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How to do this right, with a family and everything else.

(10 Posts)
ThePersonIAm Sat 14-May-16 20:27:16

DP and me are not in love anymore. We love each other, in the sense of what we had and what we have done together, but it is clear our feelings for each other have evaporated. We have four DCs, between 8 and 17. DP had an affair 5 years ago which stopped, but resurrected itself again 12 months later, via phone not physical this time.
Since then we have worked hard in every way possible, physically building a new home from nothing, emotionally losing loved ones and one of us surviving the cancer odds, and financially by making the best of the opportunities that came out way. It's been years of hard work.
We survived but in different ways. I got the worst of each of those. I was the optimist to drive DP's constant negativity. Still am.
I am now at the point where I can't go on with this. Everything I give is rejected. It's like living life is bad, to be stomped on.
It feels so bad of me to be whinging, because by many posts on here we have a great life. No money worries, we are all well liked by friends, family and social nets, and there are no abuse issues.
Talking results in DP stomping off, going to see GP and counselling seems to make DP spiral down into the muffled moan.
I want to split. Do things apart. There is no one else involved, just me wanting to be me, and wanting to be me for out DCs. I will find somewhere else to live, DP can have the house and the rest. I will start again.
I don't know what you can add. It just feels good to tap this out.
When the alarm clock goes up in the morning it feels like a gift, another new day, but by breakfast DP wants to add a sack of rocks in my bag.
Have NC by the way.

Naicehamshop Sat 14-May-16 21:10:03

If that is how you genuinely feel then I really can't imagine things working themselves out again. Maybe a trial separation would be worth thinking about?
Best of luck.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 14-May-16 21:19:53

I think you are great to have got through the affair and he should be lucky to have you, not always down in the dumps.

I wouldn't be too keen to start all over again on your own but you are entitled to your fair share

HeddaGarbled Sat 14-May-16 22:26:34

You can do this if you want.

But don't let him keep the house and the rest.

Do it properly. Get legal advice. Make proper arrangements.

MusicIsMedicine Sun 15-May-16 00:04:44

Don't lose everything just for a fast exit. Do it properly and ensure you have a future and security.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 15-May-16 00:13:29

What Hedda said.

Your h's affair coupled with his glass half empty attitude has no doubt significantly contributed to, if not caused, the breakdown of your marriage and I see no reason your dc should be uprooted from their settled home, and more particularly when it will most probably make more economic sense for him to leave.

Having to be the driving force that spurs the achievements of a pessimist less than positive partner is draining in the extreme and the sooner you're rid of the millstone round your neck, the quicker you'll be free to greet the new morning with a smile on your face that will last till bedtime.

MusicIsMedicine Sun 15-May-16 12:12:32

Yes. What Goddess said.

Let's have this right. He, not you, killed your marriage stone dead by having an affair. You have tried to limp on, to no avail.

Why on earth should you be the one to lose your home and all you've worked for? Why would you go skulking away, leaving him sitting pretty, as if you have done something wrong? You haven't, he has.

Cabrinha Sun 15-May-16 12:36:45

You love each other but you're not in love? That old line.

Well - fuck that shit!

He cheated on you - and then 12 months later went sniffing back after her?

Your husband is an arsehole.

As others have said - do not disadvantage yourself financially.
Leave him, but do it financially fairly.
Good luck.

ThePersonIAm Sun 15-May-16 13:32:15

Thank you for your replies. DP is female and I am male btw.
You all seem pretty consistent and seem to have reached the view I have.
I do not think I will be at too much of a disadvantage financially. The house will be hers as her and the DCs are settled and it it an amazing family home. I do not want to disturb that. As part of the settlement I will arrange for a half share to go in trust for the DCs, together with some life policies. That way if she remarries or cohabits long term their interests are protected. Financially I will start again and my earnings are high, with the mortgage on the existing property and an income need for DCs it will take about half of the disposable or income nearer 60%. Quite looking forward to finding a smaller place, but not sure that the future ultimately holds in terms of me. My life expectancy is well below statistical normals, but I cannot think abut anything else right now, other than buying a small house somewhere and seeing the DCs.

MusicIsMedicine Sun 15-May-16 14:13:31

That explains what you meant about starting over. I still think your own future and security are vital too though.

It's a real shame that you get up in the morning feeling that each day is a gift and then end up being brought crashing down with pessimism. That's a hard dynamic to live with, it sucks the joy out of life. But dealing with cancer can radically alter relationships too. I wondered, did you ever explore joint counselling?

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