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Am I being used?

(30 Posts)
PatCornwell Tue 17-May-16 20:52:04


Apologies in advance for the boring post but I really need some advice.

My partner and I are planning to have a friend visit us and take her up to London soon and he mentioned at some point weeks ago that it would be a good idea to book a group ticket as it's cheaper. Now I must admit I have a terrible memory but I am sure I mentioned I may be in London that week anyway but pointed out that it was a good idea (I have often found myself questioning my own memory of events and giving in to him based on the admission that my memory is bad). We live seperately but in the same area so it's tricky to organise.

The other day I confirmed I would actually be in London at the time anyway so would not need to be added to the group ticket. He replied (I assumed as a joke) that I should buy everyone lunch to make up for it and because he had already told our friend the prices for the group ticket as opposed to the full price. I havent replied yet but instinctively I want to say I never asked him to buy a group ticket in the first place and why did he tell our friend this before I'd confirmed? I know this would end in an argument and accusations that I am being unreasonable because this has happened so many times before but I really don't feel this is fair to me. There have been numerous times when he has told me I've said something which I am not 100% sure I have said and I have just given in to prevent an argument.

Judging by responses to my previous post, it would appear that he displays some emotionally abusive habits and I am wondering if this is an extension of those behaviours at all? Like I say, I am sure I didn't commit to the ticket idea but he has made me doubt myself and it's impossible to tell.

joanofgraceland Tue 17-May-16 20:56:27

Yes, Pat I would stick to your guns and not pay just because he has said it. It is a slightly amusing comeback to say something like this except for the person on the receiving end (namely, you). Aggressive behaviour is often wrapped up in a joke and can throw one off balance very easily. Just say, in modern day society it is polite for everyone to pay for their own and let him come back to you. You are not asking anyone to pay for your and neither are you paying for them - everyone should be happy!

haveacupoftea Tue 17-May-16 20:57:13

You cant live your life with someone scared to stand up for yourself in case he starts a holy riot. He's taking the piss and i would tell him where to go.

LizKeen Tue 17-May-16 20:59:01

Well, he is gaslighting you.

Do you have a bad memory with things involving others, or does this only happen with him?

Ragwort Tue 17-May-16 21:00:11

Why on earth are you with this man? He sounds utterly controlling, is your relationship really based on 'how to get cheap tickets'?

If this has happened 'numerous times' - perhaps it is time to get rid of this user?

PatCornwell Tue 17-May-16 21:03:35

Admittedly only with him but I can't remeber to be honest (no pun intended). I don't really see other people enough to compare.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Tue 17-May-16 21:04:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort Tue 17-May-16 21:06:53

Ditch him and start meeting other, normal, people.

Lookatyourwatchnow Tue 17-May-16 21:07:27

Why are you with him?

LizKeen Tue 17-May-16 21:15:18

Then the problem isn't you.

Why don't you see many people?

PatCornwell Tue 17-May-16 21:42:32

In his defence i think because most of my friends are from university and have moved away. Also I could be described as lacking confidence I suppose.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 17-May-16 22:03:07

Hi Pat

Some people let's call them predators can sniff out others let's call them prey, who lack confidence self esteem and in some ways vulnerable. He's using your perceived weaknesses against you, memory problems my arse.

He's using you and abusing you to boot, oh and your paying for the lunch for this abuser and the mate, stop being a sucker cut him off at the knees, and give yourself permission to dump him.

Your a giver and he's a taker there is no balance in this relationship. flowers

LizKeen Tue 17-May-16 22:05:26

You don't sound terribly sure about your memory problems or lack of confidence. That is probably because deep down you know that there is nothing wrong with you.

PatCornwell Tue 17-May-16 23:23:48

Thank you for your kind advice. Wht should I say to him out of interest?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Wed 18-May-16 00:21:43

as joanofgraceland said earlier, just say it's the norm for people to pay for themselves, and repeat, ad infinim.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 18-May-16 02:09:19

Tell him to buy his own lunch.

And make it the last time you see him, the gas lighting, money grabbing, arrogant twat.

DoreenLethal Wed 18-May-16 07:10:56

Wht should I say to him out of interest?

Fuck off you gaslighting cunt'.

Whocansay Wed 18-May-16 07:16:28

Say you never asked him to do this and he never confirmed with you. It is not your responsibility to pay for them.

And ltb. He is a gaslighting cunt

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-May-16 09:54:15

What should I say to him out of interest?

Fuck off you gaslighting cunt


loobyloo1234 Wed 18-May-16 10:34:27

I would reply saying 'Haha, very funny. That will teach you for not checking it with me properly first'

See how he responds and take it from there. I've been with a 'gaslighting cunt' (thanks Doreen ^) before and when you start doubting what you've said, it's just another form of manipulation on their side. Turn it around on you so you feel/look crazy

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 18-May-16 11:25:08


His paranoia is back because he's apparantly having conversations that don't exist

PatCornwell Wed 18-May-16 13:45:51

To anyone who wants an update..

I replied saying I thought he was joking and that I was sorry. After some research I found other group tickets that work for two people which were actually cheaper and offered to send links. Hopefully this resolves the situation. Thank you to all who offered their kind advice.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-May-16 13:56:58

It doesn't resolve the situation of your abusive gas-lighting asshole of a 'D'P though does it!???
You are just pandering to him again.
Tell him to FOTTFSOF - Job done!

PatCornwell Wed 18-May-16 14:38:45

He replied saying I was upsetting him and blaming him. He says he set out a plan and I agreed with it (which I don't recall other than saying "sounds like a good idea" but I could be wrong). Lets say I did agree though, would this still be a reasonable response?

LizKeen Wed 18-May-16 14:41:41

No. None of it is reasonable. He doesn't like that you have given him an alternative, because that means he has nothing to lord over you.

Honestly OP, he is never going to change or see reason. All that is going to happen is you are going to appease him again and again and lose yourself in the process, even more than you already have.

He is not a good person and is not worth your time or love.

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