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Confused, leaving partner and relocating! ADVICE NEEDED!

(14 Posts)
SJM0991 Mon 16-May-16 21:29:30

So I am new to this forum and I am looking for some advice.
I am a mum of two children and have recently qualified in a new carer ready for a fresh start. I married young and had my children and that sadly did not work out. I moved away with my husband when I was young 300 miles away from the area I grew up in and then I moved home when we separated around 5 years ago.
Since then I have studied for 4 years and am now qualified with a job in the NHS which can pretty much take me anywhere.
Here is the problem; I have been in a relationship with a new man for four years and although I love him dearly I feel it has come to the end of the road. I live in a house in the area I grew up and have a small amount of friends who also live in this area.
My ex-husband lives around 1 hour away from here with his soon to be wife and her son. He is a great dad and sees the children most weekends. He collects them from school on a Friday and brings them home on a Sunday. I am now thinking of moving closer to him and his new wife and putting my children in the same school as her son. I have no family and I grew up with my nan who passed away and my mum is in my life but has a lot of additional needs and I guess I more care for her with her mental health and learning difficulties than her being a mum to me sort of speak. Other than that I have no siblings. I have always felt quite alone and being with my current partner and my children and work has been my life for the past few years. I have some insecurities and we don’t always see eye to eye. He is a good man but I feel we don’t want the same things in life; I feel I need a fresh start.
Moving nearer my ex-husband means my children get to see both of us regularly and means I can work part time and the children will stay at his house whilst I work etc.
I can afford to rent a house and have a small amount of savings which I would like to try and add too over the months so eventually I would be able to buy a house of my own.
Bottom line is I am scared. Scared of the unknown scared of moving to a new area with no family and friends for support. I am frightened of being isolated and lonely and worried it will affect my mental health. However if I leave my current partner I will face childcare problems and won’t be able to afford the current rent of the house I am in on my own. To solve this I feel moving closer to my ex-husband would be a good answer. He is very good to the children and him and his partner want the children closer and would have no problems having the children when I work. I am worried about the times when I am not at work or when the children are at their dads and being on my own. I am not the type of person who can just go and explore a new area on her own and go for lunch and shopping alone. I’ve felt alone most of my life with my family circumstances and it makes me fear being on my own even more. I have been in relationships since I was around 17 (the past 10 years) with my ex-husband and then my current partner and I guess I am scared I won’t cope. I want to make lifelong changes so I can really find myself and discover more about me. I know my current situation isn’t working and don’t see a future with my current partner. There are many things in the way, a lot of hurt in the past, trust issues and a difference in future paths. I would like to marry again one day and settle down- he does not want marriage and feels are relationship is enough. We also are not intimate anymore and I find that difficult as he feels you can be in a relationship with out that and I don’t. The intimacy has gone on his part. Although we still hold hands and snuggle in bed so to speak there is not much more than that as he has simply lost his “drive” which is a big issue for me as its been on-going for years. It has left me feeling unloved and has made me lose my self-esteem and I feel if I stay with him I will be settling and always longing for a man who I could share intimacy with and be fully happy. I know my possible plans of leaving him and moving away is hurting him but I feel I need to do it for me and my children. I know it upsets him to lose the children too but I want them growing up and being role modelled the way a relationship should be; affectionate, loving and caring on both parts.
Does anyone have any advice for my new adventure when moving away and how to make new friends, cope with the loneliness, the heartbreak that I will be going through because although I am the one leaving it will still hurt me. We have lots in common and have a lot of good memories. I need advice on how to cope in general so I don’t feel isolated? I know leaving my partner is going to hurt me as separating with my husband did but I would like to think one day I will meet someone and be happy again; but for the time being know I need to be on my own in order to rebuild my confidence, self-esteem and to not fear being alone. I don’t want to move and be depressed and regret leaving him and this area. I can still see my friends from home now and then but don’t just want to rely on visiting home as I don’t feel it is my home anymore and want to feel settled in a new area to begin my new chapter. I feel settling in a new area will only be done by meeting new friends who I can catch up with over coffee, have girlie days with and friends with children too so we can do things together with the kids. Any advice would be appreciated?

springydaffs Tue 17-May-16 00:13:06

You've done well if you are on good terms with your exH.

How does he (and his new STB wife) feel about you moving? Have you asked them?

Sorry if that's mentioned in your op. It's hard to read in a big block so I didn't read it all. Sorry

SandyY2K Tue 17-May-16 01:05:12

I will write more a more detailed reply later but please

Do not be afraid to be alone. You've gone from one relationship to another and need time by yourself.

Your current partner isn't for you. So you shouldn't regret leaving him no matter what happens. You have different goals.

