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I know it is wrong.

(205 Posts)
Elderberries Mon 16-May-16 18:52:49

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

juneau Mon 16-May-16 18:56:56

While OM is right there in front of you I can't see this ending well, because neither of you has shown yourselves to have the control in the past to avoid one another. Lunches? Coffees? This is just going to stoke your lust for one another. TBH the best advice I can give you is to go and find another job and cut all contact if you value your DP and your relationship. You and this man are not meant to be and you're both in other committed relationships. Get the hell away from him, permanently, or you'll forever be tortured and tempted by him.

Psycobabble Mon 16-May-16 18:58:18

Not gonna be judgey as iv not been an angel in a previous relationship


No good will come of this !!!!!!!

You say you love and want to be with your partner then that's what you need to put your energy into . I seriously doubt he would forgive you again so imagine him finding out and telling you it's over how does that make you feel ???

You KNOW you need to cut ties with this om going for the odd coffee etc is no good your allowing yourself to keep hanging on

Summerlovinf Mon 16-May-16 19:00:20

Write it down, send to Mills and Boon and then grow the f* up.

Pinkheart5915 Mon 16-May-16 19:03:29

I agree with pp while the OM is around this won't end well.
You need to look for another job

You need to seriously think what you want, you say you love your partner but you have a funny way of loving somebody you have shown a complete lack of respect for your relationship.
Your partner gave you a second chance after the first time you was with this OM, you've been with him many years and have children.

Lots of people don't get all the attention that want in a relationship, that is life especially when you have children. Put your focus on to your relationship arrange something nice with your partner.

Joysmum Mon 16-May-16 19:05:08

There's a lot in there about you and your feelings.

Can you imagine the pain you'd cause your partner if he read this?

Why the hell would you flirt and go iut socially with OM, why put him through all of this again? That's not love sad

AndYourBirdCanSing Mon 16-May-16 19:05:13

Well, you know how incredibly selfish you have been. And cruel. You know your husband deserves better than this. You are SO lucky he was able to forgive and move on after the first time. Can you imagine the devastation he would feel if he knew? If all that pain was for nothing?

You NEED to cut all ties with this man. All of them. I actually think your husband deserves to know what you've been doing so he can decide for himself, but I am guessing you won't?

Iamdobby63 Mon 16-May-16 19:09:17

How would your partner feel if he found out you were meeting this man even if it was actually only for coffee?

Do you think he would forgive you again?

Does he really deserve all this potential pain?

You do realise if you get caught you could end up with neither of them?

Questions you might want to ask yourself.

NerrSnerr Mon 16-May-16 19:10:23

So you love your partner so much you're amazed by him, but you hurt him horrifically when he found out about the affair last time and you have risked doing it again by kissing him and having cyber/ phone sex with him.

If that's the way you treat someone you love then I'd hate to be your enemy.

I think you should tell your partner the truth so that he has the choice whether he wants to stay with a cheating partner or leave and find someone who isn't going behind his back.

Elderberries Mon 16-May-16 19:22:50

No I will not tell my partner. I regret telling him the last time. It just hurt him and caused him disquiet. I should have dealt with it all myself. Even if I planned to leave him I wouldn't tell him. Why hurt him like that? I want to deal with this. It's not his fault it's mine. The character flaw is mine.

WindPowerRanger Mon 16-May-16 19:26:53

At the moment you have got excitement (OM) and safety (your partner). You are going to have to pick one, and let go of the other.

Up to you of course, but your partner has stayed through thick and thin and worked on the relationship after the affair. So what he feels for you must be real. And as for the not noticing you enough, while it sounds a bit immature of you, if it bothers you, work on it.

As for OM, he likes the excitement, clearly. Loyalty is not his strong point. He has come back for more even though he's now married. Choosing him is a leap in the dark. Actually, it isn't really. He might not want a proper relationship with you and if he did, you might find he would simply get another mistress to create the triangle he obviously favours.

