DS Taekwondo teacher asked me out- but I just can't :(

[hollowintheriver]

Hey all,

Some of you may know me as I've previously written about my bastard of an ex (DS dad).

Here are links to my previous thread, to give a back story:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2599577-do-i-owe-to-give-my-dp-sex

and my very recent..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2638818-Ive-fallen-right-back-into-his-trap-Is-he-really-just-using-me

all in all, I'm trying to move on from DS dad.


DS had his usual Taekwondo lesson with the group and his teacher yesterday. After the lesson had finish, when DS went with his group of Taekwondo mates to get changed, the teacher spoke to a few parents about how their DC's were doing with the lesson.

Then DS teacher came up to me and told me that DS is really improving, that he needs to improve on XYZ skill, but overall DS is doing great etc. This is a big thing for me as DS has SEN, and does take a long while to master new skills. He then began to ask me how my studies were ( he knows that I'm studying Art history at Uni) I did find the question odd but thought nothing about it I told him that it was going great and we talked about art a bit and I mentioned that I love going to museums, especially the National portrait museum etc etc. It was then that he said that "... there's a cool art exhibition going on at the minute-- we should definitely go there some time..". I did hesitate to be honest as I didn't really know what to say, I wasn't sure if he was just being polite? I'm not even sure if he was asking me out and anywhoo are teachers even allowed to date the parent of their pupils out?

I just laughed nervously and said "Noo, I'm really busy.." and he just nervously laughed too and said "don't worry, maybe some other time". Luckily by then, DS was calling me and we quickly made our excuses and went our way.

But as I was driving DS back home, I began thinking. The teacher is attractive, but his not my type. I'm ashamed to say that I am attracted to bad boys and their swag. Please don't torment me over this. I then began to fill sad as I couldn't imagine not ever being with DS dad, he was my first boyfriend and we were together for so long, I've spent the majority of my teenage years with him, how can I just let that go? I just want him to have my kids, I just want to have a family with him, I felt like calling DS dad and telling him that why is he such a shit father and so shit and abusive towards me, that our so called "relationship" could of worked if he wasn't such a douche bag. It just hurts so much. How can I let go of him?

To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready to date, I just want to be single for a while, discover myself. I was in a very toxic relationship with DS dad throughout my mid teens and early twenties, had DS very young etc. Would I ever be ready to let go and date?

[hollowintheriver]

Anyone?

[Naicehamshop]

I don't have anything really helpful to say, I'm afraid, but I didn't just want to read and run.
It sounds like you need to take things slowly after what you have been through - unless maybe starting to see someone else might help you with your recovery from your horrible previous relationship? Might it be possible to start seeing this guy, but make it very clear that you are not ready for something serious??

[daftbesom]

If I were you, I would try and separate the two things in my mind.

1. You turned down the Tae kwondo teacher without anyone losing too much face. That sounds fine to me.
   

1. I'm not familiar with the DS dad backstory but just from what you've written here it sounds pretty toxic. If you want to be single for a while that is very natural. (It's also very natural to mourn for a relationship which couldn't be what you wanted it to be.) Take your time; don't go backwards.
   

Best of luck OP.

[HerRoyalNotness]

He sounds like a nice guy, I hope you haven't scared him off.

It's ok to say to him that you'd like to concentrate on your DS for the next x months. And it's also ok to ask him out for a coffee when you are ready.

[talllikejerryhall]

I say give it a go, but be honest with him that you're not sure that you're looking for a relationship.

I went out with a series of weird, manipulative guys, before having my son and thinking, fuck this!

My now husband asked me out and I thought there was no way it would work - so not my type! - yet here we are, blissfully happy nine years later :-)

All I'm saying is going against type can yield dividends, especially if what came before make you unhappy....

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I'd go. Suggest a date to him next lesson?

If nothing else, you'll have fun doing something that interests you with a man who sounds like he'll treat you well, and it sounds like you could do with a reminder of what that's like.

You might find that he grows on you, or he might just be a friend, but either way is fine.

[ApocalypseSlough]

I haven't read your other threads but it sounds like it's too early for you to be dating.
Can you investigate the Freedom programme? On one hand it's admirable that you can see you're attracted to 'bad boys' but to be honest I found reading it a bit chilling.

[Aussiebean]

I think it is safe to say that the 'bad boy' rarely become good fathers and loving partners.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to date because you haven't finished grieving for your relationship with your ex. You need to do that first.

Grieve for the man you thought you had, but unfortunately didn't. Grieve for the father of your child you thought you had but obviously don't.

Once you have accepted that the man you thought you had doesn't exist, and done your crying, then look at this man again.

Try a different type. You never know.

[Whisky2014]

It's obviously worked well for you going for bad boys, eh?

Seriously, I did that and they never worked out. Now I'm with a really NICE guy and it's great! If I were you a nice calm date would prob be good for you. Doesn't mean anything has to happen.

[KatieKaboom]

I was you.

