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Please Help With My Terminal Heart Sickness(14 Posts)
I KNOW THIS THREAD IS PERHAPS LONGER THAN NORMAL ON HERE BUT PLEASE HELP!
Please pardon my long story, the only person I can confide in is my mother inlaw but I cannot as it'll paint a horrible picture of my wife. I still very much love her and just want to believe this is a scary dream that will end asap. Please if too long, just jump to issues 3 & 4 and help me with a brutally sincere advice.
I met my wife when I was 24 and she was 22 - we're both madly in love and all she kept saying was please marry me quick before this world end. We fixed a date, she got pregnant, delivered, we married (will be for 6 years in September), then another child. And we've been nuturing our love with ocassional healthy fights that is normal for a couple as young as we are.
We had a flawless first 2 years of marriage with the love budding despite our humble beginnings - from a shared room to a studio flat that was leaking non-stop. Then we luckily got to rent a 2 bed directly from the council and our income gradually rose and now presently off any tax credits or whatever form of benefits.
1. THE SEX
Our sex is great, she would orgasm during actual intercourse (not foreplay) 3 out of 5. The 1 out of 5 she doesn't would be because she's focusing too much on the orgasm and not the sex, then decide she's taking too long and emotionally disconnect. And the other 1 out of 5 is that rare moment, she's just too hot to handle and I finish within 5/10 minutes. She would normally go mad and not wanting an immediate rematch. She's always vocal about how I have sexually pleased her more than any man she's ever met, the only to ever make her cum, etc. While we were dating, she admitted to have had sex with 9 others before meeting me and explained how she once got STI. And I had had sex twice with a lady that tricked me into it in within a 2 week period of my first ever encounter with a lady. This was about 2 years or more before I met my wife. So we're not really struggling in the sex department although I sometimes wish she's more emotionally and affectionately committed into it lately.
2. LACK OF TRUST
My wife had trust issues early on. I was working full time on my small business on weekdays and additional 17.5 hours on weekends. But I was very flexible with time for the kids, like I would work from home to give her time to study (when she still was) or do other things like attend interviews (when she resumed job hunting). Everytime I returned home, she would sniff me hoping to smell a woman. She would give me random calls that if I missed because of being in a meeting gets followed my nasty SMS of who are you with.
The most annoying is that she's accussed me more than once of being intrested in her younger adopted sister even when this girl was as young as 14 (most disgusting accussation of my life). She's apparently seen me looking at her breasts even though I didn't know I was looking at it (really?) - found out she's for whatever reason jealous of this girl anyway because everyone keeps saying she's beautiful so I tried to understand her over-the-top-ness.
She's researced divorcing me twice and affectionately, emotionally and sexually starved me. She's suspected me of cheating on her and put up a massive thread on here about 2 years ago (that's how I knew about this site). But in all honesty, everything I have ever thought of and done had revolved around her. I never thought what my life would be like without her. I left all my family's wealth to stay in UK and build our own nuclear family in love and with hardwork.
3. THE NEW JOB
After labouring hard as the only working spouse for 6 years (she got tax credits to balance the books and handled the food shopping), my wife got a job. I adjusted my life to help her settle down - I make her breakfast, do her lundry + ironing, do the school runs and deal with my business headaches in between. I dropped her off at and picked her up from work for the whole of the first week. I return home to make sure it is tidy and dinner is ready. She just comes home, we have family dinner, cuddle on the sofa with the girls, watch one movie, I take the girls to bed. If time is still young as it often is, we will then catch up on our own series of Arrow or other movies we can't watch with the kids and sleep. I enjoy looking after the kids and never complained one bit like she always did - the only challenging factor is business I run in-between and deadline battles. I priotise my family above everything else; they're the reason I do this. First I thought, it was stress at work and I uped my household duties. My account were going red on all front because I now do all the spendings including the ones she would normally do (food shopping, etc). But I fired on with the mindset of my wife must settle well at this job with no problem from home.
