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Tried to have 'the chat' several times...

(16 Posts)
backonthebikeagain Mon 16-May-16 20:41:41

And I think I blew it on every occasion...

Ive been seeing a great man since November. I wasnt looking for anything so it came as quite a shock. I have children and he has none.

We see each other a couple of times a week, usually here when my boys are in bed. If I dont have them I will go to his house and we will go out. We text all the time and we both like each other a lot.

So, a few times I have asked where he sees it going. He just turns the question back on me. I have suggested he meets the boys, but that he thinks about. It hasnt been mentioned since.

What do I do now? I dont want to ask it again but I feel like im in limbo at the moment. Should I just leave it and let it progress naturally? He is the nicest man I have ever met and he knows I was completely against starting a relationship when we met. So maybe he is just trying not to push me into something??

Could this just be a bit of fun for him? I genuinely dont think it is.

TheNaze73 Mon 16-May-16 21:59:58

Take your time, enjoy the next date & the next & see how it goes. It's only been 6 months. Enjoy the today & don't get preoccupied with the tomorrow.

Cabrinha Mon 16-May-16 22:18:36

If he's the nicest man you've ever met, why can't you just have this conversation with him?

I'd be unimpressed with him turning your question back on you several times, if you literally mean all he'll say is "where do you see it going?"

It's fine after 6 months for him to say "I like you, but I don't want to talk about where it's going because it's early days and I just want to see what develops". It's not fine to duck out of answering altogether.

I'm not sure what happened re meeting the kids - you've been autocorrected I think!
Did you type that you haven't suggested he meet them, just think about it?

I'm usually a supporter of early introductions, circumstances depending. But I don't think you should introduce him yet - you're not comfortable to have conversations about the future with him, and he bats you off when you do. That is not the situation you should be in when introducing kids.

Stupendouslyshit Mon 16-May-16 22:24:55

OP, does he talk about your kids generally? Does he take an interest in them and their part in your life?

I'm curious because I'm in a similar situation but haven't yet had 'the chat'.

If he's turning the question into you, it could be that he's not ready to meet them and at the moment, just likes things as they are?

Doesn't mean he doesn't like you but he's just not ready for the commitment. Meeting the kids takes everything to a new level.

chocshortbread Mon 16-May-16 22:26:44

I'd be a bit wary if he's met you when you definitely didn't want anything, only because I've met a couple of commitment phobic type men when I've been feeling that way, it attracts them. Does he take an interest when you talk about dcs/ask questions about them and so on?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 16-May-16 22:57:29

You've only known this man for a few months and I'm wondering why you're in such a rush to establish his intentions, so to speak.

I suggest you defer any further attempt to have 'the talk' until you've been seeing him for a year, at which time the Christmas/New Year holidays will be on the horizon and rhe acid test will be whether he's planning to spend any of them with you/your boys.

In the meantime perhaps you could plan a day out to the beach or other family friendly activity and invite him to meet your dc.

Smorgasboard Mon 16-May-16 23:02:11

I've had 'the chat' a couple of times and, while it is a big thing to a mother, because it's a pivotal point where you are thinking that you will continue or end based on how the chat goes, it doesn't really prove a great deal. Some men will make the right noises at the time because it is in their interest to, if they want things to continue with you. I'm not convinced they think much beyond their personal desires at that time, whereas, a mother is quite willing to forgo her needs for their child.
Both times 'the chat' was a reaction to the man wanting to see more of me and be involved. It's a bit unusual I'd say to be in the situation of wanting to do the chat as a mother, like begging the other to be more involved. I'd put it off until the other pushed for it tbh as a protective instinct kicks in where kids are concerned, so I'd only consider introducing anyone to my child if I thought their request was reasonble based on where things are going. Flip side is, if not pushed, I'd assume that the other does not want to progress that far yet, so in short, I'd treat what you have as a bit of 'you time' and fun on the side of family life, but nothing serious. If he wants to progress things, he will ask you, you should not push him to be more involved in the reality of your life, some are just up for the good easy times.

Slowdecrease Mon 16-May-16 23:40:33

If you made it clear you didn't want a relationship at the start and he was good with that....what needs clarifying now? That you've decided you want a relationship and you want him to decide the same? As a PP said surely it's best to just go with the flow? Just because you've done a 360 don't start trying to label it, that's the kiss of death for any blossoming relationship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 17-May-16 00:26:56

What's wrong with the current set up? Sounds brilliant to me.

backonthebikeagain Tue 17-May-16 07:30:04

Thanks all smile He does ask about the boys all the time and he loves kids. I should have said that I've known him for years through work. He says how much he likes me all the time so I wonder if he doesn't want to push me into a full on relationship??

I think I will forget about the chat etc and just carry on enjoying what we have. It's the first relationship I've been in since splitting with their dad so this all very new to me when you have children to think about as well!

Stupendouslyshit Tue 17-May-16 07:55:07

I hear you OP.

I too know mine through work so not a stranger.

Hope it goes well for you.

Slowdecrease Tue 17-May-16 09:02:46

In my opinion, men don't deliberate and worry about 'pushing' a woman into a relationship. They don't want ambiguity anymore than we do. I suspect he's happy that you didn't want a full on relationship at the start and were just happy to see where it goes as he was too, that's normal. Intimacy takes time. I genuinely think (arseholes aside) men are much better at relationships than women. They tend to be direct and honest in what they want, we just sometimes don't want to hear it as it doesn't fit our timescale/outlook.

backonthebikeagain Fri 20-May-16 13:39:15

Well, some of you were right! He has now ended it blaming work commitments. He is going to be travelling alot over the next few months.

Im absolutely gutted sad I honestly thought I had found a good one there.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 20-May-16 14:12:48

Oh OP what a horrible update.
I'm so sorry.
The upside is you found out before the kids met him and got attached.
And you now know he's not interested.
You now know that maybe you are open to a relationship so you can move forward knowing this.

flowers for you

backonthebikeagain Fri 20-May-16 14:26:22

Thank you. I am so upset. I wish I could be a man and just switch my feelings off!

HandyWoman Fri 20-May-16 18:14:50

Oh OP flowers for you.

Lick your wounds and give yourself time.


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