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How to deal with a childish rude husband!

(28 Posts)
Flossy1971 Sat 14-May-16 14:41:25

I am furious!!!! So I have a cat sitter I use for holidays and we are due to go away. My cat has diabetes and needs insulin so my sitter came out this morning so I could show her how to administer the insulin. When she arrived my husband was hoovering and had disappeared upstairs and I made coffee. As we'd just had coffee and he was upstairs I didn't make him another. So then he finishes hoovering, comes into the kitchen and sarcastically remarks 'I'll make my own coffee shall I' along with a few patronising 'yes and no dears' thrown in for good measure. Not only do I find this unacceptable on its own but the cat sitter barely knows us and this was in front of her and I was so embarrassed! After she left I took him to task on it and asked him to not be rude to me in front of people that it's totally unacceptable. To add insult to injury, instead of owning his childish behaviour he threw it back onto me admitting he was rude but he didn't care and how I was rude not offering him coffee. Needless to say I told him to grow up and he's stormed off out. This isn't the first time he's been rude to me in front of people and it's not the first time I've pulled him up on it. And his response to being pulled up on something I find unacceptable, such as disrespecting your wife/partner, is pretty standard, he throws a hissy and storms off out. How do I make it absolutely clear to him that being rude to me, particularly in front of people, just is not on. Needless to say I am furious. More because he's stomped off out rather than apologising despite admitting he was rude!!!!

needfemaleadvice Sat 14-May-16 14:46:54

Next time introduce him people as my 'meet my husband -the cunt '

No I'm absolutely kidding.. Sorry couldn't resist. I agree its outrageous. My DH doesn't behave that way but my father used to treat my mom like that. Its not on. My mom broke her best plates on my dad sometimes. She gave as good as she got. My old 'mam'.

Froginapan Sat 14-May-16 14:52:33

Tell him to cut the passive-aggressive crap or get out

NannawifeofBaldr Sat 14-May-16 14:54:14

Well he sounds delightful.

Perhaps try a different tack, perhaps explain (calmly if you can manage it) that as a result of this morning's display the cat sitter doesn't think that you are rude, she thinks that he is an ill-manner, disrespectful arse and she has probably told at least two people how sorry she feels for you.

If he doesn't apparently have any respect for you, at least you'd think he'd care about his own reputation.

nicenewdusters Sat 14-May-16 14:58:05

How about calling him out on his behaviour in front of the person as it's happening?

It'll be toe curling for all involved, but he's embarrassing you anyway (although actually to the third party just making a complete arse of himself alone).

I know this would take nerve but it would be interesting to see his reaction. Are you looking forward to going away with him ? Perhaps you and the cat should go.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 14-May-16 15:03:43

"This isn't the first time he's been rude to me in front of people and it's not the first time I've pulled him up on it"

"How do I make it absolutely clear to him that being rude to me, particularly in front of people, just is not on."

Other than repeating yourself until you're blue in the face, I can't see what different tactic you could use. It's not the first time you've made the observation that he's a rude cunt, so any other time you bring it up will have precisely the same result: he storms off in a moody.

I suggest you consider the ballistic option: he acts with respect towards you in future or it's over. His feelings of resentment and entitlement, the need to humiliate you in front of strangers or whatever it is that's going on are more important to him than anything you may be feeling as a result of his actions. This really isn't the type of person to make a long-term future with.

"admitting he was rude but he didn't care"

Take him at his word. THIS is what he thinks of you. You're just not important enough to behave decently towards.

Flossy1971 Sat 14-May-16 15:08:29

Needfemaleadvice I did just laugh out loud at your suggestion on how to introduce him, that's made my day thank you!

Froginapan I must confess I have recently started wondering if it's passive-aggressive shit but I don't know enough about it to know. He's just reappeared and claims he said he'd make his own coffee in a completely different tone to the one he actually used. I'm no fool when it comes to abuse having kicked my ex into touch for being well and truly abusive but this passive stuff is new territory for me!

Those of you who suggested calling him out on his behaviour in front of people, I've done that before, even my friends have done it to him, but he seems to not give a shit what other people think. Social etiquette certainly doesn't seem to be something that's top of his priorities. Sadly it is for me so one thing or another has to change. Maybe I'll take the cat away instead, probably enjoy it hell of a lot more!

NickiFury Sat 14-May-16 15:09:38

Nothing more than Showing Off really is it? Also a bit like he's trying to distance himself from the relationship when there's someone else around to put on a performance for. I don't have any answers. My Mum is like it and my ex H too. I truly believe they both have borderline personality disorder.

