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if your H leaves at 5.30am for work what time would he go to bed?

(118 Posts)
DailyMailEthicalFail Sun 15-May-16 20:39:18

sorry if its a bit of a daft thread title but I am so fed up.

H works M-F. Bus driver.
It's a 7 day job, hours range from 4am start to 2am finish, shift work.
He claims 'unsocial hours' (in fact, 9-5 hrs, M-F) due to ds being ill as a baby.
He gets up at 5 and leaves at 5.30am. Avoids rush hour. Finishes at 3. Home at 4.
Every weekend off.

Because he is tired, he regularly goes to bed at 8pm to get 9 hours sleep.
Tonight he announced his bath at 7pm. Leaving me to clean down kitchen and process 2 kids through Sunday evening bath routine, uniform roundup, bag check - the usual nonsense of a Sunday night. Plus bed and story time.
Walk dog (I know, get rid of dog would make sense but kids love her).

Ds (the 'poorly baby') is nearly 12. He has some SEN and can be hard to get into bed. Often up again until 12midnight. Dd is 8 and also hard to get settled.

I have a mobility difficulty and evenings are very hard for me. Lots of stairs and kids to round up is like herding sheep sometimes. I am lucky to sit down before 10pm and lucky not to be interrupted at least once before midnight. Sometimes I sit and cry with the pain in my feet, despite the meds.

H is currently upstairs watching TV (in bed).
I have asked him to change his hours to something more 'family friendly' (which is what he is claiming they are for, after all).
He says: 'yeah, yeah' but he NEVER does.

Is this reasonable, do you think?

sorry for essay ramble but I'm just so fed up tonight.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem Sun 15-May-16 20:40:38

Yes my DH does yet he usually goes to bed after I do (So after 10pm). Fuck knows how he manages on so little sleep!

ClashCityRocker Sun 15-May-16 20:45:19

When I had to leave at 5.30, I'd probably go up about 9.30 with a view to being asleep by 10.

ClashCityRocker Sun 15-May-16 20:47:43

Although having said that, if I was doing it for more than three days, by the time the fourth day came I'd be falling asleep by 9...even though seven hours of sleep is usual for me it feels like less when you're up early.

However, that's by the by; his hours are clearly not working for your family anymore, or he's using it as an excuse to cop out from family life,

Autumnchill Sun 15-May-16 20:48:12

I'm up at 5.45am and go to bed anywhere between 9.30 and 10.30pm

Joysmum Sun 15-May-16 20:48:23

I'm not fussed on when DH goes to bed. I used to do shift work and I've always needed only 6 hours sleep to be fully refreshed.

You sound like you think your DH is lazy. Is he lazy or is he actually sleeping?

If he is actually then excessive sleep could be an indicator of medical issues. My DH needed a lot more sleep and it turned out he was later diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

gingerbreadmanm Sun 15-May-16 20:49:02

Just read that as my dp sprung to mind and i have no advice but really sympathise with you.

My dp does a 26 hour week starting at 9.00am - 9.30am 4 days a week and just after 7 the other. He is in bed most nights by 9.00pm. I dont have enough hours to do everything. I leave at 7.30am and return at 4.30pm and we dont even have kids yet.

allegretto Sun 15-May-16 20:49:07

Hang on - I thought he was asleep! If he's watching tv I would be very pissed off.

scribblegirl Sun 15-May-16 20:50:02

At the moment we're up at 5.45 and in bed for 10.30 - I would guess if we were up for 5, it would be a 9.45 bedtime.

hesterton Sun 15-May-16 20:50:27

I'm up around 5 and try to get to bed at around 10pm, to sleep before 11pm.

hooliodancer Sun 15-May-16 20:50:42

Sorry to say, if I had to get up at 5 I would do what he does so I could get enough sleep.

I can see you want his help, but 5am is very early to have to get up every day. Driving a bus must be a pretty stressful job I would imagine, not something you could do on not enough sleep.

Of course he should help with the chores though. Have you actually described to him how you are feeling? Could you bring everything forward a few hours so he could help and get enough sleep?

This sounds to me like you both need to start seeing things from the other person's point of view.

