Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need to dump my white hot anger somewhere

(32 Posts)
DandelionGarden Tue 17-May-16 22:47:36

Resisting the urge to vent on Facebook because I know it will make me look like a loon and it will get back to ex and he will be revelling in the fact he has got to me yet again.

Whole shitty back story that is cheating EA XH who got everything in the divorce (I walked away for an 'easy' life) and makes me do EVERYTHING for our DC, who doesn't pay maintenance on time and fucks about with the contact schedule, often at the last minute. Back in JANUARY he asked if he could swap his weekends around in June, I thought so he would have the DC on his birthday and Father's Day. We had a text conversation to clarify and he's said he's not having them that weekend OR the weekend before because he 'already had them a day for [me]'. Is now ignoring my text asking which day he is referring to and screen shots of the messages from JANUARY.

He cancels all the fucking time, right at the last minute. Never mind this day he is talking about, I have them every time he cancels, every school holiday unless he decides he wants them (rarely) and every time they're off school. My job means I have to work evenings and weekends and I have no alternative child care. I have so much to do in June, I need the weekends I'm meant to be child free so I can work. I have to work anyway but doubly so because he doesn't think he has to pay maintenance. I fucking hate him, and hate how unfair it all is. Why? Why did I ever have children with such a spiteful piece of shit. I hope he gets cock rot angry.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

FrancesNiadova Tue 17-May-16 22:57:14

He didn't get everything though, did he?
You've got the most precious things of all, your beautiful dcs. As they grow and begin to appreciate just how much you've done and what a waste of space he is, you'll also have their respect and love.
Let him have his short term thrills, you've got gold to come home to. flowers

Zumbarunswim Tue 17-May-16 22:58:00

I hope he gets cock rot too flowers

Imbroglio Wed 18-May-16 09:14:38

Been there. It's horrible. In years to come they'll wonder why the kids don't want to see them any more.

Have you contacted the csa about child support?

wannabestressfree Wed 18-May-16 09:16:42

Then play hard ball....
Do maintenance through the csa..
Don't contact him unless he contacts you.
Treat him with the contempt he deserves.

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 18-May-16 09:19:32

What a piece of merde. You really are well rid brew cake.

DandelionGarden Wed 18-May-16 09:47:43

Thanks everyone. I'm a little calmer this morning but still raging at the injustice. I think I find it all so hard because I feel like I have no control over my life - he gets the ultimate say over what happens. Oh, and the pettiness. Him acting like he's doing me favours by swapping very occasionally when I request it when it is overwhelmingly me that looks after and provides for our DC and he cancels frequently. Wants kudos for having them a few days on the Easter holidays when I cover every other school holiday and inset days. Wants credit if his contact falls on a bank holiday weekend even though he drops them home on the Sunday like normal anyway confused.

I am inching towards contacting the cms but have been reluctant before now because I know he will lie about his income. He was paying regularly until he met his current GF. I'm also tempted to stop contact because the DC don't like going anyway, I have concerns about the way he looks after them (he doesn't brush their teeth for example and youngest had to have a tooth pulled) and he's so blasé about his responsibility towards them. At least if it went to court, the arrangements would be more rigid. Unfortunately my line of work requires me to work away a couple of times a year. Having said that, he's already refused to have them while I attend the national two day conference because he's already used all his holidays bullshit.

I feel so trapped. I wish I didn't have to rely on him at all for anything but it's hard to progress my career when I'm the only on duty parent 24/7/365.

princessbeer Wed 18-May-16 09:49:52

It's so bloody hard & frustrating isn't it??!! Good that you didn't post on Facebook - keep venting on here.
Keep on doing what you're doing cos you're doing amazingly.
Whenever my ex pissed me off or I had to see him, I visualised him as a tiny little man the size of a Lego man, trapped in a big washing up bowl. However crazy that sounds, it helped!
Defo get the child maintenance sorted though.

redannie118 Wed 18-May-16 09:53:25

Hi regarding CMS and lying about his income , is he self employed? If so thats the only way he could lie. If he works for a employer he cant lie, we dont ask him and get his figures direct from hmrc. Im a case worker for CMS 2012 scheme iv you have any othet questions

