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In my 50's, dating somebody with young children

(88 Posts)
RubyRedandWilson Tue 17-May-16 08:43:29

I have been seeing somebody, who I met online, for 3 months. I've fallen for him big tme. I'm 55 and have two grown up children, one of whom has an 11 year old daughter.

I knew this man had children younger than my children but he never said their actual ages - if I asked he would change the subject.

I finally got him to tell me their ages as it was quite obvious he was hiding something.

They are 6 and 2.

I'll admit, I was surprised. This man is the same age as me so I wasn't really expecting him to have children quite so young.

It also turns out he is a full time dad and every time we met, they were with their nanny (childcare nanny).

The childrens mum is not in the picture.

I'm now questioning the relationship. I am head over heels in love with this man, he has made me so happy in the 3 months we have been together, I don't want to give him up but I'm not sure I want to be "mum" to such young children at my time of life. My granddaughter is older than they are.

ALaughAMinute Tue 17-May-16 09:21:54

I wouldn't want a man with such young children either.

I would be be very wary about falling for him because he's probably looking for a mother figure for his children. Does he work?

Stillunexpected Tue 17-May-16 09:31:56

I think it was unfair of him not to tell you their ages before now. Being secretive about it would also raise questions for me. Is he hiding anything else? Why is their mum not in the picture at all? Regardless of whether he is actively looking for a mother figure for his kids, that is what is going to happen if you end up together and the children live with you full-time. How could it not happen?

PoundingTheStreets Tue 17-May-16 11:39:32

What do you want from a relationship? What does he want?

If the idea is that you eventually live together then you'd probably be better off ending it now before you get too drawn in. If you're both quite happy to continue living separately indefinitely, his young DC are less of an issue - I assume it would bother you less if his DC were favourite DGC and you became a SDGP figure to them? Is it their ages that bother you (as in they're so far removed from the ages of your own DC) or is the sheer level of responsibility inherent with DC of that age?

HuskyLover1 Tue 17-May-16 14:53:00

Oh blimey, I couldn't take this on. I'm 46, and my children are now adults (just), and me and DH (43) are looking forward to adult time/grown up holidays etc.

At 55, I can't see how it would be palatable to take on 2 young children. Let's say you do stay together, and it gets serious and you marry. You'll have to help raise them. By the time the youngest is 18, you'll be 71! And he/she is only likely to leave home at 18, if they go to Uni. If not, they could be living with you until you are mid 70's/early 80's. Where is your retirement. Your freedom to live again without the responsibility of children?

But it's so unfair of him, to suck you in, and not reveal their ages until now!

This is a hard situation to be in. I would find it hard to end it, if I was in love. I suspect you'll stay together and the pressure of the situation will eventually take it's toll, which will result in a split.

Ragwort Tue 17-May-16 15:07:57

I think it is very strange that he is a 'full time dad' and failed to mention this to you confused. Surely most people talk about what they 'do', or what their life style is during the first few 'getting to know you' dates?

Or am I being old fashioned about the dating scene?

Lighteningirll Tue 17-May-16 15:11:32

Hmm does he have older children too? What happened to Mum? Two is incredibly young and its a huge ask you really need to question his integrity in not telling you this earlier.

Rebecca2014 Tue 17-May-16 15:12:37

Eee no way, hes a twat for lieing to you anyway.

Imagine having go through it all your age and they aren't even your children. The restrictions there be on his life...

Cabrinha Tue 17-May-16 15:12:51

I think there are more things to consider about him than the actual fact of the children's existence.

Firstly, him refusing to answer a direct question about their ages previously. Personally I would have stopped seeing him there and then until he told me. I get that you might not put it in an OLD profile. But he should have told you as soon as you asked. I would have a big issue with that.

Secondly, what do you know about why their mother isn't involved at all? That's very unusual and I'd want to know exactly what had happened there. That is such a major thing that has happened in his life - you can't know him if you don't know what happened.

That aside - if I wanted to spend the next 30 years of my life with someone, I might accept 16 of those being with children. If I really was blown away by him being a great match. I wouldn't choose it, but I think about my boyfriend of 7 months now and how different it is with him, and how wonderful that I actually think I'd consider it. But it would depend on other things...

This may sound horribly practical, but it would depend on his financial position. I'd be more prepared to take on an emotional input to his kids than financial.

