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Is this a 'pick me dance'?

(187 Posts)
HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:28:13

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

RealityCheque Sun 15-May-16 23:32:01

Is what a 'pick me dance'?

HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:38:23

Is he trying to get me to do a 'pick me dance' by implying he might / could cheat when that implication was the reason we split up last summer?

You know what, I think I've answered my own question by writing all this out.
He's playing mind games and I'm not having it.

SandyY2K Sun 15-May-16 23:39:26

So you got back with him and he sees this other girl as well?
Did he get with he when you split up?

I think this relationship will only bring you a load of stress and heartache. He's trying to make you jealous. Not necessarily the pic me dance.

If you BF thinks t's okay to go out for a drink with a girl who fancies him, then you two aren't thinking the same.

Where do you think this relationship is headed?
Have you defined if you are dating exclusively or if you are fully BF and GF?
Hw long were you together before the split?

HolgerDanske Sun 15-May-16 23:40:05

You're exactly right. You can't be having that.

SelfLoathing Sun 15-May-16 23:40:10

No you are not over-reacting.

If he is properly trying to win you back, he wouldnt be seeing her let alone telling you about it.

The fact he has told you about it = nasty emotionally manipulative fucker.

Really, walk away is the best advice. If you can't/won't bring yourself to do that, then your response was not bad. You need to avoid getting drawn into a competition/pick me dance so will have to work v. hard at appearing ice cold if he mentions her and not reacting. What's the point though?

He sounds like a **.

VioletSunshine Sun 15-May-16 23:43:29

I think I've answered my own question by writing all this out
Yeah, you have. Don't look back, you dodged a bullet there.

HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:43:47

the way he said it showed he wanted a response - for me to be jealous. I don't care about him having female friends and I'm not a very jealous person.
What hurts is that the way he said it showed that he wanted to make me feel shit and insecure.
I just don't see why I should put up with that.
During our relationship before he did it a lot - comparing my body to ex girlfriends of his for example. He has issues. I should never have gone back.

HoppingForward Sun 15-May-16 23:47:44

Yes it sounds like the pick me dance apart from the fact that you are posting so have already realised what he is doing...

HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:48:20

FWIW I don't think he got with the girl when we split.
I thought we were dating exclusively because he begged and begged for me to give him another chance.
I think as soon as he's felt secure that I'm back he's into his old tricks - mind games, needling, trying to make me jealous.
Idiot. I wish I hadn't wasted any time on him.
I will ignore him I think. Unless he initiates an apology I don't see any reason why I should initiate any explanation for my silence. What a douche bag.

SelfLoathing Sun 15-May-16 23:48:21

comparing my body to ex girlfriends of his for example

I'm sorry. He what?

Unless this was "you are 2 million % hotter than her" (which I'm doubting) why the hell would you stay with him?

Out the door with a "by the way, shame you are shorter/balder/earn less money/have a smaller cock than my ex." God. He sounds an absolute treat.

HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:54:44

Thanks for all the good advice. Just wanted my instincts confirmed really. It's so disappointing. We were together before for about 2 years and some of it was amazing. He could be so incredibly loving and charming. But also he has a bullying side. His Dad was very EA to him by the sounds of it and I fell into the trap of feeling like I could make him feel happier about everything. But he is too damaged and this latest episode just reminds me of all the crappy things he did when we were together the first time.
Anyway thanks all.
Tomorrow is another day..... X

SandyY2K Sun 15-May-16 23:56:52


End it and don't look behind. He' a fool.

Good luck.

HoursOfFun Sun 15-May-16 23:58:42

Yes Selfloathing - I know. He has always told me I'm hot & beautiful etc but he'd also chuck in gems like:
'X had amazing huge breasts, yours are smaller' (he has a thing for big breasts).
So I did reply a couple of times with
'How would you like it if I compared your lovely but average cock to my ex's HUGE one?' He always treated that like a big joke and didn't get why I'd be upset by his original comments. Moron.

AnyFucker Mon 16-May-16 00:01:36

I don't know about "pick me" but it is certainly a massive piss take

Don't stick around for more

...His Dad was very EA to him by the sounds of it...

The reply for this, in the technical parlance of armchair psychiatrists, is "tough fucking noogies".

Well done dodging that bullet, Wise Woman! smile

HeddaGarbled Mon 16-May-16 00:06:22

You are as right as right can be. He has tried to make you do the pick me dance but you are walking off that dance floor grin

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 16-May-16 00:15:57

That is SO disappointing for you. To have recovered from the painful split, been wooed mercilessly and then dropped right back in the same place from a great height...

Is there anything about him that could learn from this do you think? Or is he just pretty selfish? If you do think he could learn, I would tell him exactly how stupid and hurtful this behaviour is, and what a good thing he has now lost forever. Whatever though, do move on, you've got over it before, you can do it again. flowers

HoursOfFun Mon 16-May-16 00:19:02

Ha ha ha!! Yep. He needs a Counsellor not me as an emotional punchbag. I should have learnt first time round. I just have to be strong not to text him when I'm bored at work tomorrow. Cold turkey is the only way.

HoursOfFun Mon 16-May-16 00:19:35

Sorry above was to Preemptive

HoursOfFun Mon 16-May-16 00:26:06

Well Bananas I kept thinking that first time round but now I have my doubts. We'd had the most amazing afternoon before he dropped the bomb on Fri during which he'd been loving, affectionate and talking about lots of future plans. Then he just ruins it all. But that, I'm afraid is the complete pattern of the relationship. I used to try and reason and talk things through. Now I just don't feel I want to invest any more time or energy. It's sad because we sometimes have an amazing laugh together and there is huge chemistry between us. But fuck it, I'm not going to be treated like a fool.

Aussiebean Mon 16-May-16 05:12:14

He really wanted you to do the pick me dance.

But you are better then that clearly.

2 and a half years is a pain to waste but you learned such a great and valuable lesson that give it a little more time, and the chance to see through the next idiot after a couple of meetings, and you will see it's well worth it.

It will also be worth it when you meet the guy who does not pull this crap.

MagicMoonstone Mon 16-May-16 08:46:12

What an absolute knobjockey!!

Think you've had a lucky escape there.

VocationalGoat Mon 16-May-16 08:51:46

I admire your strength and honesty OP. You see it for what it is and you're right. I'd continue not answering texts and just ghost him.
Dodge the bullet.

lottieandmia2 Mon 16-May-16 09:01:59

He's desperately insecure and he knows you're better than he is. So he's chip, chip, chipping away at your self esteem. What a tw*t.

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