ItsaTenfromDen Sun 15-May-16 20:52:51

I'm up at 5am and leave at 5.45 probably four mornings a week. I go to bed between 10 and 11 depending on what I'm watching on tv. If I go at 10 I usually read for a while. I'm usually awake at 5 on the days that I don't have to be in early too, which is really frustrating

DailyMailEthicalFail Sun 15-May-16 20:54:30

No, he's not asleep - he's watching TV right now. Formula 1.
He chooses these hours on the pretext of helping his wife with poorly baby.
The baby is nearly 12 and I've asked him to change his hours to help with children but he wont as they suit him.
He also has his own room as 'I disturb him coming to bed'.
I've had 6 operations in last 18m and literally cant walk by 9pm.

BertPuttocks Sun 15-May-16 20:55:14

If he is able to change his hours then I think he should. It sounds as though he's happy with the current set-up because he gets to opt out of doing a fairer share of the parenting.

As he is a driver, he obviously needs to get a reasonable amount of sleep. I don't think that means he should get to 'switch off; at 7pm and then lie in bed watching television.

There is surely no reason why he can't do the uniform and bag checks and walk the dog before he goes to bed?

ClashCityRocker Sun 15-May-16 20:55:20

hoolio even after nine hours sleep?

PinkParsnips Sun 15-May-16 20:55:45

DH goes to bed at about 9.30 for a 6am start on an 11 hour shift (leaves house at 5) but no way would he leave me to do all that on my own while he sat in bed and watched TV!!

Why can't he help you with some of the chores such as dog walking, uniform, school bags before he goes to bed?

Sparklycat Sun 15-May-16 20:55:45

I get up at a 6.30 and go to bed at 9! Some people really do need more sleep than others.

BertPuttocks Sun 15-May-16 20:56:10

Cross-posted with your second post.

He sounds incredibly selfish.

DeathMetalMum Sun 15-May-16 20:56:16

Dp is up at 4.15 to leave the house at 5.15 to start at 6. He gets up as early so he can wake up properly before cycling to work. Usually goes up to bed at 9ish to be asleep by 10 at the latest.

I also agree it's by the by, I too think he is using it as an excuse, and would be having a very serious chat.

BeauGlacons Sun 15-May-16 20:57:07

It isn't reasonable because you have a child with sen and you aren't fully fit.

My DH has always worked silly hours (at work now). Often out of the house at 6.30 and not back until 9.30/10. I have always done the dc and the house pretty much single handed although mine are grown up now. But it was very very tough and probably couldn't have been sustained if I hadn't been fit and well. DH needs little sleep. Our bone of contention has usually been that je wants me to sit with him while he eats and has a glass of wine at ten when I want to be in bed.

ClashCityRocker Sun 15-May-16 20:57:53

So he chooses these hours?

It sounds like he's opting out of family life and that you need much more support from him in the evenings.

How is your relationship other than this?

NapQueen Sun 15-May-16 21:02:38

So on the nights where he isn't at work the following day - he is "on duty" then? Because that would make a whole lot of sense and give you two nights and following mornings off to rest up as much as possible.

I leave the house at 6.30am; often my previous shift finishes at 11 pm the night before. On those days I am home the night before at a reasonable hour I'm in bed for 9-9.30. However I do usually watch something in bed - helps me unwind.

NapQueen Sun 15-May-16 21:03:33

When he gets home at 4pm, what does he do between getting in and going to bed?

DailyMailEthicalFail Sun 15-May-16 21:03:38


Well, he has had his own bedroom for 8 years now... He keeps 'his' paperwork in there, his family photos, his TV - it's like a bedsit.

yes, he not only chooses the hours but has to re-apply for them on 'special provision' every 12m due to ds being 'poorly'. Only, his hours have sod all to do with ds and everything to do with missing the rush hour each way.

runnerselbow Sun 15-May-16 21:04:35

OP is he working 7 days a week? Or do his shifts just vary over the whole week?

I used to get up at 4.50 to leave the house at 5.30 and start work at 7am. I worked till 3 and was then back home by 5.30 ish. I generally went to bed about 10 -10.30pm but often wouldn't sleep until later (despite being tired). I settled into a routine of getting about 6 hrs sleep a night and catching up at the weekend. At the time I was single and had the evenings to spend as I wished. Don't know how useful/relevant it is on that basis but that was my experience.

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