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In law issues 😢(13 Posts)
I'm sure this is a well discussed question already but here goes....
Having issues with MIL and SIL.
The last 4/5 times I have seen my MIL, she has been making comments to show she wants to see her Grandchild more... such as 'I never see her; she doesn't recognise my face; we need time to bond." She also said to a family member in my presece that I don't let her see her Grandchild but that if she doesn't see GD at least once a week ,that she will ensure that she sees her twice the following week to compensate.
MIL expects us to go for a family dinner every 2 weeks.If we don't go or if he is asked when I am there and says 'ill let you know' she questions why he has to think about going which makes me reluctant to go.
MIL wakes up sleeping baby to get hugs which can cause problems for us.
Both SIL and MIL refer to our DD as 'My baby' which I find a bit odd and DH did say in a joking tone that it was weird but they still do it.
SIL lives a 10 min (1min drive) walk away and goes through spells of dropping in every single day unannounced. On one occasion even x3 times in onr day. Often says her own DD wants to see the baby 'my DD wants to see her' at front door which is difficult to say no to.
Really could do with some help at how to deal with the situation. Want to let MIL,FIL and SIL see our DD and bond with her but the comments i get from MIL make me not want to visit. DH has addressed certain things with MIL but his reluctance to stand up for us is starting to affect our relationship. This is the only thing we row about. I'm a non confrontational person and want DH to set boundaries but he is a people pleaser and is (understandably) reluctant to cause friction. Is MIL seeing baby (roughly) once every 2 weeks unfair?? I see my own mother and father the same and expect the same boundaries from them - texting before visits.
Do you have any advice? Thanking you. Stressed and emotional mother of one. Xx
When sil arrives at the door making demands, tell her DC is asleep and that it's a shame, she should have text first to arrange a good time. Then close the door. Tell mil and SIL you're trying to get DC into a routine which they, quite frankly, are upsetting. If you've just put DC down for a nap, they don't get to pick him/her up for ruddy cuddles, that's so rude!
Meanwhile, DH needs to man the fuck up and set some firm boundaries. SIL pitching up 3 times in one day is obsessive and weird, as well as extremely disruptive. Just don't answer the door.
Don't answer the door to SIL. Even if you have to close the living room door and turn tv down or go upstairs and gently say out the window baby is asleep we will see you another day...
When they mention about baby being their baby laugh and reply how strange a comment that is! Find your back bone with them you have nothing to lose.
I would say you have a DH issue as he doesn't seem to come across as supportive for you so you'll need to stand up for yourself and your little one.
Once you do it once it gets easier to put them in their place trust me
it's a really difficult one but only your dh can really help here I think. it is very cheeky of her to blame the child wanting to see your baby and calling everyday and more than that is intrusive nosey and not on unless you are close.
I saw mil every week or two then when on mat leave she rang for more visits I did for a while then totally pulled back, so it's only every three weeks - dh brings them in between once a week, could yours do that?
Oh dear. The "my baby" thing is a classic script of narcissists. A read of Toxic In-Laws may help you. Your DH sounds like he is still following his childhood script of keeping his M happy at all costs.
Often says her own DD wants to see the baby 'my DD wants to see her' at front door which is difficult to say no to.
Actually learning how to handle disappointment could be a valuable life skill for SILs DD.
Just say no.
I think I would say loudly, I'm pretty sure she came out of my vagina. If they're pearl clutchers they'll never ever do it again.
If they go to wake her up you day no, I'm her mother, I decide.
Do you think if you gave MIL a regular thing to do with the baby that would satisfy her? Like a music class once a week or something. Or would she push for something more?
You don't say how old your baby is, but I assume quite young? It sounds like your mil is very selfish. A young baby does not need to "bond" with grandma, it needs to be with mum/dad and to have a predictable routine. Your mil is not helping your baby. Why not just book a baby swimming class or something on the day you normally go to mil? I think once a week is very frequent to visit, but really the issue is the way she is handling this, if she made you feel welcome you would want to go but it sounds like she is negative/manipulative towards you. Yes your DH needs to man up and talk to his mum seriously.
Your DH might be a people pleaser but that doesn't mean you have to be.
Accept that proper boundaries will piss them off. Accept that you will have to erect the boundaries (not DH who has never learned how to do boundaries with them). Accept that they will moan and bitch about what a cow you are to anyone who will listen. Accept that when you enforce a boundary they will heap emotional pressure on DH. Accept that his instinctive reaction will be to convince you to cave and anything else will be emotionally exhausting for him.
Then put up the boundaries anyway. Your sanity matters. Your self respect matters. Sod their nonsense.
Look, you really dont have much to lose. Doubt very much your inlaws like you. Stand up for yourself. In the beginning it may seem that things are getting worse, but its just your inlaws showing their true colours. As for that husband of yours. Dont get that chicken involved in anything. Do it yourself without a word to him.
Thanks for all the advice. Relieved to hear that others agree they are imposing and I'm not being unreasonable. Definitely going to do something about it as it is only going to get worse. DH has agreed that it is getting a bit much. Especially after the x3 visits in one day incident with SIL. He made a comment to her the other day when she said her daughter wanted to see her at door (baby steps but progress at least) . I'll keep you posted if things improve or if things get worse, I may be asking about nice neighbourhoods to move to 😂 x
Hope all goes well for you Trying, you are right to think that this will get worse unless you take a stand against them.
So stay strong and firm for how you want run your own and your child's life.
A few days away, perhaps with your own Mum & Dad, without giving the MIL any advanced notice would be a good start, also don't be available for them, once dinner with them every two weeks becomes set in stone it will be much harder to ever change it.
Be ready for MIL demanding that the baby stays with her overnight, as she is sure to do, just refuse, you don't need an excuse or explanation, this is your baby not MIL's.
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