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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If your DP called you by his exes name a couple of times? Sign that he hasn't moved on or just a slip of the tongue?

52 replies

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 15/05/2016 14:50

For about 6 months I've been dating someone and if it's already going south I'd rather leave now than continue having doubts and questioning mine/his behaviour.

He'll occasionally call me by his ex girlfriend's name and I really cannot stand this. It just screams that he still somewhere in his mind has her in his thoughts. Fine if he does but I don't want to be the rebound or the buffer whilst he sorts himself out.

It's not even a similar name like Nicola vs Nicole. If he can't call me by my actual name then what hope is there?

I think I've already made up my mind but I don't know if IABU because it's just a name. But it's my name. Everyone else in my life with whom I don't even share any sort of intimacy with can remember to call me by my right name yet my own partner can't

Sorry, rambling now and don't really know what my question is but would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:

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RiceCrispieTreats · 15/05/2016 14:54

How long were they together? It could just be habit.

I was with my ex H for 12 years, and absolutely have no romantic feelings for him anymore, but force of habit means I can still find myself saying his name when speaking to someone I feel close to and not really concentrating.

MouldyPeach · 15/05/2016 14:55

I have been with DP for 3 years, we have a child and are totally happy and committed. I still occasionally call him by my exH name and I am mortified every time. It is definitely definitely not that I am pining after exH it is just a stupid brain/memory thing. So don't think he is still hung up or disrespectful to you, he could just have a stupid brain too.

QuiteLikely5 · 15/05/2016 14:56

I think it's very odd given you've been together 6 months.

I do think that if you say the name out loud it indicates that you may have been thinking about that person but I can only speak for myself as in when I have done it myself it was because I was thinking about the person.

Others might have had the opposite experience though.

Either way I wouldn't like it, are you sure he isn't doing it to get s reaction from you??

MouldyPeach · 15/05/2016 14:57

So to answer your question, no it wouldn't be a deal breaker. DP is very good about it and laughs it off but if he did get annoyed I don't know how I would change it as its not something done on purpose. I get that it's annoying but if everything else is good I'd let it go.

MouldyPeach · 15/05/2016 14:58

Oh and what does he say when you mention it?

Janefromdowntheroad · 15/05/2016 14:59

I've done this three times, been with DP for three years.

Each time I did it we were in the car and I shouted to warn him about something. All three times I shouted out exs name . It's weird!

Shakey15000 · 15/05/2016 14:59

DH has called me by an ex's name a couple of times during our 17 years. Slip of the tongue and brushed off in our case.

CassandraAusten · 15/05/2016 15:03

DH has never called me by his ex's name, but I've called him mine a couple of times . It's honestly just a slip of the tongue.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 15/05/2016 15:03

Mouldy he's very apologetic about it when I bring it up. Granted it's only happened when we've been talking about something not very important for example I want to make a pizza and he'll casually say "oh Nicky, there isn't much mozzarella left, shall I run and get some?" Or "Nicky, you left the charger by the side of the couch".

But it gives me the rage every single time. I'm thinking that at this point it should still be to some extent sunshine and roses. Not me fretting about his misplaced feelings for his ex.

OP posts:

Kim82 · 15/05/2016 15:05

I've been with Dh for 10 years and still have to sometimes stop myself from calling him by my ex's name, and I'm not always successful and the name comes out. It's usually when I'm angry as my ex used to make me angry all the time!

I don't harbour even vaguely nice thoughts about my ex so it's not that I'm pining after him or even thinking about him when I do it, it just comes out. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me as it could just be habit.

sykadelic · 15/05/2016 15:06

I was with my ex for almost 3 years. I met my now DH only a couple of months later. I have NEVER called him by my exes name (and he'd be rightly offended if I did).

BUT, I can think of instances at school where I, or another student, have accidentally called the teacher mum or dad. In fact I think I did something just recently at work where I said the wrong name, like totally the wrong name. It was pretty weird.