HarmlessChap Sat 14-May-16 15:14:07

How is the marriage otherwise?

I know from my own circumstances that problems in the marriage have affected my behaviour and created a bit of a viscous circle. In my case it was a bad temper but through conscious effort I've gotten it under control but it was becoming both a symptom and cause of problems in my marriage.

Flossy1971 Sat 14-May-16 15:28:50

Bitterandonlyslightlytwisted thank you. You have just perfectly summed up in words how it leaves me feeling and why it makes me so furious and yes, whenever I pull him up on behaviour I find unacceptable it is met with the same response, he throws a hissy and storms off refusing to admit he's done anything wrong (lately is an exception although he still cleverly lands it in my lap like I don't know what he's doing!) and I repeat myself like a broken record, keep it up and I WILL leave you. Like you say, it just smacks of total disrespect and disregard of how I feel!

nicenewdusters Sat 14-May-16 15:29:42

He may not give a shit about what other people think, but he knows you give a shit about how he makes you feel in these situations - and it makes you feel rubbish. So it's nothing to do with etiquette, but him saying that he doesn't care about upsetting you.

I really do think you and the cat have more of a future !

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 14-May-16 18:00:40

He's a nasty bully. He does it to make yoy feel small, because he enjoys making you feel small.

Do you want to stay married to a bully, OP?

Flossy1971 Sat 14-May-16 23:40:39

He's so f'ing childish. He text earlier to say he was sorry and said he hates falling out with me but did he apologise to my face when he came home? No. And because I was sill pissed off about it all and hadn't instantly forgiven him because he'd sent a lousy text apologising he's back to pointing fingers, saying he apologised to keep the peace (rather than because he actually means it) and has gone to sleep in the spare room like the sulky f'ing child he is!

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI Sun 15-May-16 09:28:01

LTB.

nicenewdusters Sun 15-May-16 10:58:55

I think you should move his stuff into the spare room and tell him to stay there. I don't believe in carrying on the silent treatment, but do your own thing today and leave him to it. Let him make the first move, then rip him a new one.

KittyKrap Sun 15-May-16 11:24:03

What a fucking arsehole. My ex would either try to make out he was the best husband ever or act like a total dick in front of my friends, to get them to leave ASAP.

I don't like saying LTB much but man, LTB.

pocketsaviour Sun 15-May-16 13:03:35

On the day of your wedding, did you envisage your life like this? Putting up with the tantrums of a stroppy teenager?

harrisntasha Sun 15-May-16 16:43:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flossy1971 Sun 15-May-16 19:00:04

Tbh pocketsaviour he'd already been bloody behaving like it before the wedding so I should have cancelled the whole thing! All day today he's been ok, now we are driving to the airport arsehole yet again. A car pulled out in front of us in the fast lane of the motorway and instead of slowing he stayed on his tail so I asked him to back off. His response? The usual high pitched whine how he didn't break because there are cars behind us and then promptly snapped at the breaks to jolt me to show me what he meant. Fucking prick, you don't have to either not break or slam them on, how about gently breaking to back off and if his driving is unnerving me why fucking argue with me and make an example yet again?! I'm about bloody done and those on here who've said LTB I'm beginning to realise you're right, it's little instances of this stupid sort of behaviour that I find totally unnecessary.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 15-May-16 19:50:40

He really doesn't like you at all does he? Do you like him?

AnyFucker Sun 15-May-16 19:53:45

Well, if you have raised the issue several times and he is still doing it then you have little choice really

Shit/get off the pot springs to mind

Flossy1971 Sun 15-May-16 20:32:36

Or he's just an arrogant disrespectful arse!

upaladderagain Sun 15-May-16 22:04:45

Apart from his toddler-esque behaviour, how can you bear to be married to a bad driver?

SelfLoathing Sun 15-May-16 22:53:36

This isn't the first time he's been rude to me in front of people and it's not the first time I've pulled him up on it
How do I make it absolutely clear to him that being rude to me, particularly in front of people, just is not on.

Replace "been rude to me" with "hit me". What would your advice be to someone posting that?

Once is enough. In exceptional circumstances (good reason to believe it was a one off), you might take a view that once if it never happens again is worth persisting in the relationship . More than once, won't change whether you "pull him up on it" or not.

Gide Sun 15-May-16 22:58:59

Emotional abuse and gas lighting! Congrats, OP, you got a two in one! Telling you his tone wasn't wrong, sure, whatever, you clearly misheard-not! Sorry, he sounds like a twat.

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