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why do I have to do everything around the house?

(75 Posts)
Dizzywhore Tue 17-May-16 22:35:05

My husband is a great Dad and husband. He does work hard and is out the house 7.30-6.30 5 days a week. I work part time and look after our 2 children 1 and 4.
I'm more then happy to cook every night and do the housework but I don't see why everything else isn't shared? I do all the ironing, washing, cleaning, shopping, running the kids about, weekend clubs, keeping the garden tidy his does cut the grass. I do 99% of all the care for the children even st the weekends.
Is this normal? Do most couples spit the jobs like this?

Dizzywhore Tue 17-May-16 22:36:35


Openmindedmonkey Tue 17-May-16 22:43:25

Snap! I feel your pain.
(Slight difference in ages, plus DH often away too)
It's not right or fair. We probably should do something about it. But it's not easy, especially when we seem to be doing such a good job & they don't realise they are taking us for granted.
I don't have an answer, just want you to feel that you aren't alone

MummyBex1985 Tue 17-May-16 22:46:00

I went from a 7:30 to 18:30, 5 days per week job to a much more manageable 20 hours per week.

You sound just like me! I now do the vast majority of everything so much so that DH cooked his first meal today in months and spent ten minutes photographing it so he has the proof. But I think it comes with working part time.

Sometimes I feel a bit miffed that he gets more leisure time than me. If I feel that way, I have a relaxing couple of hours to myself when he's at work and then pick it up again in the evening. But yes, I do the vast bulk of everything, including looking after my 3 step DCs.

Ughnotagain Tue 17-May-16 22:49:39

He's not that great a husband then, is he.

I'd say it's not normal but sadly this seems to come up quite often. I'm sure you work just as hard as he does.

Ughnotagain Tue 17-May-16 22:50:47

But yes, I do the vast bulk of everything, including looking after my 3 step DCs.

shock Bex! Why?!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 17-May-16 23:05:51

Good question, why do you have to do it all yourself?

Seriously, it won't change if you can't see what inside of you yourself let yourself become the 99% skivvy. How the hell did it happen? How the hell does it continue to happen?

Really, why do you wash his pants? Why do you cook food for him? Why don't you ask him what's for dinner? Why don't you tell him he's doing all meal planning, shopping and cooking because you don't fancy doing it any more? And the laundry for a few months too. You don't like doing it. And it is his turn now.

Genuine question. Why not?

jayho Tue 17-May-16 23:11:25

umm, you don't, plant a flag in the sand

NewLife4Me Tue 17-May-16 23:22:25

Why are you doing it? I don't understand why people do this.

Firstly, they can't do anything about it if they aren't there.
If you need support at this time seek it from elsewhere if possible.
A good time for gps or friends to swop a break with if you have a good network.

Talk to the dh/ partners and tell them what you want/expect.
Don't be a martyr and then bloody complain about it.

I'm a sahm, have been for many years but we all pull our weight and always have. Sometimes you do the majority because needs must, but at other times your partner should be doing the majority, even if it's only one day a week or a few nights.

blinkersoff66 Tue 17-May-16 23:25:01

seriously, I was in your position and my EXDH just assumed that all the "out of work" shit was my responsibility.
He is disrespecting you vastly.

AnyFucker Tue 17-May-16 23:27:21

He is neither a great dad nor a great husband

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-May-16 07:15:08

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you within this so what is it?.

What does he do at the weekend?. Watch tv or play on his phone whilst you slave away?.

And no, he is neither a great dad nor husband.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 18-May-16 08:04:26

Great dads and husbands don't have skivvies for wives - it's not 'why do you have to do everything?' It's 'why do you let him get away with it?'

chalky3 Wed 18-May-16 08:11:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownstairsMixUp Wed 18-May-16 08:15:48

Just because he works doesnt mean he doesnt need to do anything. Does he think you sit around all day sipping tea watching day time tv? My dh works to and im not working till september but he still does his share ie we take turns with dinner, bathing kids, emptying dishwasher etc. He knows i do lots in the day. Your husband has no respect for you.

DrMorbius Wed 18-May-16 08:20:49

I see the MN-Borg-Drones are out in force today (I read that on another thread smile ).

FFS - LTB, He's not that great a husband, He is neither a great dad nor a great husband.

Have you talked to your DH?
When I grew up my SAHM did everything. I never did a tap. More importantly I was never taught that I had to do anything. When I got married I never even gave house work a thought, got a rude awakening. My defence was I had no role model of a division of labours.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 18-May-16 08:24:30

Did it never occur to you why or how you had clean clothes, food, clean plates??hmm

Magic fairies?

upaladderagain Wed 18-May-16 08:29:07

My solution?

So I got a Saturday job. Out of the house at 7.30, back at 6.30.
The first two weeks he palmed them off on his mum, but I put my foot down and he had to cope with everything himself, including washing (until then he didn't know which was washer and which was dryer!).
I only kept the job for a year, but despite being a sahm and him working long hours it became our routine that he did the house cleaning, I did the ironing and cooking, as it gave him a whole new insight and respect for the work involved.

BrioLover Wed 18-May-16 08:38:02

You don't have to do everything. Surely you sit down and talk about it, and divide things more equally?

Bluecarrot Wed 18-May-16 08:38:37

Feeling taken advantage of is one of the reasons he is now my ex.
I was a sahm but he only worked 4 days and spent 3 others watching TV, occasionally loading/unloading dishwasher. Couldn't even plan to take toddler to the park or swimming.
Now we are separated he actually does stuff with our daughter and has to do his own laundry, cleaning and cooking (though prob lives on takeaways but not my problem)
I had tried to address the imbalance for years before the split, but he just (presumably) thought I'd drop it and go back to doing everything.

DrMorbius Wed 18-May-16 08:45:49

Costacoffee I have had this discussion before. Genuinely it never occurred to me, because it was how I grew up. My DM did everything (except cook) when we were out of the house (at school). It was just how I was brought up.

Changing sheets.... Wow who knew (I still don't like changing sheets and only seem to get involved once or twice per year as I go MIA).

Costacoffeeplease Wed 18-May-16 08:48:32

You sound a delight to have around the house DrMorbius

This is why parents who don't get their kids involved in household chores do them a great disservice.

DrMorbius Wed 18-May-16 09:03:06

sounded Costa. Obviously I had a steep learning curve. I do more than my fair share now wink

Dizzywhore Wed 18-May-16 09:04:49

Thanks for your responses.
He is actually a very good dad, plays with the children listens to my daughter read (sometimes) they love him to bits. Maybe cos he gets to be the fun one! Wish does pee me off a bit!
His a sweet man, and very kind I just think we have got into a crap one sided routine.
I'll talk to him and tell him how tired I am.
Maybe fuck off for a few hours this weekend!

Piemernator Wed 18-May-16 09:16:33

You need to discuss stuff and be very honest. My DH works crazy long hours and I'm now at home FT but he still does some stuff, I do far more but I'm not working at all and we have reached a place that is fair and equitable to us both.

The comment from Dr Morbius, my DH was rather like that and had not a clue. He was brought up in a home that had a housekeeper and then lived in halls or lodgings for 7 years so was still looked after. Apparently his landlady actually served dinner waitress style inc after dinner mints on the side. He looks quite wistful mentioning the set up in her house, it's never happening here.

So whilst these males exist that indulge their Stepford wives fantasies they need to be hauled up on their behaviour. Should they be enlightened enough not to have to be told, of course they should but reading through these boards many aren't.

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