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Separation / Reconciliation / OW pregnant

(73 Posts)
Notgettingoverit Wed 18-May-16 11:46:11

Apologies if this is jumbled, but I'm in such turmoil and just don't know what to do.
I started writing my 'story' but it's long and filled with events and emotions that are hard to put in black and white.
Long story short. Separated from husband 18 months ago. He left me. We have a 3yo child.
He started a new relationship. It didn't work out.
On both sides, there's a feeling of possibility for our marriage. But he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed.
The possibility was literally just exploring whether we should attend counselling and have the opportunity to sit, talk, listen and not give up on our family with any chance of regrets at not trying.
Here's the blow. I now know why he's been so cautious and why he's been so distressed with everything.
She's pregnant.
I feel like everything is ruined.
Even without this twist, if there was a chance of us reconciling it would be a long, hard road. Friends and family would find it hard to reconnect with him and I know it shouldn't matter but it would make life more difficult and awkward. But I was still ready to see if we could maybe make a go of things.
But this is something else altogether and I just don't know what to do or feel. My thoughts are changing constantly.
Has ANYONE ever been in any similar situation.
Any insight in trying again after a separation before even taking into account this baby that is going to be born.
I think I need to keep the 2 issues separate. Find out if there's a chance for us and then whether I can live with however the baby situation plays out.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading.

AnyFucker Wed 18-May-16 11:49:50

I would walk away. No man is worth putting yourself through that shit.

I am not you though. I expect there are some people who would have the energy and strength to navigate this but I am not one of them. I don't do selfless and martyr very well.

Potatoface2 Wed 18-May-16 11:58:49

My sis stayed with her husband when he got someone else pregnant....they have no children. ..shes a stronger person than me...but i think she will be off quite soon as its been a hard slog and shes basically had enough now....i think she regrets giving him another chance...i wouldnt personally have bothered

Notgettingoverit Wed 18-May-16 12:00:00

But is it being selfless or selfish? I really thought if we had the chance to explore everything and I got answers to what happened, with us and with the OW, I could explore the possibility of getting my family back together. Because ultimately, that's what I've always wanted.
I'm not naive enough to think it could be easy and am fully aware that I may never get over the betrayal I feel from him walking out in the first place. Trust would be a big issue but I was willing to see.
Now, there's a whole new completely fucked up layer to deal with.

Notgettingoverit Wed 18-May-16 12:03:08

Thanks Potatoface2
I just don't know if walking away now is going to lead to regrets later on also.
Feeling like it's a lose/lose situation at the moment.

Just5minswithDacre Wed 18-May-16 12:08:51

Find out if there's a chance for us and then whether I can live with however the baby situation plays out.

Or maybe the other way around?

Helmetbymidnight Wed 18-May-16 12:17:01

I would walk away, sorry.

You are putting yourself through absolute hell otherwise, and for what, a man who left you and won't use a condom with his new gf?

Its not another layer of complication - its your husbands child. Your family money, your family time, all to be given up...

Notgettingoverit Wed 18-May-16 12:20:32

Yep, true. Have thought that also. I need to protect my child and myself first. Maybe I pull away for a while and he deals with his new situation?
I'm just so confused.

Just5minswithDacre Wed 18-May-16 12:23:12

Can you actually imagine yourself welcoming the DC for contact (if you reconciled), happily forking out for school shoes and music lessons and all of that without resentment?

guinnessguzzler Wed 18-May-16 12:26:13

No experience but I suspect you are going to have to accept that what you really want (your family together and the whole thing behind you) is just not possible now where there might have been a slim chance before. That being the case, for me, it would be over.

KnockMeDown Wed 18-May-16 12:27:19

How recently did they spilt up, and how far along is she? Have you and him been seeing eachother again? Does she even know that it is over between them? Is he lying to both of you?

I would want to be sure he is genuine before I even began to consider this.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 18-May-16 12:27:50

I tend to agree that the potential SHIT and STRESS facing you if you reconcile is immense

is he really worthy it? a man that left you, and got OW pregnant?

Is he that fucking amazing that having this cheater in your life is worth

-never trusting him again
-dealing with your loyal F&F hating him
- dealing with the fact that he has another child, HUGE, requiring money, time and time with the "ex" OW
- feeling insecure for the rest of your relationship

is he so great that having him in your life will reduce the pain of the above?

flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff Wed 18-May-16 12:28:51

Like so many mums, I've often found that while I could put up with something for myself, let anyone affect my child in a bad way and there'd be hell to pay

Obviously your DH will have to support this child, and unless you're very rich this is going to have an effect on your own little one, not just now but all through their lives until they're old enough to be independent. You face a situation where everything you'd like to do for your own child - be it educational help, day to day stuff, a holiday or anything else could be compromised by this new child's completely justified needs. I'd hope nobody would suggest your DH shouldn't contribute, but what I'm thinking of is the perhaps understandable resentment this could cause you, involving as it would a constant reminder of what he's done