4. THE LAY-UP
From the third week of wife's new job, things changed. She started moaning, and picking fights with any possible but not realistic opportunity. First I lost the light key with still enough left to last 24 hours and she started a 2 hour long fight - worried about her making up and getting ready for work next day. I reassured her what's left on the light will be enough for when she gets ready in the morning and I was right in the end. She apologised and the next 2 days were good. I had an evening business appointment and told her I am prepared to pick her up from work if she does not mind as it will make it faster. She preferred coming home herself. But she left work 15 minutes late causing me to be late for my meeting and automatically the prospective contract. She didn't pick her calls even when she said she's already on her way home and will rather text the very second I was calling to find where she was. I made a statement of knowing she does not like picking her calls when she's with someone (a fact) but that she could make exception to at least let me know how far away she was. She fought me over that text throughout the evening, I lost my mind and concetration, lost my work bag with my laptop in it. And she just kept bringing the drama on - but my care, love and affection remained intact till this minute still sorting out all her meals, laundry, etc. She however keeps acting funny finding reasons to be in a fight and disconnected mode
4. THE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
I borrowed her phone to WhatsApp call my sister in US. As soon as I finished, she ran into the kitchen and snatched it off me. I found that weird and it became much more wierd when I was charging her phone later that night to find out she's put a lock code on it (I always charge all the phones and tablets for them). At this point, the SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT BELL STARTED RINGING LOUD. I asked her why the sudden secrecy and she claimed it is because I've been checking her phone (FALSE) and she needed her privacy. On Thursday morning she jumped into the shower before the phone screen locked and I had a quick glance through and I could not believe what I saw: She's been texting a guy she referred to as her WORK HUSBAND during and outside work hours with messages totally not-work related. And knowing my wife well, all her emotions were in it. The thing is that she talks more about her work buddy (FEMALE) at home and never about this guy. But there is not one single text between her and her work buddy. I sent her an important text on Wednesday at 10AM of a family inviting us for lunch on Sunday requiring her urgent reply. She did not reply and by the time she message me at 4PM, it was a totally different text (she later said she's so busy at worked that she missed my text). But this SMS history showed she was busy texting and flirting with this man on her way back to the office from a training.
I was going to hold it in and gather more evidence, but there was no point, I better come to her rescue before it gets too messy. So I snatched the phone off her on Thursday night, she ripped my clothes in the process threatening she'll leave me if I go through it. I ran out of the house on foot to avoid drama, read the messages better (there's been few more added) and she's obviously deleted some. Most times, she sounded like she's throwing herself at him. Sometimes, he responds in similar pattern (perhaps to be polite).
Returned home and I was locked out. I rang her on my phone using hers and we spoke. She said sorry but sounded rather embarassed as opposed to really sorry. She confessed her love and promised not to do it again although she played down some of what she said in the SMS. So, if anything I think I am foolish to forgive her so easily as she was not sober as such even though she shed tears like I did.
6. REPEATED OFFENCE
I don't care as long as we get back to normal but only to be wrong. She discussed me with him the very next day while sharing the snack I packed for her with him saying it might be poisoned. She mocked me saying I went mad because she's been texting and calling him and they both laughed about it. She sent him a much deeper text and I am mad afresh. I have called sick at my weekend job because my heart is sick but primarily to treat her to a relaxing weekend so she can start the week afresh. But now, I am thinking:
AM I FOOLISH?
SHOULD I REALLY BE BUILDING MY FUTURE WITH THIS WOMAN?
IS IT NOT GOOD THAT THIS KIND OF TRAIT IS COMING TO LIGHT THIS EARLY ON?
Perhaps I gave her all the time to be idle and it led to this. She said her colleagues at work think I am 'under the thumb' while few ladies tell her I am 'a man to keep'. Maybe she would not have had the time to do all these if she had a home to tidy when she returns and food to cook because I was just as busy daily and my shortened hours of work on the business meant I was losing money.
Should I be hopeful or is she a natural cheat that will perhaps keep doing this when she gets the chance? If I worked for 7 years avoiding ladies that actually chased me in business and at work (one lured me to a business meeting in her 5 bedroom flat and was mad I escaped unscathed), should I understand why my woman lost in within a month?
