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Married ... celibate for the last 5 years. Wondering which way to turn.

(64 Posts)
myusernameisboring Mon 16-May-16 17:51:08

Hello, Ive been spurred on my a separate thread and would appreciate some input. Im really unhappy with my situation at the moment and wonder what you might do in my situation. This might ramble a bit so I apologise.

We have been married for ten yeas. No children. Five years ago, my DH underwent surgery. This resulted in nerve damage and as a result of this, he is unable to get an erection. At the time, we were told that it could improve, and weighing this up against the risk of the problem causing the surgery, was one we were both happy to take. However, things have not improved, (so far as Im aware)

I love DH to bits. However, as the title suggests, I've had no love life whatsoever for the past five years. Very little physical contact, just the odd peck on the cheek now and again and the occasional cuddle, always instigated by me. He rarely comes to bed at the same time as me so no night time cuddles.

For some time now, he's been very negative about just about everything. Literally every word that comes out of his mouth is a complaint or negative comment, not specifically about me, it's about everything. If the news comes on I change the channel as it starts a rant. He's fallen out with the neighbour which to be fair, Im totally in agreement with him on). I seem to be constantly trying to cheer him up or jolly him out of it. He never asks about my day or how Im feeling.

He's also constantly moaning about us being poor. He has about £600k worth of investments, and currently has about £7k in his current account. He is retired and draws a substantial pension from his investments. I am currently £300 overdrawn (I earn around £1k a month and never manage to save anything). I've had an expensive month with two family birthdays and road tax and insurance falling due. I asked him to come along to a supermarket with me today to get enough food in to tide us over until I get paid next week and he went absolutely off on one, asking how I think Id manage if it wasn't for him as he "pays for everything". We spent £40 in Aldi.

We have no mortgage (house is worth circa £350k), he pays council tax and utility bills (which I regularly check on comparison sites to keep them a low as possible - he cant use a computer and has no interest in doing this) and I tax and insure the car (which is £800 a year!!) and buy all the food and do all the cooking and most of the housework.

Lately, I've been feeling very isolated. My friends and family live about 20 miles away. DH isn't particularly sociable, and we stay in, every night, for months on end. He doesn't drink. He spends most evenings in his workshop, working on his hobby whilst Im cooking or doing the house work. My best friend is getting married later this year and we're both invited to the ceremony and to the evening reception. His reaction? "Why do I have to go, she's your friend?". My other friends will be there with their husbands.

Ive started thinking about going to stay with my parents for a bit, just to clear my head and have a bit of a break. Im scared that I wont want to come back.

What would you do in this situation?

Forflipssake2 Mon 16-May-16 17:55:29

Your life sounds miserable I'd leave him

Jan45 Mon 16-May-16 17:56:33

You don't have a life, you fit into his life and he drains the joy out of everything, regardless of his medical issues.

Sorry but life is too short, he's financially abusing you also - time to make plans to start a happy life OP, without this dead weight.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 17:59:44

I always wonder why posters in your position say you love your partners. There doesn't seem anything but a memory to love. He is treating you really, really badly - it's horrific that you are overdrawn when he has so much money. It's shocking that he is so cruel to you.

Do you really want to stay with him? You'd do quite well financially if you left - that would certainly give him something to grumble about and it would make your life so much easier.

Mrskeats Mon 16-May-16 18:00:56

This sounds like my worst nightmare
The split money thing I hate, how is it a marriage if one person has loads and the other is struggling?
The no affection is also a big issue
It just all sounds all miserable
Go to your parents and have a think about if you want to live like this

Dangerouswoman Mon 16-May-16 18:02:43

I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship. Not one thing whatsoever.

Kr1stina Mon 16-May-16 18:03:26

He's retired, you are working but you do all the housework , shopping and cooking

He has £7k in his current account and you have -£300 .