Whenever you move it can take time to make friends.

Think about moving your kids out of school and how they will adjust to the change. They will also need to make new friends.

You could invite some of the kids and parents over from the new school and get to meet them that way..if you move.

Do you get child support from your Ex?

Check if there are any keyworker housing schemes where you are.

Isetan Tue 17-May-16 03:59:56

I think you should do some work on yourself before moving because a move won't solve your primary issue, which is feeling lonely. I also think basing your future plans around someone else's family is not a good idea, what are your Ex's plans regarding staying where he is.

SJM0991 Tue 17-May-16 06:55:34

I can't work on myself all the time I can't work. If I stay here I can't work because of childcare issues. Moving allows me to be closer to ex-husband and means I can work too.

He and new partner and are fine. I've discussed with them and asked them to discuss their thoughts thoroughly. They came back to me and say there glad the kids will be closer. I also won't be immediately next to them just closer but won't see them anymore than I do now.

I feel the move would benefit my children. Being nearer their dad. The older one gets upset when he leaves me or comes home from dads and we have discussed in the past and he has said he wished we were closer together. Although that wasn't an option in the last with me training.

Kids are quite resilient. People are always afraid to leave because of children and o understand their reasons. However I am fortunate- my divorce wasn't unpleasant and the boys have the beat of both worlds with me and their dad. Two families, two Christmases, birthdays etc. I spend a lot of time doing outings in the week in evenings with them as dad has them weekends and he does lots of pleasant stuff spending time with them on weekends.

The change of school will mean the boys needs to adjust however they are quite outgoing and I will make sure i start work after they are settled in so I have time to enable them to do so. Maybe invite some friends for tea etc so they feel settled. Their step brother will also be at the school too.

SJM0991 Tue 17-May-16 06:56:47

Forgot to add there was a year between my last two relationships; I moved home and had time alone and with my children and friends before the second relationship.

SJM0991 Tue 17-May-16 07:00:12

I do get child support from ex. He also will be staying in the area he lives long term as him and his partner love the area and have work commitments. They are both supportive of me being able to work and the children being nearer us both

SandyY2K Tue 17-May-16 08:40:44

I'm not sure how I'd feel if my partner's ex wife was coming to live that close and even have the kids in the same school as mine, but maybe I'm just a little too jealous or insecure to handle it.

I hear so many times of exes getting back together and having affairs.

It just seems too close for comfort, but you say they are supportive so that's a bonus .

SJM0991 Tue 17-May-16 08:56:10

No chance of us getting back together. Also from his point of view his kids are his family and he has always put them first. His wife is supportive of the decision. This post isn't about his wife as such. Myself and ex husband have taken her into consideration to a certain extent and made sure she has no issues with it; however the main concern is what is best for the children not his wife. All three of us agree on this. My ex has never been a part time dad he is on their life as much as me so going to the local school and living us both means they get the best of both their parents and their step mum who they also love

WannaBe Tue 17-May-16 09:40:10

At the end of the day, you are isolated where you are, moving will give you the opportunity to work and will give your children the opportunity to have a more balanced relationship with both of you.

It doesn't sound as if you're planning to live next door to the ex, just be in a position where the kids are closer to both of you.

And assuming you're not automatically assuming that his DW will be taking on your childcare without her agreement, where you move to is in fact not really any of her business. (Just looking at PP claiming insecurity etc).

SJM0991 Tue 17-May-16 10:02:35

His ex has actually suggested we used the same childminder to collect from school if we are all working as it makes sense that when they have the boys they are collecting all 3 (including her son) from the same childminder. It would be good continuity for the boys as well and treating them all the same.

I don't expect that aspect to be a breeze. It will take some work. I am not naive and understand it may be hard on both parts until things are settled and in a routine. I know she loves my ex husband and my children and wants the best for them all as do I.

FrogFairy Tue 17-May-16 13:31:07

I am assuming you will be nursing in the NHS.

I have no experience of this personally, but I have a few schoolmates on Facebook who are nurses. From seeing their posts they seem to have a great bond with their colleagues so hopefully you may make new friends through your job as well as mum friends at the new school.

SandyY2K Tue 17-May-16 16:24:32

I have to say it sounds like it could work out nicely. You can make friends with other school mums and fellow colleagues.

I'm sure in time it will be just fine.

mummytime Tue 17-May-16 16:41:42

You are only 27? You are young and have lots of time to make friends and settle in a new place.

Is it a place you like? Are there things to do there? What about when the DC are teenagers?

It sounds like a great challenge. If you've ex's wife is happy with you mixing in similar circles (as you will with kids at the same school), then I'd go for it.

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