Sleeping Dogs

[aladinsane]

Hi I was seeing a guy a few months ago. We really liked each other but both had personal stresses which distracted from the relationship.
I ended things and he didn't put up much (if any) of a fight, I felt that he was relieved although he didn't say and we've had no communication since.
There wasn't much in the way of communication, I told him it was all too much and he agreed. I ended it quite coldly and abruptly.
Lately he's been on my mind loads and I'm regretting letting it end so suddenly.
I don't know whether to contact him to say hi or whether to leave well alone?
I have no idea whether his situation has eased up or whether he's moved on to someone new.
My situation is much the same although the main stressor has gone.
I don't know if I'm missing him, or what might have been.
Would I be an absolute fool to contact him now?
Thank you.

[MagicMoonstone]

Can you do any digging discreetly through friends of friends to see how he is first?

It's hard to know what to suggest without knowing what caused you to separate in the first place.

[aladinsane]

Hey magic the mutual friends we have are much closer to him than me and I'd feel a bit weird approaching them.
The crux of the split was we hadn't been together for long when things kicked of in both our lives, he had a big thing going on at work and issues with his child's mother so they were taking up all his time and brain and in his downtime he was partying and not confiding in me because we were quite new and fresh so I felt pushed out .
On my side there was a big family scandal and because I didn't know him so well I felt unable to share what was going on as it was quite serious and I didn't feel safe enough to confide in him so we had a huge gap between us which just seemed to grow bigger and he started to feel like a stranger to me.
He wanted to meet and chat about it but I just reached breaking point and ended it without meeting, now I regret being so hasty.

[MagicMoonstone]

Maybe send a message asking how he is? Keep it brief and see if he responds?

[aladinsane]

magic yes that sounds ok although I did that a while ago, he did respond but it was perfunctory and after that I blocked him (childish) but I was doing it to protect myself as didn't want to keep contacting him and making a fool of myself especially as I'd been the one to contact him. How confused am I?

[TheNaze73]

I think you may be fighting a losing battle if you've ended it once before already. Hope I'm wrong but, why would he think it'd be different this time?

[aladinsane]

thenaze that's what's stopping me from making contact.
I really regret what I did. It was right for us at the time I stand by that but I wish I'd done it with more thought and conversation rather than so abruptly, we might have been able to salvage something
This way I feel I'd look a bit mad ending it, blocking him then coming back months later like a bad smell.
We didn't end on bad terms, nothing nasty happened, I just nipped it in the bud.

[springydaffs]

He may have gone along with it - yeah, me too - to save his pride. Which always seems to be pumping under the surface with men (ime)

So you getting back in touch, as you did, may have given him the chance to be cold back. Touche.

It may be you're thinking about it because you regret being cold, therefore hurtful. Ie your conscience may be playing up.

But. He wasn't very nice to you when you were an item was he? Maybe that's why your instinct was to bin him off.

I'd leave well alone iiwy. He may have wanted to talk things through with you, which you refused because of the stuff going on with you and you weren't in a place where you could 'talk'. His pride is hurt and that's that. I wouldn't personally disturb that beast.

Or you could send him a clear message saying you regret being so cold but you had a major family thing going on. I wouldn't couch it in wanting something going forward though but as a way to make amends.

[aladinsane]

springydaffs you have hit all the nails on the head. I'm a very impulsive person which I've tried to work on but when things get too much for me I'm an act now think later kinda gal.
So I'm sure my instinct was right to bin him off.
it was a relief to knock it on the head but now with hindsight I regret how it was done.
I do wish I'd given him the chance to talk but my head was exploding at the time.
No, he wasn't great when I was seeing him so there was a lot of hurt feelings on my part which made me so rash at the end.
I'm not even sure what I want from any encounter, I'd just be stirring things up again.
I'm sad how it ended and I think the fact that we never really talked or opened up has left me feeling a bit bereft, a) about the relationship ending and b) the lack of closure/answers.

[springydaffs]

I'm like that too! It's a kind of panic. Perfectly understandable though with what you were going through. Plus he was being a dick.

I'm tempted to think 'once a dick always a dick' but that may not be accurate! Look at Beatrice and Benedict...

[springydaffs]

Or Benedick. Lol.

[aladinsane]

Ha! This is my trouble, life is not art but I am prone to romanticism. This is often my downfall!
I'm glad that you understand, it's hard to articulate this stuf sometimes.
He is very bright and on the surface appeared emotionally mature but I felt he was very guarded with me, this is a sensible thing on his part but I think with everything else going on it put me completely on edge. I'm very open, all or nothing and he was quite disparaging about a mutual friend 'wearing his heart on his sleeve' so it was probably just a total mismatch although in some ways we were well suited.
I'm not very good at reading people when blinded by sexual attraction.