You've only been together 6 months, so your boyfriend is likely to slip but it depends on:

When he's saying it (intimacy or casual conversation?)
What he says after he's said it / you pointed it out
How long he was with her
How long ago they broke up before you got together

It's up to you but 6 months together is nothing and if something as little (really, in the grand scheme) as saying your name wrong is bugging you, there's probably something else that you're not willing to admit yet.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 15/05/2016 15:06

Rice They were together for 10+ years. I know it was a messy end which colours my view somewhat. I think if it was just a casual ex perhaps I could deal with it but they to all intents and purposes had planned to have a life together which never came true.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 15/05/2016 15:08

It's more about if you feel he's doing it to upset you or that you accept its a slip of the tongue and no malice meant.

Janefromdowntheroad · 15/05/2016 15:09

If he says it when your in bed I'd worry.

Just watching TV? Meh

MouldyPeach · 15/05/2016 15:10

It truly sounds like habit rather than misplaced feelings.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 15/05/2016 15:11

I just feel so inadequate and angry all the time about it and at the 6-month mark I really shouldn't feel this way. I asked myself that if I was my friend and was advising me, I'd say leave. 6 months is nothing as a pp pointed out. I don't deserve this but then again I think I'm being very OTT.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 15/05/2016 15:14

Ok ten years is a very long time! Maybe you should cut him some slack.

TheNaze73 · 15/05/2016 15:14

I think you're being a bit OTT. 10 years + is a really long time, so habits are ingrained. You've been with him since November, that's no time at all. If he was doing it with malice that'd be a different matter.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/05/2016 15:17

I've done this a few times. It happens, but if it upsets you so much, leave him. You shouldn't be with someone when you feel "inadequate and angry" around them.

ThePowerOfCake · 15/05/2016 15:17

I have accidentally used my ex's name before. We were together for 6 years. I probably said it 2 or 3 times in the first year or so my now DH and I were together. I can understand why you would be upset, but do think you're being OTT if this is the only problem in the relationship. He would have been saying her name for 10 years and that's a hard habit to break. If you're really not happy then maybe it's time to move on, preferably to someone with no previous dating history!

HappyJanuary · 15/05/2016 15:19

I think you're over-reacting. If there are other signs that he isn't over her then fair enough, but if it's just the name thing then you'd be daft to call it a day over something so trivial.

It doesn't mean he's pining for her, or even thinking about her when he says it. Actually IME this sort of thing happens when you're not really thinking properly about anyone or anything at all.

I regularly call my son by my brother's name, get my kids mixed up, and have been known to call a human family member by the dog's name. On Friday a pupil at school was mortified when he called me 'mum'.

If he was with her for 10yrs then there will be all sorts of ingrained habits that you'll be overlaying. Annoying for you and mortifying for him, but not a deal breaker if everything else is good surely?

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/05/2016 15:27

You feel inadequate, angry, and inner rage about this?

The problem here is most likely your own insecurity. I don't know how you can feel like this, and conduct a healthy relationship. It's a sign that you have some unresolved issues about your own worth, which must make things very difficult in a romantic situation.

Do you have a therapist you can bring up these insecurities with? This is something important for you to address, as it will otherwise colour your relationship.

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Ludwaysl · 15/05/2016 15:35

I've been with dh 17 years, we've been known to call each other by our exes names, slip of tongue without a doubt.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2016 15:38

If he called me her name during sex or during an eye to eye intense conversation I'd NOT be happy. But if it was as you describe, an off the cuff statement, I'd probably huff a bit to myself and politely correct him (i.e., "if you want Nicky to run and get the mozzarella, you'll have to call and ask her to" with a bit of a smile").

Perhaps next time you should tell him that from now on he should just call you 'Darling'.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/05/2016 15:42

ricecrispy has this spot on, I think.

You are being unreasonable, he was with her for ten years and he's not using his name when it's important - just when his mind slips. He's very unlikely to be reminiscing about her in his head when he's talking to you about mozzarella.

BUT, if you're feeling angry and have a lot of insecurity after 6 months, I don't think you should be in this relationship. Or perhaps any relationship. It depends if he's caused the insecurity or if it's something you need to work on and then maybe you could give it another go.

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