DandelionGarden Wed 18-May-16 10:02:12

Thanks princessbeer, your description of your visualisation made me grin. I sometimes fantasise about things going badly wrong for my XH but he's always been one of these people that always lands on their feet.

redannie, thank you for your reply, that's a very kind offer to answer my questions. He's not self employed but very friendly with his boss (it's a small company) and has rental income from a commercial property he jointly owns with his brothers and he also has lodger income (he's living in the 5 bed marital home whilst we're all squeezed into a tiny private rental miles from the DC's school). How much investigation goes into income? I think he'd easily be able to cover up the extra sources.

What rankles too is that I supported him financially through a failed business and a career change. My career stalled because I had our DC during my post grad studies and I've basically had to start again in a different career because it was always the unspoken rule that the DC were ultimately my responsibility while he progressed his career and pissed his wages up the wall every weekend. No idea why I stayed now.

hurtandconfued2016 Wed 18-May-16 11:04:31

Op I completely understand your rage! My ex has this great life with ow out for dinner 3 times a week away for romantic nights buying her expensive valentines presents.
Me... on maternity leave with a 2 1/2 year old and 11 week old. Scraping together what ever money I have and my parents buy the kids clothes as I have little to no money (having to save up to pay for the sell of the family home). Yet he is not agreeing to any of the money options my lawyer has given him.
He isn't there for emergency care as he has other priorities and obligations (ow)
Didn't help with baby or son when baby was born ( took his paternity leave and didn't see either of his kids)
I know I have won with the kids but sometimes it's just so hard!

DandelionGarden Wed 18-May-16 11:05:13

He just sent this: I had the kids an extra weekend for you at Easter if you remember and I had them an extra weekend another time.

So I replied: You do not have OUR kids for ME, they are your responsibility too. You actually had them a few days before Easter so I could go on a hen do but then didn't bother to have them on your next scheduled weekend and I was WORKING!!! I'm absolutely sick of you being so fucking petty! You harp on about having them 'for me' on sister's birthday but you dropped them off at my mum's on the Sunday lunch time! (It was her 30th and a BH weekend) I have them ALL THE FUCKING TIME when they're off school or ill. Why the hell is that MY responsibility alone?! I work too you know except I have to make my hours up on weekends and evenings because I'm the only one doing the school runs and looking after them every fucking day unless you DECIDE you want them. Do I DEMAND you make up for the times you cancel at the last minute or when you're late? Must be nice to have no worries about whether you'll be able to work or not or whether you can do all your work because you know I'm there to pick up the massive slack that you create. If you don't have them on the weekend of 17th - 19th June then you won't be having them for three weekends in a row. Personally I don't understand how you can stand being apart from them for so long but whatever, I'm not surprised to have it confirmed YET AGAIN what a selfish and shit father you are. You don't even pay maintenance anymore. Where the fuck is your contribution to their lives coming from? And what is more, I'm fucking ill. What the fuck are you going to do if I die? Whose responsibility will they be then? Don't even give a shit anymore. Girls don't like going to your house as it is, they'd be thrilled if they didn't have to go anymore. One day they will have a choice. See what happens then.

Ah, feel better now. Although I know his response will be to something insignificant like 'it wasn't my turn to have them on your sister's birthday weekend, even though he had them only a day and a half and we swapped for it angry. He will ignore the rest.

wannabestressfree Wed 18-May-16 11:15:57

I would block him and Phone the cms.... start as you mean to go on. My ex is the same. I have had them the last three weekends and I got fed up with bullying over money. It was Sorted in a month via cms.

givepeasachance Wed 18-May-16 11:27:47

Contact CMS today

It's the only language they understand. Appealing to his better nature is pointless because he doesn't have one.

Also, what is your lawyer saying about the house? This needs to be on the market pronto - at least half of that is yours.

This will get better, hang in there, but don't try doing it all yourself, use the professionals on him, it's the only way.

ChicRock Wed 18-May-16 11:32:26

I don't understand why you won't contact the CMS.

