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just informed STBXH of divorce

(55 Posts)
MrsDeathOfRats Sun 15-May-16 22:06:34

I posted this on another thread I have but it's quite long and I'm all over the place right now

Ok, so I just handed him a letter stating I am going to divorce him. He was a bit shell shocked. And said
'I can't believe your doing this. Over a trip to France! I was gonna talk to you today and ask you and the kids to come with me'

Now I'm not stupid and I don't believe that for a second. He did a lot of telling me how I'm bullying him and I'm getting what I want etc.

He then started saying how he would happily sign it as long as it's honest (the petition that is) and by honest he means if I cite constant arguments, then that's not correct it must read constant arguments started by MrsDeathOfRats.
If I cite
Refusal to seek help with anger issues
That is incorrect and it must read refusal to seek help with anger issues as perceived by MrsDeathOfRats but not by Mr
Etc etc

Essentially he says he is faultless and blameless in this relationship and he will not sign anything to the effect saying he is otherwise.

He also interrogated me about cheating on him. Because that is the only possible reason I could want to leave him.  and when I repeatedly said no (which is true. I never have) he just kept asking and assuring me that he would prefer me to be honest even if it hurts him. And then called me a coward for not admitting to it.

He then started telling me how he will pay the maintenance etc as he isn't going to let his kids eat of bins like animals  (he is a tad melodramatic) but he wants to warn me that if he goes to Algeria - which is likely as now he will need to get away from England because of this - then he won't be able to pay.
And life is tough enough so if he meets a new woman and has another family then e won't be able to afford it all....

In some ways I'm so crushed that he jumped to this so so fast. But I think this is a blessing in disguise... I already know he is going to abandon his kids. I can prepare for it cos it's coming. what a cunt though

Gide Sun 15-May-16 22:50:28

Is he Algerian? I should think it would be hard to pursue maintenance if he goes back there. Is he feeling hurt because you think he's to blame? Don't want to sound stereotypical, but the Algerian culture still strikes me as very demeaning to the woman, so maybe he is refusing to accept blame.

As a totally unrelated aside, why are there so many Terry Pratchett related usernames on here? Just started re-reading Equal Rites tonight.

MrsDeathOfRats Sun 15-May-16 22:57:08

Because Pratchett is (was sad) AMAZING. His stories have enriched my life. His sense of humour is so funny and clever!!

He is Algerian, he is a wanker. His view of women is lower then him.

Brenna24 Sun 15-May-16 22:59:02

I think that conversation would be a great example of unreasonable behaviour right there. There needs to be a bin icon you can text him if he misses a payment.

That is quite a huge leap in one conversation. Wishing you much luck in getting rid of him and hoping that he does actually pay maintenance.

PurpleDaisies Sun 15-May-16 23:00:38

Have you just split up? He could be lashing out to try and hurt you-just ignore him. Do you have plenty of support around you for if you end up without anything from him? It sounds like a nightmare and you've done the right thing in leaving.

blinkersoff66 Sun 15-May-16 23:04:47

So he doesn't agree with the reasons you cite for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour? So what? He can contest the divorce but it will cost him so think he will just state that he agrees to divorce, but he disputes reasons for. won't make any difference to the courts decision.
As for no contact with DCs or CM, don't feel bad. He is the one prepared to abandon his DCs and try to lay all the blame for that on you. Don't fall for it. He can still pay CM no matter where he lives and , if he is selfish enough to move away from his DCs and have no contact, then he is the one who has to live with that on their consciounce, not you.

MrsDeathOfRats Sun 15-May-16 23:41:20

I can't afford to go through the court system and he knows it.

I need to research if I wrote up a very reasonable divorce petition and he rejected it and I was forced to go into debt by going to court if a judge would award him the costs?
And then is there any way of forcing him to pay it? Cos he could just leave he country. Run back to Algeria and then there's nothing anyone can do to make him pay.

It's either that or wait 5 years and do it without his agreement

PurpleDaisies Sun 15-May-16 23:42:18

How long have you been separated from this guy? He sounds like a nightmare.

PurpleDaisies Sun 15-May-16 23:43:00

Sorry I appear to have asked the same question twice. Must go to bed. blush

MrsDeathOfRats Sun 15-May-16 23:54:36

Well, tbf, I didn't answer your question! Rude of me.

We have been on the brink for a while and I saw a lawyer back in Jan for advice etc. But realistically... A week. Although he clearly didn't believe me. He clearly thought it would blow over again. Which is fair to assume as it has always just fizzled out and before I realise what's happening life is normal again.
So yes he may be lashing out. He might just be trying to knock my obvious confidence. Trying to scare me into relenting.

But it's back firing as why on earth would I take back a man who threatens to abandon his kids if I don't stay married to him?

SandyY2K Mon 16-May-16 00:02:39

Please make sure he doesn't take the kids and back to Algeria Those Arab countries see the kids as belonging to the man and you won't get them back. never let them go there with him, as you may never see them again.

Can you cite irretrievable breakdown in the petition? that sums it all up.
I don't know your back story and was posting my response based on this post alone.

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 16-May-16 00:11:01

Still have give example of the breakdown and he won't agree to anything that implies any fault on his side.
We never agreed on anything during our relationship so this isn't really a surprise.

