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I think he's patronising but he says he's "trying to help". How to deal?

(36 Posts)
VIX1307 Mon 16-May-16 14:22:11

I've recently been made redundant and have been looking for a job for a month or so which in itself is stressful enough. I've had 2 successful interviews this week with 2nd interviews booked in for next week and have signed up with various recruitment agencies, so feel I am doing ok.
However, I'm constantly finding myself getting annoyed with my boyfriend giving his opinions and advice on the matter. He asked me this morning how my job search was going and I told him that I was going to town to sign up to a recruitment agency tomorrow with interest for a potential job. His response to this was why haven't I already signed up with this agency?? I told him I've signed up to about 15 agencies and can't join every single one and then he went on to say how he would have and I need to really knuckle down with my job search and giving me tips on what he would do to find a job. "You should be calling companies not wait for them to advertise a role" "Last week you spent 2 hours doing some market research instead of searching for a job, you need to be concentrating on this first and foremost. You really ought to be taking this more seriously".
I seriously feel like a child when he talks to me like this, rather than a capable 30 year old woman.
He says he's trying to help me but it just feels really patronising.
How should I deal with this?

ChristianGreysAnatomy Mon 16-May-16 14:23:22

Tell him to fuck off?
<helpful>

Kr1stina Mon 16-May-16 14:26:38

How is he normally ? Bossy? Domineering?

What happens when you disagree with him?

VIX1307 Mon 16-May-16 14:32:01

Well I told him that the way he talks to me makes it sound like I'm incapable of doing anything myself and he said not at all I just want you to have the best chance at finding a job which is why you should be doing xyz. If I disagree he just gets defensive and says ok fine let's just leave it now!

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 16-May-16 14:33:35

Well he sounds nice.. Not. Any redeeming features?!

pocketsaviour Mon 16-May-16 14:36:28

You could always show him this It's not about the nail grin

Being out of work is very stressful - I've been there and it's fucking horrible. Having someone on your case is very irritating. If he's normally supportive and caring, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's trying to be helpful by finding solutions instead of just giving you moral support.

However it does give you a flavour of what his approach is like, so if you think his attitude would be similar to any problematic situation, you might want to rethink if this relationship has a long term future.

4kinmental Mon 16-May-16 14:36:42

I'd tell him to butt out if it were me.
My husband sometimes talks to me in the same way and I hate having to justify stuff to him. Tell him you're doing it your way.

Kenduskeag Mon 16-May-16 14:54:08

I am agog. No one has ever spoken to me this way. Genuinely. I would cut 'em off like a split end, but for real... I've never heard anything close. "Good luck at the interview" is about all the involvement boyfriends have had in my career.

This is another one of those posts that makes me feel like I and the men I've known inhabit a different world. ""You should be calling companies... you need to be concentrating... You really ought to be taking this more seriously".

What a fuckwit. Utterly none of his business and he's basically pissing up your leg and marking his territory, making you believe he has the right to tell you what to do. It starts now, and in five years he'll be telling you how to wear your hair and asking why on earth you need to see your friends when you have him. Because he knows best what you should be concentrating on.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 16-May-16 15:04:43

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly and are being extremely proactive!

Your bf sounds like a dickhead. Controlling, patronising - who told him he was the adult in your relationship? He's behaving like he's in charge and is completely entitled to be in charge.

Ugh. Not good at all.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 16-May-16 15:11:09

I'd tell him I'm not discussing anything to do with jobs ever again with him.
Then kick his ass out.

I was made redundant and it really does knock your confidence and it's a horrible situation to be in.
If you got a decent payout and don't need to rush, just don't. Wait for the right thing.
I took a temp job and they took me on permanently but 3 years on I'm still not on the salary I was previously. I wish I'd waited for the right thing rather than panic and take the first thing!

VIX1307 Mon 16-May-16 15:14:06

Yes, he's 4 years older than me and on a considerably higher wage so think he just has a bit of a "I know best" attitude. He is very ambitious and a "go getter". We've had situations like this before where he's told me I should be asking for x amount of money for a payrise. If I feel uncomfortable doing this he gets frustrated and says I need to face my fears and the worst they can say is no so what is the problem? Even if I say no he will keep brining it up "have you asked your boss for that payrise?" "Please just do it for yourself, you will feel so proud afterward" FUCK OFF!!