What's most annoying about this is her pretence self-righteousness. She's told me her office is a flirting environment where even a lady removes her top to flash her bras after a boob job. She's told me how ladies get jealous over men. She's told how when a man that works right next to her asked if she was the touchy type, she boldly made a statement that she would slap any man that did. She's mentioned the name of everyone else in that office and spoken about them except this guy. She only mentioned him in her first week (not his name), that he gave her a lift to a work appointment in his sports car. She works as an Estate Office for the council and goes to visit tenants a lot; a potential for things to get out of hand if the guy lives nearby. All they needed was to leave the office same time for a false appointment and get a room. This is very likely with the way she's emotionally into him. In one of her post confrontational text, she said instead of going home after a training, she will rather return to the office so that she can bus it together with him - revealing she's upset he's got his car back reducing chances of them going home together. This also reveals why she started going home through Route B which is longer than Route A but the only route her work husband travels through when he was shortly without his car. Perhaps also the same reason she got home late and made me miss out on a contract. How selfish? FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS RIPPED OUT JUST THAT I AM STILL BREATHING. I've only managed 2 hour sleep and thought I better type all this out where I could get feedback at least instead of dying inside
It's awful you are feeling so disrespected.
I suspect her head is turned as she is so very young and this is her first return to life outside of home and babies? You're both in your twenties right?
Yes, I will be 30 in 2 months and she turned 28 in February. Does this mean I should understand her actions better and any woman her age will just treat any man like me the same? Am I in-human by not getting my heads turned as well? She's experienced life maxing the most of her freedom in uni days with men (relationships and one night stands) and should have seen enough. She's the first real woman I've met and I've always seen the good in her. I have never been curious about the possibility of the grass being greener on the other side.
No of course I'm not saying that. Just I was trying to picture the situation: that she has been home with one focus on life and this now may be quite exciting (and ridiculous). I'm not suggesting it's ok by any means.
How are things today?
Thanks for your view Havalina1, much appreciated
Sorry I skipped your other question:
Today's looking good in the sense that she's the type that will rather not discuss things. So, I'm pressing it all down. Didn't sleep to start with so made breakfast for her and the kids, got the kids busy in their room so I could spend some moments with her. We cuddled in, watched an episode of one of our favourite series. When we get in love and cuddle mode, she gets lotst in thoughts in-between and one cannot but wonder "hope she's not thinking she's not in the arms she'll rather be in". She sometimes referred back to the incident and repeatedly played it down (because she didn't know I got to see her latest message to him which shows she's still drooling all over him). She would say something like "I'm sorry to hurt you but I didn't put any meaning to my messages to him - I was just being cheeky". Every attempt of repentance was followed up by a but which contradicts the very essence of being sorry. She however admitted that she would be much madder if it was the other way round, so made me feel okay about confronting her. So I just told her not to worry about it, I do not want her to have a stressful weekend - I've planned it for fun to make up for the stress of the confrontation of Thursday night. So I pray God helps me to zip it up and zip it in as I continue to reassure her of my love and adoration for her. She's showering now and once she's done, I'm taking them to the beach for a little relaxation.
I will get over it I'm sure if she does not send further messages.
Your relationship sounds as though you feel you need to make everything alright by removing stress for her.
It's a pretty rubbish tactic and makes for an unequal dynamic. Especially if you are pandering to her to the extent that your business is losing money? Can she not get herself to work? Can she not put washing on before going to work? A relationship takes open communication, trust, commitment and respect from both parties. I don't see much of that in what you've posted so far.
We communicate and commit, but trust's always been missing from her end. She's been let down by few men in the past but those are hurried relationships. What I posted is primarily what's happened in the past 5 weeks of her starting a new job. I put all the burden on to help her back into work and make it easy because she found it so touch from day one. I was going to gradually ease out but when she started showing attitudes, I assumed work stress was too much and she could do with a bit more help.
Your relationship sounds a bit strange, it may just be that you've grown up and grown apart. It doesn't sound like she had much of a chance of life after university (working for you then being responsible for the DC).
Now she's out in the real world she doesn't want the same things anymore.
She never worked for me. If she ever did, perhaps my business would have exploded (I've paid someone else to do admin and chase invoice). She's always loved doing her own thing doing few part time voluntary roles with free childcare. I understand what you mean though
Thanks to the few that saw and helped out with this. It's made much difference and I now have better perspectives to evaluate before next course of action. God bless you all
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