I have already hidden their passports birth certs etc away at my mums and my own although I don't think he is likely to abduct me

JassyRadlett Mon 16-May-16 00:23:20

Rats, what a great step. And yes what a total bastard he is.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 16-May-16 00:33:18

Well, honestly, other than the issue of money I'd say let him fuck right off to Algeria! That'd solve a good part of your problems with him, wouldn't it? He'd be gone and you'd have some peace and be free to get on with your life.

I'm saying this from the point of always having been financially independent of my DH and being completely ignorant of the mechanics of getting a divorce in the UK when someone has left the country (desertion? abandonment?). I'm not meaning to sound trite or uncaring.

cheeseismydownfall Mon 16-May-16 00:46:34

I'm afraid I can't help on the technicalities of the divorce, but please make sure you have the children's passports and birth certificates safe and secure somewhere we he cannot possibly get to them (at a friend's house, in a lock box somewhere, anywhere safe). It doesn't sound like he is thinking about taking them at the moment, but if it turns nasty he could potentially take them to spite you. As a PP says once they are in Algeria it may be very difficult to get them back.

cheeseismydownfall Mon 16-May-16 00:47:24

Cross posted! Glad you already have that sorted.

donners312 Mon 16-May-16 13:22:25

I don't know if this is helpful and i am not trying to scare you but my situation is very similar to you.

I am in process of divorcing my X. He is British and lives in the Middle East.

My STBXH would not sign the petition until all blame had been taken from him and put onto me. Just do it as you can't proceed till they sign that and it has no baring on anything I know its galling but not worth a fight.

Several months on I would advise (I am not a lawyer this is only my experience) you just get a divorce finalized even if you agree to sign for nothing to get it done. because the alternative is you could spend ALOT of money on solicitors fee's trying to get maintenance or a settlement but it will be entirely unenforceable so you are just wasting your money.

It is so wrong but that is how it is.

My STBXH left us homeless (and we had quite a lot of money) and me and the children without a penny and does not pay maintenance I have spent tens of thousands now trying to get money from him but have to give up now really so don't make my mistake!!

You will be fine like I say not trying to scare you luckily in this country there are tax credits and part time jobs etc plus you will find out who your friends are.

It's so wrong but honestly just get the divorce done asap whilst he is here in this country!!

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 16-May-16 14:17:13

I had wondered about that aspect donners, thanks for your post.

There is nothing financial to sort out.
I rent a council flat, I'm the only named tenant. So he will have to leave.
And we have no money.

And he has already preempted the whole going abroad and not being able to pay thing. Which is fine. In some ways he if buggers off out of all our lives then I'll cope and we will all be happier he is going to be a nightmare with contact and maintenance so this could be a blessing. For me.

For th DC though, I just can't imagine what effect it will have knowing that their daddy left and has no interest in them sad

donners312 Mon 16-May-16 14:27:30

well if it is any consolation mine are happier. My children lived with me and their dad until last year he was an OK Dad. More interested in himself but not abusive.

We moved back to the UK and we were supposed to be moving into a lovely house etc etc.

Basically he just dumped the 3 of us. My children have nothing now and we had money before but they don't care. You will be amazed that your children are happier when you are. Everyone said that to me but i didn't believe it.

My kids are happy enough to speak to him but he really doesn't bother his arse (loads of unbelievable stories but too long) and they don't seem to care less. Everyone comments they are happier and their life has been turned upside down but they are still fine and yours will be too!!

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 16-May-16 19:37:51

He's creating issues over money now. Saying he doesn't see why he should keep giving me money to support me as I'm kicking him out.

I can't claim anything til he moves out can I?
God only knows how long that will take

redexpat Mon 16-May-16 19:50:00

Wait, are you the poster who was waiting for your children's passports to come back from the home office? In January?

Dangerouswoman Mon 16-May-16 19:54:10

Your op sounded so familiar to me. My ex threatened to contest the divorce, move abroad and start a new life. He hasn't done any of it in five years although he has avoided paying child maintenance except for a pittance through his benefits.

I do think looking back it would have been easier if he had moved away and had no contact with us as he was awkward then and is awkward now.

He might calm down (my ex didn't) or you might have to be prepared for battle. It's hard and I don't know what to advise but as you don't have much in assets it might be less complicated than it could have been. Let him carry out his threats and look foolish and see how far he gets.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 16-May-16 21:08:25

I don't know a thing about benefits since I'm in the US, but some people have suggested speaking to the CAB and that there's a website (entitledto ?) that you can use to determine what benefits you're entitled to. It seems to me that I remember someone saying something about claiming benefits after you 'separate', even if you're living in the same home? I'm sure someone will be able to give you better information.

Many solicitors give 1/2 free initial consultation. Try to find one and ask them about finances and divorce when the spouse leaves the UK.

Do you have access to the bank accounts? If so, you may want to consider opening an account in your sole name and transferring money into it. Something tells me that once it's really sunk it with him, that he'll either be off like a shot or will refuse to contribute to the household.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 16-May-16 21:09:32

*will be off like a shot after draining any joint accounts

wannabestressfree Mon 16-May-16 21:18:00

You can claim providing your separate under one roof if that makes sense!

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