VIX1307 Mon 16-May-16 15:17:39

Yes I got my payout which I was happy with considering I had been with the company less than a year- but even then he told me to challenge the company as I "could get at least double that" "They just rely on you not speaking up" etc etc and then gave me all these numbers to call regarding claiming against unfair dismissal. I just feel like I need to be left alone to do things how I want, not him!

hellsbellsmelons Mon 16-May-16 15:22:52

Is he a 'know it all' about other things too?
Because if they made your redundant within a year they legally only owe you 1 months wages as a payout.

VIX1307 Mon 16-May-16 15:28:12

Yes which is what I got. Though he said because they just called me in with no prior warning or discussion I should fight it and try and get more money. It's just not my personality to do that and I told him i would rather just put my efforts into finding a new job and not leave the last company on a bad note and going through all these claims for more cash.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 16-May-16 15:31:36

You've dealt with it in your own way and you have every right to do that.

The problem is him.

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-May-16 17:11:43

He's Misstra knooooow it all....

Just tell him he is patronising and its unpleasant, you are a grown woman and whilst you appreciate advice, you are not him. Hence what he would do and what you would do are different things - and he does not always have to be right. Then ignore anything else he has to say on the subject.

Aren't you bored of him yet? Pretty crass of him to act as if you and your job are all that should define you, and you are wrong for not doing things his way. Id have screened him out ages ago

MusicIsMedicine Mon 16-May-16 17:31:44

Tell him that your career is none of his concern.

AnnieOnnieMouse Mon 16-May-16 17:48:43

Give him a hook. Then tell him to sling it. Self important bossy git.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 16-May-16 20:59:01

Every time he starts one of his 'I know best' speeches, just say 'yes, Dad', and nothing else. Repeat if he carries on. It's at least as annoying as being patronised.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 17-May-16 01:01:07

I can see how this is deeply annoying but one thing confuses me.

If I disagree he just gets defensive and says ok fine let's just leave it now!

You wrote it as if that is a bad thing? Surely him backing off is exactly the right thing? How do you respond?

I'd say something like "Yes, definitely not worth discussing further, I understand your opinion, thanks for sharing. I'll keep all opinions in mind when I decide what I want to do. Cup of tea?"

Why does he get to decide when the conversation ends anyway? I'd end it much sooner with "I get what you are saying. I'll keep it in mind when I make my choice. Now, what's for tea?"

I work with frequent mansplainers in my industry. This is my exact tactic. Eventually the offender works out that your tiny little lady brain is operational and does not repeat the offence (or he decides you are so stupid you don't understand his manly rightness in all things and is exasperated with you while feeling a little sad for you in your silly girl wrongness). Either result works for me so long as I don't have to listen to it.

I despise being mansplained and have an excellent "thanks for your opinion, I'll take it into consideration, now shut up" face.

This is helped by the fact that I genuinely do like getting lots of opinions before making my own choice.

VIX1307 Tue 17-May-16 10:38:37

I really like that advice runrabbit will give it a go! Just shut down the conversation before it starts.
It annoys me when he says things like that as it's usually when he's said his piece and then when I go to say mine it's like he doesn't want to hear it and gives the "ok fine whatever" type speech in an impatient tone. When he does that I usually get frustrated at why he will go off on a rant about how he thinks I should be running my life and as soon as it's my turn to talk (disagree with him) I get shut down as if my opinions aren't worth listening to.

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 17-May-16 10:52:39

So he makes you feel like your opinions aren't worth listening to? Why are you with this person?

VIX1307 Tue 17-May-16 11:00:29

I don't know if this is the case or if he's just trying to avoid a row, but either way annoying if I cant get my point across after he does his little speech.

PoundingTheStreets Tue 17-May-16 11:30:24

Run away now.

aginghippy Tue 17-May-16 11:30:31

I get shut down as if my opinions aren't worth listening to. Doesn't sound great tbh.

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