But really, this is not about 'Do I want Mr. A or Mr. B?', so stop thinking about the pair of them for a moment and ask the better question 'Why am I doing this?' and really think about the answer. If possible, do it away from home e.g. on a visit to your parents alone for a weekend, and without having contact with either man. Stop 'dabbling' with OM.

There is a lot in here to untangle: self-sabotage, being hooked on excitement, needing attention, denying to yourself what you are doing, as though you have no control and it's just happening to you, how you see your future. Maybe you shouldn't be with either of them, I don't know.

But please, don't be that woman with the hand-wringing, the dramatic 'Don't know what to do!' etc etc that ends up with protestations you are the victim despite treating everyone badly.

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp Mon 16-May-16 19:29:21

Leave your husband as you're clearly not able to let this man go, which isn't fair on him.

NerrSnerr Mon 16-May-16 19:30:23

If he is amazing and you love him as much as you say you do then leave him so he can find a woman who deserves him. There's a reason he would be devastated if he found out, because it is a huge breach of trust and you're treating him appallingly.

NerrSnerr Mon 16-May-16 19:30:54

Do you have children with your partner OP?

AyeAmarok Mon 16-May-16 19:31:43

You don't love your partner. You don't respect him either.

haveacupoftea Mon 16-May-16 19:35:39

You're acting like a scumbag. Sort it out! Your husband doesn't deserve to have a cheating rat for a wife. Btw this bloke who you think is so wonderful and amazing is a perv who is happy to use another man's wife for sex. Some catch.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 16-May-16 19:37:33

Well the Mm sees you as an easy way to get his kicks. Love? I don't think so, this isn't love, it is pure lust/excitement and has no real basis for a future strong relationship.

The pair of you deserve to be caught and then you deserve each other.

And how you could be so cruel to your husband is beyond me. What a horror.

Fgs if you can't let go of the Mm then at least kindly end your relationship so this man is free to be in a relationship where he is truly loved and valued. You can harp on as much as you want about how you love him but that's not how you behave when you love, care & respect someone..

ChicRock Mon 16-May-16 19:39:00

You don't love or respect your partner.

You're making a fool of him and the trust he has put back in you.

You won't let him go because you're utterly selfish, it's all about you you you.

You're cruel and nasty. I hope your partner ends up with someone who he can be happy with, that's not you. All that he has with you is fake, built on a lie.

Elderberries Mon 16-May-16 19:39:41

I have two Young children. I do love my husband. I really believe I do. I am surprised by how selfish I am being. its like I'm looking at a completely different person. Love is a bit like insanity at the beginning.

Iamdobby63 Mon 16-May-16 19:47:01

Have you posted about this before?

AyeAmarok Mon 16-May-16 19:49:15

Stop making out that this is all happening to you, like you have no control of it.

These are choices you have actively made.

Choices. You chose this.

originaldoozy Mon 16-May-16 19:52:09

I am simply lost for words at how utterly selfish you are and how little regard you have for your partner and children. You do not love your partner. I could never treat someone I love in such an appauling way.

Saying you won't tell him as you don't want to hurt him is so cowardly. You should leave your partner so that he can find a truely loving relationship with someone else. You should also keep away from the other man who once again you have acted so awfully with ... pursuing him onve he was married (obviously not absolving him of any responsibility).

Grow up and start treating other and yourself with more respect.

Lorsaidthedean Mon 16-May-16 19:57:05

This won't end well. You need to shut the door. Or something.

crazyhead Mon 16-May-16 19:59:15

There's no 'why' it is bog standard to very excited at the idea or act of transgressing when you are in a long term relationship. Boredom, vanity or something being genuinely a bit wrong with your relationship? Love of living near the edge? Either way, you stand a lot to lose and so do the people you love

P1nkP0ppy Mon 16-May-16 20:00:39

FFS, you sound like some lovesick teenager!
Your poor DP and children definitely don't deserve you or your behaviour.
You don't love your DP, you love yourself and some Mills and Boon fantasy.
Either grow up or have the decency to tell your DP you're cheating, again. He certainly doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

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