You don't even kiss or cuddle, let alone have sex . You don't go out together

You sound more like his live in housekeeper ( on a very low wage ) than his wife of 10 years

HamaTime Mon 16-May-16 18:03:38

I'd leave. He is unkind and tightfisted and you have no children. If there were children I'd be tempted to stay based on it being not absolutely awful but I'd rather be by myself than lonely with someone else.

myusernameisboring Mon 16-May-16 18:04:59

Oh I know that, Blether, but I couldn't take him to the cleaners. He worked very hard at a job he hated to be able to retire early and live comfortably. I just wish we had a bit more fun together. Money's never an issue when it comes to buying expensive parts for his hobby, which is one thing we do together sometimes.

I'd feel bad about leaving him as he has no other living family. He has plenty of friends - although he's always moaning about them!

Jan45 - you've hammered a nail right on the head there!

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 18:05:54

How old are you? He's retired, so he's in his sixties? You sound a lot younger. I know you marry in sickness and in health, but the thought of living with that bugger as he deteriorates would make my blood run cold. If he's bad tempered now, think what he'd be like if he really did have a problem. And then everyone would think you were mean if you left him, whereas now they'd completely understand.

MusicIsMedicine Mon 16-May-16 18:09:59

He doesn't have any gratitude for what he has.

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds dead in the water. The zero affection sounds utterly miserable. Why can't he give you any other sexual pleasure? Or take you out anywhere?

What's the point of you staying in this relationship?

myusernameisboring Mon 16-May-16 18:10:54

I'm 45 ImperialBlether

myusernameisboring Mon 16-May-16 18:11:10

He's nearly 60

HamaTime Mon 16-May-16 18:12:03

You're burning daylight

greybead Mon 16-May-16 18:15:29

The sex isn't the real issue. Everything else is. He is dragging you down.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 18:16:00

That's a really great phrase, HamaTime. OP, it seems so clear cut. You don't have children. You have a job so you can support yourself. There is money for a divorce.

Did you bring anything financial to the relationship? Did you have a home before?

Mrskeats Mon 16-May-16 18:17:59

How do you mean you wouldn't be able to take him to the cleaners?

myusernameisboring Mon 16-May-16 18:19:01

No, I didn't. I was living in a rented flat when we got together, 16+ years ago. He had his own house. We now live mortgage free in a different property, which he inherited.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 18:19:37

That's right - the sex is the least of your problems.

Mrskeats Mon 16-May-16 18:21:31

You are married so will be able to have a comfortable life if you divorce
And more importantly an actual life

AdoraKiora Mon 16-May-16 18:25:36

It sounds like a failed relationship to me.

Sex is (as the pp said) the least of it. You're isolated, bored, get no affection, seem to have no shared interests or social life, he is negative and critical (and tight-fisted, by the sounds of it).

You're 45 years young. Get out while you can.

MusicIsMedicine Mon 16-May-16 18:35:02

45 is far too young to resign yourself to this kind of life.

Don't make him the victim. He puts zero effort into your marriage, which is loveless.

You are not taking him to the cleaners by leaving, you have every right to half and to a future.

After he complained about £40 in Aldi, I'd have stopped shopping and when he asked where's dinner, say we can't afford it and let him starve.

starfishmummy Mon 16-May-16 18:42:46

I wouldnt take him to the cleaners

I would. Why should you be in debt while he has all of this money. You are supposed to be partners

Joysmum Mon 16-May-16 18:43:46

This sounds to me more like an AIBU to divorce thread.

Reading your OP I think your title isn't great.

You're about the same age as me, I'd be ok to be celibate in my marriage because it's equal, happy and filled with intimacy other than sex.

Would I remain in a loveless, sexless marriage full of...nothing? Nope!

Are you seeking validation that it's ok to leave him? I'm struggling to work out why you'd stay!

My 40's have been the decade I've come alive. Yours could be too flowers

0hCrepe Mon 16-May-16 18:46:51

If you feel guilty about enjoying life without him, just tell yourself that his actions show he doesn't care about you. Someone who loved you wouldn't treat you like that. Walk away guilt free and take some of his money for all the selfless time youve put in for him. Time to stand up for yourself.

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