Itisbetternow Tue 17-May-16 15:57:32

I ha e young children and have done online dating. No way would I not mention the ages of the children in my profile. Otherwise I felt I was leading people on and not being completely honest to start with.

I would need to know more about why mum isn't around before I made any decisions. Seems very odd and another bit of deceit to be honest.

juneau Tue 17-May-16 16:02:03

Oh wow - 6 & 2 and he's in his 50s and mum is out of the picture?

Unless you want to be stepmum to two littlies I think I'd step right back at this point.

Plus, you've only known him for three months - how can you be 'head over heels in love' in such a short space of time? TBH I'd be questioning whether this has moved waaaay too fast anyway, even without the DC.

With them though, that's a whole different ball-game and he's been hiding them and their ages from you? I think I'd be questioning that too and wondering what else he's hiding.

CassandraAusten Tue 17-May-16 16:29:33

I can understand him not telling you their ages. It was a little deceitful but he knew you'd run a mile! At least he told you before things went any further - 3 months is still early days.

It's a big thing to take on a 2 year old at 55. Think very carefully!

juneau Tue 17-May-16 16:29:48

And yes, I'd definitely want to know where the mum is - emigrated? deported? prison? mental hospital? run off? he has a restraining order against her? There aren't many DMs who would abandon two such small DC.

Ragwort Tue 17-May-16 16:57:44

With such young children, and being a single parent, I am surprised he has the time and energy to spend on OLD. hmm

notinagreatplace Tue 17-May-16 17:07:40

I don't think it's necessarily sinister that the mother isn't around - it's unusual but it does happen, for a variety of reasons.

I think, if I were you, I'd bear in mind that you don't have to live together or be a mother figure, you can stay living separately and see each other and that actually might be best for all concerned.

Although I think he should have been honest with you, I think in a way the fact that he didn't tell you how young his kids were suggests that he's not looking for a mother figure.

Stillunexpected Tue 17-May-16 18:09:06

I don't think it is necessarily sinister that Mum isn't around either but I do think you need to know why not. If your relationship continues you are going to meet and interact in a fairly meaningful fashion with his children so you do need to know if e.g. she had died or has health problems which prevent her from seeing the children. They are going to be affected in different ways by her absence and the reason for it. I'm just not sure I could trust someone who deliberately hid the truth from me in this way.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-May-16 18:11:35

Never mind the ages of his children, I wouldn't be with a man who has basically lied about such a massive part of his life

WordsAreWind Tue 17-May-16 18:20:42

I don't quite understand the reactions from PP.

OP has been dating him for 3 months, she knew he had 2 children who are younger than hers, her youngest being 11. What exactly has he deceived her with?

WordsAreWind Tue 17-May-16 18:23:17

My apologies, i read that wrong but i still don't see what the issue is here.

Women do this all the time. They have been dating for 3 months.

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 17-May-16 18:26:12

OP'sgrandchild is 11, her dc grown adults.

Cabrinha Tue 17-May-16 18:28:16

Words OP's youngest is not -11. The 11yo is her grandchild!

ImperialBlether Tue 17-May-16 18:31:03

I'd be looking at the sort of future you want for yourself. If you want it to be the kind of future where you go out quite a bit, travel to places you couldn't before etc, then you shouldn't continue the relationship. It would be unfair on you and unfair on him.

I just can't understand how he's managed to get away without saying their ages - surely that is first date talk, if not clarified before you meet?

WordsAreWind Tue 17-May-16 18:33:46

Yes, i got that hence the post underneath. But i still don't understand why such jarsh reactions.

Can you not see any logical non sinister reason why a parent would not fully disclose too much information about the biggest part of thier lives?

Most parents don't even want their dates to meet their children until way past the 6 month mark in the most normal of circumstances.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-May-16 18:36:34

Give yourself a shake, OP.

You've known this man for five minutes 3 months and you're not 'head over heels' in love; you're infatuated with him and ime that can end quicker than it began.

How did you come to meet his dc and how often have you met them? them? Does the nanny live-in?

Have you met his friends and other family members?

expatinscotland Tue 17-May-16 18:36:47

I'm only 45, my kids are 7 and 10 and if I were single, I couldn't take on someone who had a toddler.

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