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Failing relationship

(3 Posts)
Lostmytinymind Tue 17-May-16 11:15:07

Long time lurker but never posted before. Sorry this is going to be long! Me and my OH started seeing eachother around July last year, we became "official" at the beginning of October. I took my time getting getting to know him properly before commenting to a serious relationship because of both emotionally and physically abusive relationships in the past. I also have three DC's aged 1, 3 and 5 and didn't want to introduce someone into their lives unless I was 1000% sure it would benefit all of us. Everything has been great, we took it very slow from the beginning and slowly grew together as a couple naturally. I have always trusted him implicitly, despite been cheated on numerous times in the past. In April it came to light that he had cheated on me from when we were seeing eachother (we spoke right at the start and set boundaries). I outright asked him if we were going to see other people or not and he explicitly said he would not be happy with that so the agreement was, although we weren't "officially" together we wouldn't see other people either. I found out that he had been seeing this girl from around July right up until Novemeber. It caused a huge row between us. The thing is, I did question his friendship with the same girl previously, something just didn't sit right and he strongly denied it, to the point where he threatened our relationship. I left it as I thought I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. The issue came back up in April (I let it lie a long time I know). I just had a gut feeling that would never go. First he told me they had just kissed, but after further pressing he admitted that they had done everything except sleep together. He also admitted to sexting her several times and sending/receiving photos. I did actually message her, purely to confirm if what he had said was true. She responded apologising to me and saying she didn't know we were together but when she found out she confronted him and he insisted on just being friends which she did but hardly contacted him. I have no reason to disbelieve her, from what I know of her she is a decent person and I truly believe she was also hurt by his actions. What hurt the most isn't so much the physical side of the cheating, it's the emotional connection he had with her. The fact he continued to keep her in his life as a friend after. I confronted him and asked him why. Of course he just tells me he doesn't know and he was stupid etc etc. He says he kept her as friend beause he valued her friendship or some shit. It's safe to say he no longer has contact with her, I am 100% sure of this. It has really knocked our relationship. I do love him and I don't believe he is a bad person. He doesn't have form for cheating in the past and is actually still good friends with his ex and so am I. The problem is I'm not a very confident person and I suffer with depression, mainly due to the abuse in my previous relationships. He changed this though, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive, he helped me to trust again and love again. Since April though I am struggling again. I feel like absolute shit. I'm trying to "get over it" but it's so hard. I don't bring it up or throw it in his face. He has always said if I need to talk about it I can and he will be as open and honest with me as he possibly can be. Things are just so shit at the minute though, we keep arguing over silly things, not huge rows but still, we shouldn't be arguing so much when it hasn't even been a year yet. It all came to a head this morning and he says he doesn't think we can fix it anymore. I love him to bits and apart from what he did he is a wonderful person. I can however, see his point. I just feel so lost, I don't want to lose what we have but at the same time I don't want to force the relationship to work if it can't. I want us both to be happy and right now we're not. I don't know why I posted this, I guess I just needed to write it all down before my head exploded. Sorry for the huge rambling!

Tryingtowait Tue 17-May-16 11:47:35

Hi there sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through. I'm glad you were sensible to not get your kids involved and taking it slow. My question to you would be: can you trust him knowing what he's done and the fact you say he strongly denied it and lied to you about it? I personally think that he's got away with it once now and therefore could do it again. You and your children are worth more than that.

The fact that you're rowing and not 'getting over it' as you put it sounds like you can't really trust him either.

Lostmytinymind Tue 17-May-16 11:57:23

I made that point to him, several times. For days I went back and forth in my own head and openly told him it's going to be so hard to rebuild that trust. He cancelled a weekend away for a friend's stag do, I didn't ask him to, he said he did it to try and prove that he wants to fix it. There is some trust, but nowhere near as much as there needs to be. I know the pass code to his phone (always have) and all his account passwords etc but I've never once looked. He openly says I can if I want, but to me I feel if I do that then that bit of trust I do have is completely gone. I completely agree with what you are saying and I will not allow my children to be dragged through a relationship that causes arguments and uncertainty. I learnt alot from my previous relationships and took a lot of time out for myself before I would let anyone close to me again. I guess deep down I know what needs to happen. It just hurts so much. He was the first person ive ever really get close to me. I'm just hurt and lost.

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