Any payment via them, even if it's less than you believe he should be paying, is surely better than nothing?

You're letting him have it all his own way. Stop being a complete pushover.

hurtandconfued2016 Wed 18-May-16 11:33:15

Op please go see a lawyer! You need to get this sorted it's not fair on you and the kids! Find out what you can and can't do regarding him seeing the kids.

JerryFerry Wed 18-May-16 11:42:54

I think you are giving him too much power. Don't air your frustrations to him, he won't listen, care or change. Be dignified. Keep contact to minimum and keep it business like, no capital letters, exclamation marks or colourful language. Treat him like the fool he is who can only follow short instructions in small words. Be glad the kids don't spend more time with him because they deserve better.

Yes, it is tiring and frustrating and difficult to maintain commitments, trust me, I've been doing it 8 yrs. it gets easier, and the kids will be better for having less time with a loser.

princessbeer Wed 18-May-16 12:19:08

I agree with Jerry Ferry
Venting to my ex never got me anywhere-in fact I think he quite enjoyed the fact that he still had the power to wind me up. Wanker.
Now I am very minimal with contact & it's always daughter-focussed.
I wish you lots of luck OP.
You sound great. He sounds like a cock.

DandelionGarden Wed 18-May-16 12:32:39

Thanks everyone. I know you're all right. I actually have an older child whose dad hasn't been involved either physically or financially for the last 14 year (ex's choice but now Ds's). CSA managed to get two payments totalling £30 in those 14 years so I feel a bit jaded about going down that route, especially since you now have to pay for the privilege. XH has, until January, always paid the cms minimum, reduced because he has them twice overnight (not that it benefits me as he cancels a lot anyway and picks them up late/drops them so early that I still bear the cost of their meals etc). We then agreed that he should increase his contribution but that's when he stopped paying on time. Until now, he has eventually paid but he's always two months behind. I'm just worried because I know he will try to get out of paying by whatever means possible and will take full advantage of the reduction due to overnight contact even though I desperately want him to stop having them on these nights.

I don't normally give him the satisfaction of a rant but I hate just meekly saying 'OK' because it's what I did when we were together. I don't want to just roll over and take his shit anymore. I don't know what to do with all this anger I have for him. Conversely, I no longer care about DS's dad. I think it's more infuriating to have them half involved, at least with a shit dad who completely walks, you just get on with it. It's the constant letting down and unfulfilled promises and obligations that get to me. I wish he'd either do the right thing all the time, or fuck off out of our lives forever. I hate this half state because he has all the control.

We are already divorced. I was given incorrect legal advice at the time and so didn't pursue the marital assets. Currently trying to save up to see a solicitor and start mediation (exhausted all free advice). There is a part of me that is frightened to start legal proceedings though - he's going to hit the roof and my life is about to get a whole lot harder whilst he attempts to punish me further.

givepeasachance Wed 18-May-16 13:12:27

You are going to be angry while this is all so unfair.

I am horrified that you have not had any share of the marital assets, I don't really understand how that can happen but if that is something you can change, then what are you waiting for?

What can he do to you now if you start these procedures against him?

He is already not paying towards his children, he already has all the marital assets, what else can he actually do? Text you abuse? Literally just block him.

I know it is hard, but you simply have to get these things resolved if you want to feel more in control and less angry.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Wed 18-May-16 13:15:01

He sounds like a complete tossed.

If he's on payroll then his employer will be forced to deduct payments from his salary - he won't even see the money. Please, please contact them.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Wed 18-May-16 13:15:20


MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Wed 18-May-16 13:16:32

Crap, I mean contact the cms, not his employer.

VioletSunshine Wed 18-May-16 14:15:45

Have you looked at what reduction he would get based on his salary vs how often he looks after the kids? It may not be that much afterall.

He is not going to be happy to get the letter telling him he needs to be paying child support - just keep picturing what his face might look like when he realises that aspect has been taken out of his control.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-May-16 14:28:45

How on earth did he get to keep the house while you're renting? Were you acting on advice there?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now