My life didn't get better till I stopped making a point of going out with arseholes.

[hollowintheriver]

I've only been in a relationship with DS dad, but he is that typical bad boy.

I don't think me dating the teacher would make me move on from DS dad, if anything, I think I'll yearn from him even more or maybe feel guilty.

I want to be single and rediscover myself, I also want to learn to trust men again. I would like to go on the freedom course so that I won't make the same mistake again and pick a guy like DS dad.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

It wouldn't be fair to the teacher to go out with him while you're still hung up on your ex. You need to work on getting over this as spending your life pining for an abusive arsehole, regardless of whether he fathered your DCs, is a recipe for a miserable life.

You and your son deserve better than a relationship with his dad. Work on your self esteem so that y no longer need the thrill of a toxic relationship to make you feel alive. It's an addiction like any other and once you're free of it, you'll wonder why you ever found it so appealing.

When you have DCs a kind stable loving man is what you need. I don't know if that's what you'd get here, but it sounds like he takes and interest, is good with kids, is willing to get involved with something that is important to you and took your rejection with good grace.

I'd certainly not rule him out if you were in a better position yourself, but for now, you're nowhere near ready to date someone else.

[UptownFunk00]

I think you need some time for just you.

I used to go for the bad boys but you know what that really means, don't you? It means wanting to fix someone, change them into someone good - because you feel if you do maybe you'll feel secure about yourself.

I've never met a person who has gone for the 'bad' type who had any self esteem.

I just think you think that's what you want, because it's all you've known.

[hollowintheriver]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Mark your right, it wouldn't be fair on the teacher while I'm still hung up on my ex. Not only that but I would want my ex even more (strange as that sounds).

[tipsytrifle]

You've received some excellent insight and advice on your poignant thread hollowintheriver. I'd only add, as something to consider by way of letting go, that in childhood we have favourite things. In time and circumstance we let go of those things. We set them aside and move on.

You were with x from the next major phase in your life. Hard as it is, it's time to set him aside now as you did with childhood things. You're maybe still in between that phase and this new one, heralded by being asked out. It's a wake up call to a new phase in your life though obviously you don't have to accept any date offered.

Do consider, though, that the bad boy date is going to give you bad boy pain and maybe this is what the universe is offering you a chance to change. Maybe not with this guy but as a matter of principle.

You loaded your emotional plate with a huge journey becoming a mother relatively young but you're a lovely soul with a lot of wisdom and insight flowing in your veins. You'll figure out your way through the confusion that holding onto what is done and gone creates.

[SnoozeButtonAbuser]

I have no idea why people are telling you to go out with this guy!
He sounds like a nice guy, I hope you haven't scared him off. Really, wtf? I hope she has "scared him off" because she doesn't want to go out with him!

OP it's absolutely fine to say no to a date with a guy you don't want to go out with! Doesn't matter if he's nice or not, if you don't like him that way then it's a no thanks.

On a completely separate issue, as you know, your ex is a complete waster and you need to get over it. He's fucking awful and you'd be fucking miserable forever until he left you with a twat like that. Being single for a bit sounds like a great idea. Have you had any counselling, it really sounds like you could do with some?

[PirateSmile]

Instead of wanting to be with a bad boy, why don't you try dating a real man? You may find you prefer them. I wish you luck hollow

[ApocalypseSlough]

This is great:

I want to be single and rediscover myself, I also want to learn to trust men again. I would like to go on the freedom course so that I won't make the same mistake again and pick a guy like DS dad.

Write it down. There's four goals and you can make the first step
today

[whatdoIget]

It could spoil things for your ds at his class if you went out with the teacher and things didn't go well. Could be really awkward if you had to keep seeing him while ds was at the class 😬

[Hissy]

Highly inappropriate actually OP, he's your ds teacher

This would be a red flag for me actually, no decent professional teacher would ask the mother of Their pupil out like that, it's a minefield!

Focus on you and getting stronger love, do the freedom orogramme as a matter of urgency and Carry on as you are! You're doing well I your recovery actually.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You're extremely flustered and massively over-thinking, which suggests that you need more time to yourself being single.

So, focus on yourself and what you want to strengthen! The exchange with the TKD teacher doesn't need any further post mortem: he suggested an outing, you turned it down. Happens all the time.

Focus on your own feelings about yourself and what you think you deserve, in therapy, if possible.

[Whathaveilost]

Highly inappropriate actually OP, he's your ds teacher
I assumed it was a Taekondo class in the evening and not a school teacher so it would be very different situation.

[PirateSmile]

I don't see why it is inappropriate for an out of school 'teacher' to ask out a parent.

[PirateSmile]

That's not to say the OP should accept. There is a lot of stuff for her to work out before sheath be ready for a relationship, if that's what this man is actually wanting.

[ManonLescaut]

Clearly you can't go out with this man as you're not interested.

But I think you really need to sit down and figure out why on earth you're attracted to immature imbeciles - 'bad boys and their swag'.

Freedom Programme for sure.