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Pornography effecting my relationship

(19 Posts)
platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 16:09:05

I am having an absolutely meltdown today and need some urgent advice. I'm in a relationship with a man I turned my whole life upside down for. We've been together 3 years and we live together with my children from my previous relationship. We used to have an amazing sex life when we first met. I always knew he had a high sex drive - but so do I, so it worked perfectly. About a year into the relationship it took a nose dive and has stagnated there since. We have sex maybe once every few weeks - and its basically him getting off with no care whether I am satisfied or not. I know he watches porn. I don't like it for a whole lot of reasons but if I can't see it and its not effecting me, I turn a blind eye. Our lack of sex has bothered me a lot, and I'm starting to feel like he can't wait for me to leave the house so he can watch porn and masturbate. So this weekend I went out with friends in the afternoon - came home to a lovely used tissue on our bed. Great - he's watching porn and masturbating and I haven't had any satisfaction for months - literally months. It pissed me off. Am I not attractive to him anymore? I'm clearly not doing it for him - and if I'm not satisfied then whats the point? Then two days after I come home and I can see he has been cleaning the bed sheets down. I check his browser - and there is it, some grim homemade gang bang. I know think this has been going on the whole time - I have put our lack of sex down to contentment and life getting in the way. But now I know he doesn't need me because he is satisfying himself. What do I do? If I raise it with him he'll get angry and embarrassed. I don't want a sexless life - but if I leave I am uprooting my kids again. I love him - we have a good life - we laugh, we spend so much time together its untrue - we enjoy each others company immensely. But I can't just put up with this. Help!!

TheNaze73 Tue 17-May-16 16:26:07

I think you need a big, open conversation. Preferably on mutual ground where you can talk. I think he needs counselling as he sounds addicted to me. If he isn't get what he wants sexually from your relationship, he should talk to you about it, not take the cowards way out. Good luck but, did his embarrassment on the matter, he's potentially going to lose you & your children, due to his inability to open his mouth. Good luck flowers

TheNaze73 Tue 17-May-16 16:26:41

Sod not did. Bloody autocorrect!

RedMapleLeaf Tue 17-May-16 16:30:37

How did you turn your life upside down for him? misses point

platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 16:32:15

I cancelled my wedding two weeks before it was due to take place.....

platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 16:34:06

I know 'the big talk' is the answer here but I am really dreading it. The outcomes could be catastrophic - and I don't want him to know I have been snooping.
Im just so bloody frustrated - sexually too!! And I'm angry that he's jacking off to someone else and doesn't give a shit that I'm being ignored!

OliviaBenson Tue 17-May-16 16:48:35

You haven't been snooping though, you found a tissue on the bed. You do need to confront, it's not something that will go away.

Isetan Tue 17-May-16 16:52:24

Did you move too fast in this relationship and is the fear of it not succeeding, the reason you haven't brought up your dissatisfaction with your sex life? Sounds like he's got his feet well under table and no longer sees the need to make an effort. Only you can put him straight on that and if there's a cat in hells chance of him mending his ways, then he needs to know that you will kick his
arse out if he doesn't raise his game.

If you dont vocalise your needs, nobody else will, so stop being complicit (silent) in his poor treatment of you.

platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 16:57:21

You know what Isetan, you are bloody right. I really do think this is all about him not wanting to make an effort. Its just too easy to watch porn and jack off.
I need to get out of this teary headspace and grow a pair - to have it out with him. Im just feeling so inadequate after seeing his browser history - I can't help feel its me. I feel like he has cheated on me...

Jan45 Tue 17-May-16 17:37:55

It doesn't say much for his commitment to your relationship if he'd rather jack off to porn, I mean, for god's sake, he's not 12 years old anymore!

OP, as has been said, you need to speak up, he's treating you really badly and rubbing your face in it - time to take action, he's not any more worthy than you are as a person so speak out for what you want, I would not be happy about this at all, and you've only been together a short while, he should be all over you!

He either is on your page or he isn't, either way you need to find out cos you are right, you can't go on like this.

AnyFucker Tue 17-May-16 17:44:14

"I don't have a problem with porn, but..." (pops another pound in the box. I will be a millionaire soon)

Lovey, it's not "porn" that is ruining your relationship, it's him

pocketsaviour Tue 17-May-16 17:47:28

Leaving a spunky tissue on the bed is - I reckon - a deliberate act.

Is there a possibility that he chased after you because you were "unavailable" (I assume you were engaged to someone else) then after he "won" you, he's lost interest? I'm sorry, that probably sounds really awful, but I'm wondering if he has a pattern of needing the thrill of the chase.

platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 18:20:48

It doesn't sound harsh, I need as many views as possible! I think there might be something in the accessibility issue - I'm too easy? But how do I get round that? And I need to address the issue with porn. I'm not happy that he is using to the extent he doesn't need me

platejuggling Tue 17-May-16 18:22:15

You're totally right about him bring the issue, not the porn. It's a symptom not the cause. I'm worried about what he was looking it. It was not anything I would want to do and I'm worried that this is the problem?

AnyFucker Tue 17-May-16 18:24:41

You are turning this back on yourself. It's not down to you, it's down to him.

I really, really wish that women would stop blaming themselves for the inadequacies of their menfolk.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Tue 17-May-16 18:25:47

Oi AnyFucker I was going to claim that quid but you beat me to it!

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Tue 17-May-16 18:32:50

OP, stop doubting yourself: Am I too easy? Should I do the things he wants even though I don't want to?

You are half of this relationship and you have just as much right to have your needs met.

Jan45 Tue 17-May-16 18:46:56

Oh just stop it OP, none of this is your fault, the blame lies entirely with him - total sleaze if you ask me and leaving evidence lying around too, god knows what he is looking at, ignore this at your peril, the next thing will be web cams.

pocketsaviour Tue 17-May-16 18:51:54

You cannot change yourself, or your behaviour, to keep the interest of a man who is emotionally unavailable. He isn't interested in a woman he can have, because he's too much of a coward to take the risk of having something real. He'd rather chase after women in relationships, or wank over an image on a screen of a woman he'll never meet.

I think you have one big conversation with him to say "Our sex life comes back from the grave, which means you stop wanking over porn instead of coming to bed with me, or our relationship is over." And you HAVE to mean that. Unfortunately I think he will say all the easy things - "Oh babe, I've been so tired for the last two years recently, I'm stressed at work, I'll try harder" - and then just carry on wanking as normal. At that point, you'll need to move on.

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