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Post divorce -- anyone tried renting a studio/1-bed and then swapping with XP, each spending a week at a time in the family home?

(18 Posts)
stomachinknots Mon 16-May-16 14:35:12

I was just wondering how many people have tried this arrangement.

We have 2 kids and the cost of renting/buying a whole second house w. 3 bedrooms in our area is outside our price range. But what about the idea of trading weeks, with one partner in the family home with the kids and the other staying nearby in a small solo 'bachelor pad'? That way the kids aren't shuttling back and forth between two houses.

Seems like there are some potential pitfalls, but I was just curious if anyone had tried this setup, and how it worked out.

mamas12 Mon 16-May-16 14:43:17

Sounds a really bad idea
No boundaries or escape from each other
I don't know the reasons you are separating but I presume it's because you've decided you don't want to live together any more and this plan sounds like the worst of both worlds
Double each other's mess, double no privacy double annoying things at two locations
Can you sell this house Nd both buy smaller properties
Please and think of another way

eyebrowsonfleek Mon 16-May-16 15:03:27

Sounds like a recipe for disaster as no new partner would accept never being able to move in together.

Small things would become big annoyances. Eg Imagine coming home to dirty dishes from the night when the other parent was in charge.

Privacy - Financial transparency would be necessary so that you could negotiate how to fund repairs or home improvements. Do you want your ex to know about bonus' or pay rises?
How would you feel if ex opened your mail at either house?

Somerville Mon 16-May-16 15:15:05

One of my NDN's does this. I know the wife quite well, and she says it works well for them. I don't know any of the financial details of the arrangement, of course, but she did say that they agreed to trial it for 6 months, which was the shortest rental period they could get for the smaller place. Then that went well, so they committed to two years.
She also said they have a no boyfriends/girlfriends back rule back for each place, and that whoever vacates strips the bed (at the studio) themselves. They had a spare bedroom at their family house, so have a room each.

threewords3 Mon 16-May-16 15:38:51

We did this for a while. exH rented a small studio which I stayed in when H came back to the 'family home' when he had DS.

It was great for DS as it made the transition from 2 parent family to divorced parents very gentle and stress free. But I didn't like it. I know that exH was going through my things trying to find out details of my life, and it was frustrating not being able to do things at home on the days when I didn't have DS. Luckily exH quickly moved in with his girlfriend so they could afford something bigger which meant DS could stay with exH.
If you can do then hats off to you, but 8 months of doing it was more than long enough for me.

Blu3sho3s Mon 16-May-16 21:44:51

In theory this may sound ike a good idea

However , it is not a clean separation, your lives would still be intermingled almost like not being separated
Your living space would not be your own

Post divorce why would you ever want to live like this ?

How would your new life ever move onwards in a positive way ?

Mislou Tue 17-May-16 07:47:36

I hope someone comes along with a positive story soon . In some areas living like this might be the only way to be able to split. I know if we sold our 3 bed home, we couldnt afford two 2bed homes as they cost almost as much.

springydaffs Thu 19-May-16 17:52:42

I think this is a brilliant idea - for the right couple.

the ideal, of course, would be two bedsits, I suppose.

If a couple could make this work, surely it would be ideal for the kids who don't have to schlep between two homes. My kids found that very destabilising.

Though there was no way on God's green earth ex and I could have made your idea work confused

StableButDeluded Thu 19-May-16 17:56:00

God, no.
I guess it might work for someone... Somewhere?
It would never have worked for ex-H and I.

grobagsforever Thu 19-May-16 18:11:22

It's a known phenomenon - called Bird nesting btw

Pisssssedofff Thu 19-May-16 19:14:37

My ex stayed at my house over Christmas with the kids whilst I was away. Went through every drawer. Photographed my fridge and it's contents and opened a packet of contraception. It was just fucking weird.

iPost Thu 19-May-16 19:28:40

I read about this a few years ago. I think was called the nesting, or the bird's nest approach.

At the time it was being put forward as a way of limiting the constant shifting about for the kids that was being blamed for less happy outcomes and feelings due to shared custody.

In the sense that the kids still got the benefits of 50/50 custody, but no longer felt the downsides of constantly being on the move between two homes. The parents did all the shifting about instead and the kids got to be the ones who had a permanent home.

At the time it was demonstrated (or assumed... can't remember which) to be better than typical shared custody set ups, becuase it improved (.or was assumed to improve) outcomes for the children. But I'm not sure it ever really took off in a big way, cos I haven't heard much about it in the mainstream media for yonks.

Mtcd9 Thu 19-May-16 19:39:59

I guess it could work if neither of you are bothered about new relationships.

thequeenoftarts Thu 19-May-16 21:53:25

I think it might work as long as you had separate lockable rooms for privacy .

pavlova71 Fri 20-May-16 07:46:23

Depends on circumstances of split.
You would have to be on very good terms, but I think it is possible, certainly in the short- medium term.
Apparently, it is a bit grey as to whether you are 'separated' in the eyes of a judge, so if you want actually want to divorce you would need to cite other reasons than living with this arrangement for 2 years.
I think it is gentler for the children. More hassle for the adults of course and you'd need really clear boundaries.
The money you 'save' you could use to get a regular cleaner so you aren't living in the other's mess.
I'm seriously considering this myself...

annandale Fri 20-May-16 07:54:09

I can see it working for couples who split because the emotion has gone. It does assume there is some kind of functioning relationship there though.

I have always thought this would be better for the kids I have to say.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 20-May-16 08:12:36

I like the principle. Sounds like your trying to be a fair as possible and both be as active as possible in raising the kids. I am not in the same situation but I do sometimes let my ex wife come down and stay with the kids in my house. She lives 100 miles away and can't accommodate the kids at her place. I often leave the house and stay with freinds or a weekend away. It's does raise issues of making a clean break. It all depends how you are with each other and your attitude on life. Personally I don't see it as a long term solution. For example what if either of you want serious partners? I can see it causing friction. I would say nice principles behind it but a bad idea long term in the real world.

MaybeDoctor Fri 20-May-16 14:29:26

I would certainly consider this. I think it will become more popular with rising property prices too.

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