i was a cold hearted bitch. when I left I was a homewrecker. so glad i did though.
good luck.

Athena314 · 19/05/2016 23:12

OP, I've been through this and it can be very confusing trying to make sense of what's reasonable, what's unreasonable.

Ask yourself simpler questions.

Am I happy?
Am I supported?
Am I cherished?
Am I valued?

I knew that the answer to those questions was no. But still I agonised and wrote lists of pros and cons to splitting up.

If you read Lundy Bancroft you will see he is deliberately reacting to you asking for more help with sulking and bad behaviour. This is not because he genuinely feels you are selfish or lazy. It's because he's damned if he's going to pitch in and help, so he must TRAIN you not to trouble him with this shit. He will train you not to mention it. He will train you to just suck it up and get on with it.

If in a while you feel too tired to keep challenging him, and you are tired of the fighting and you just want a bit of peace and harmony in the house for a while, so...... you stop challenging his laziness and knuckle under and play nice, he may ''reward' you for capitulating to the regime by buying you a present or being affectionate or telling you "I hate when you're so angry, I'm so glad that's passed and we're getting on well again now''.

Athena314 · 19/05/2016 23:13

Why would you want sex with somebody who treats you like an incompetent slave he can manipulate

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Ineedmorecoffee · 20/05/2016 08:57

Thank you everyone. I'm still struggling to understand what the hell happened. Analysing what was said and if any of it is actually true.
His selfishness keeps astounding me, but then wonder why it does because I wouldn't expect anything different from him.
I feel massively stuck for various reasons, location and finances being 2 of the bigger ones.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 20/05/2016 09:39

why finances, you would qualify for income support and obviously get maintenance from him. Help with rent and council tax too. There is no financial barrier nowadays. Do you own your own home or rent?

Dozer · 20/05/2016 09:53

What he said is very unlikely to be true. Far more likely that he's an abuser: please read Lundy Bancroft or similar.

Do you have access to family money?

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