Could you live with that?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 18-May-16 12:29:29

you could split with him, and rebuild yout life. and meet someone that's not a fucking OW shagger/impregnator in due course

houseeveryweekend Wed 18-May-16 12:30:33

Getting your family back together shouldnt be a goal i dont think. Just because its not always worth it. The only reason you should get back together with this man is if you decide that you love, trust and respect him and vice versa. It doesnt sound like that is the case at the moment. I always think it has a worse impact on kids to see an unhealthy relationship with their father than it does to see their parents separated. If you do take him back at the moment think of that 'OW' who isnt really an other woman because she was in a legitimate relationship with him when he was single, and the fact that she will be alone and pregnant and may ask for support from him ie going to scans, being there at the birth... could you handle that? I think either way it will be awful. Awful if he does help her because youll have to sit by and watch and awful if he doesnt help her because somehwere in the back of your mind youll know that that woman is going through a pregnancy with no support that really any decent man would give her if she asked. Im not sure you can win really!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xxx

pocketsaviour Wed 18-May-16 12:31:38

Was she actually the OW? Your OP seems to state that he didn't get with her until after he had finished things with you.

I think that would make a difference to me. It's a different kettle of fish if he didn't cheat, than if he did.

MagicMoonstone Wed 18-May-16 12:32:35

How far gone is she?

I only ask this because this happened with my XH.

We reconciled. I got a series of texts saying she was pregnant so I called her bluff whilst I worked my shit out.

I told her it was OK and we would support her as a couple. XH would take her to scans and apps and if she wants him at birth then she's absolutely entitled to that and I would support his role in their lives.

Funnily enough I never heard back from her and no baby arrived.

Odd that.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Wed 18-May-16 12:33:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff Wed 18-May-16 12:35:10

Maybe I pull away for a while and he deals with his new situation?

Sorry, I cross posted with you on that blush

Thing is, it's not just "for a while" is it? Unless something goes wrong with the pregnancy this is something that will continue for at least 18 years, and even then it won't be over. That's a hell of a long time to cope with all the day to day effects of what he's done ...

YoungGirlGrowingOld Wed 18-May-16 12:35:16

What a shit situation OP flowers

Personally I would abandon the idea of reconciliation and focus on you. A baby is a game changer - a living breathing constant reminder of the OW. It would be impossible for me to get back with him after that.

I do know one couple who reconciled after the H had a baby with another woman. The way the W dealt with that was to pretend the child didn't exist. The H used to sneak off for a couple of hours with the child every fortnight and we would see them walking round the shops in all weathers looking despondent. sad The OW's child has a right to a father and if you can't deal with contact and being a step mum then imo it's best for all parties to walk away now.

Some men really do deserve cock rot. <pinched from another thread>

InaMay Wed 18-May-16 12:38:42

Whether you reconcile with him or not, the fact remains that your child will have a half sibling and his father's time, money and energy will be split in any case.

How you decide to proceed from here on in is something only you can answer. I might be off the mark, but there is something within your posts that make me think you are more invested in making this relationship work than he is. I don't think you could ever fully trust him, therefore, it could never work out.

Notgettingoverit Wed 18-May-16 12:39:06

Pocketsaviour - maybe not technically the OW, but in my mind she was and is. So yes, maybe he didn't cheat. But can I look at this like a step child????

Helmetbymidnight Wed 18-May-16 13:01:27

I don't really understand why you want to. He dumped you and got another woman pregnant. What's in it for you?

Having a step child is hard. Do you want to have a really close relationship with this woman, because that's what you need for it to work well?

Do you want to welcome this child into your home every other weekend, every holiday?

Are you really wealthy? You're going to be spending thousands on this child that your DH left you and your daughter to have...

I really wouldn't do it, and I would question - dig deep - and ask why you are so keen to try.

pocketsaviour Wed 18-May-16 13:11:19

maybe not technically the OW, but in my mind she was and is. So yes, maybe he didn't cheat.

That sounds like you are still harbouring a lot of anger and resentment, which perhaps it was easier to pour onto the shoulders of a woman he met after leaving you, rather than at the father of your child?

Have you considered relationship counselling? Even if things can't be worked out between you, it might help you lay down good agreements and boundaries for co-parenting in the future.

TimeforaNNChange Wed 18-May-16 13:14:00

maybe not technically the OW, but in my mind she was and is.

That is going to be stumbling block for everyone involved - you, your DH, the woman he had a relationship with and all the DCs.

It is unlikely that your DH or his exGirlfriend will share your opinion that she was the OW. Why should they? As you had split, then he was free to enter into a relationship (and impregnant) another woman.

He did not "have an affair" so you do not need to forgive him for that. What he did was enter into another relationship which has not worked out, and is now exploring the possibility of a reconciliation with you. Even though he has father another child - and that is a very different set of circumstances to come to terms with.

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