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In love, he can't have a child...and other messy parts. Don't know what to do

(19 Posts)
Halfwayoranges Sat 14-May-16 08:00:21

I'm in love with someone I work with. We've been a couple for 3.5 years. Never been so happy. He's 47 and I'm 30. He has a child and is on good terms with ex wife, who I have met. We decided we wanted a baby, a year ago. He reversed a vasectomy. It hasn't worked and we have been told there is only a tiny chance he'd be able to have a child.

I want a child. He's the best thing in my life. He's said he understands if I want to leave and he'll always be there for me.

What do I do now? I feel so broken. I want a choke but it's incredibly hard to leave for something that's not even actually there. I could see him less at work if needed but realistically I'm still going to have to see him at least in passing most days, and to talk to every couple of days. I can't leave my job for a year or so either - hard to explain but very specific area, I'm at an important part of the career progression right now.

How do I deal with all this?

Halfwayoranges Sat 14-May-16 08:01:10

Child not choke!!**

BertrandRussell Sat 14-May-16 08:04:11

Sperm donation?

ElspethFlashman Sat 14-May-16 08:06:10

Why are you despairing after just a short time? Go over to the Infertility board - there are tons of male factor infertility stories over there and a lot of success stories. They can advise you on where to go and what procedures to look into.

Cabrinha Sat 14-May-16 08:06:29

Why not have IVF?
At a good clinic, your age would be in a high success range, presuming you have no fertility issues.

Cabrinha Sat 14-May-16 08:07:28

And why are you trying to get pregnant now when the next year of your career is so important?

HairySubject Sat 14-May-16 08:09:01

I second trying ivf. Good luck to you.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Sat 14-May-16 08:10:32

Donor sperm - or is he producing sperm that can be extracted somehow?

Halfwayoranges Sat 14-May-16 08:11:02

We wouldn't have the money for it I don't think.

Trying now because I really want a child with him, and we knew the vasectomy may be a problem. Wanted to know sooner.

barbet Sat 14-May-16 08:15:48

You're 30 - no huge rush. Save up for a year and use donor sperm. Have counselling together if needed to explore exactly how this could make you both feel and then move on together.

Offred Sat 14-May-16 08:26:40

He's 47 - does he want a child at his age?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 14-May-16 08:31:07

Don't lose heart - there are options.

I know this is from the USA but read it anyway.

1frenchfoodie Sat 14-May-16 08:34:51

Keep trying and save up for IVF while furthering your career.

carben Sat 14-May-16 08:37:06

You're panicking I think. There's no need. This can be solved. The most reassuring thing is that although he's 47 he is on board with having another baby with you and has proved this by having a vasectomy. That's hugely important. Research all you options - and there will be many -save, save and save some more over the next 18 months whilst you decide what to do. Get your career where it needs to be if you have to take a break and then put your efforts into what option you've decided to go with to try and get pregnant. Sometimes you have to fight harder to get what you want and it's all the sweeter for it.

OddBoots Sat 14-May-16 08:38:54

Would you consider egg sharing? It's not for everyone, I know.

justkeepongoing Sat 14-May-16 08:38:55

With IVF a clinic can extract sperm through something called MEESA ( not sure if this is correct spelling). Don't give up on your man or hope for a baby with him. I didn't and I now have a DS 17.

Summerlovinf Sat 14-May-16 08:42:44

I agree with Cabrinha...don't get pregnant when your career is at this stage.

Iloverosesletters1921 Sat 14-May-16 09:05:53

So you don't want him, you want a baby? So wait a year or 5 and see how it goes?

Cabrinha Sat 14-May-16 09:33:59

Why wouldn't you have the money for it?
Two working adults. Do you have cars, holidays?

Concentrate on both your career and on saving.
Don't try to get pregnant until you have completed this important year of your career progression, which will presumably also be financial progression.

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