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OMG I am in lust, please I need advice to stop.

(22 Posts)
TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 03:03:15

I am a young widow of over 2 years.
I had an amazing marriage and so so in deep deep love.

I have not had any desire to start another relationship anytime soon.

I have recently unintentionally met a man. I missed sex and intimicy so I thought I would let myself go and have some affection for a night.

Here is the problem.
The sex was amazing, everything he did was exactly what I like.
I went back for more:-)

Now this guy wants a relationship, thinks im fabulous etc.
I explained that I wasnt ready for that, and it wouldnt be fair to him, me, my dc, and his dc. But was happy to agree to a fwb situation.

I cannot stop thinking about him!
I just have to picture our interactions and my heart is going.

He is in no way my type, so I assumed that I must be in love.
I was really annoyed with myself because that wasnt my plan.

Anyway I spoke with a friend and she said I was experiencing lust.
I know she is right. When we are together im not really interested in chatting much, I just want to make out:-)

I am aware that this isnt healthy and confusing for the guy.
He is like an addiction.
Please has anyone got any advice for me?
I really dont want to stop contact with him because I feel so happy.

TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 03:05:00

I want to stop the lust feeling.
So calm down and just enjoy it for what it is without the intensity.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 14-May-16 03:11:31

In love is a bit like madness. Lots of chemicals in the brain. Add that to sex chemicals and it is mind altering.

So, enjoy it OP, but like alcohol, don't make any serious decisions regarding children or finances while under the influence.grin

TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 03:24:50

grin
Thank you, you have made me laugh!

ShmooBooMoo Sat 14-May-16 03:40:41

I think you should go with it and see what happens... You might be meant for each other smile If it's lust it'll fizzle out, of not it may lead to something lasting.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 14-May-16 04:15:53

It's springtime, the sap is rising and you are in lust with a man who happens to have pressed the right buttons at the right time. Lucky you!

Enjoy the giddy heights while they last and don't be disappointed if you find that you come down to earth with a bump as the experience will have served its purpose in awakening the sexual parts of you that have been suppressed of late.

Keep him as a fwb and don't think about 'love' in the full meaning of the word until you've established that you are as compatible with him outside the sheets as you are between them... that should keep you occupied for the next year or so. wink

timelytess Sat 14-May-16 07:02:44

Ha! You don't need a cure, it will pass soon enough. Get it while you can!

Somerville Sat 14-May-16 11:00:09

I'm not sure a FWB scenario is ever really fair when one of the 'friends' really wants a deeper relationship. It means that he's accepting what he can get when really he wants a lot more (if he's being honest) and hoping you fall for him.

But... maybe you will? It sounds like you're edging towards that.

My experience of these emotions after being widowed is that it's hard to really work out what they are because you're comparing them to the immense love you feel for your husband. A new and developing love feels, to me, quite different initially - which is actually good because it helps me to deal with the mindfuck of loving two very different men at the same time.

TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 11:10:17

Thank you so much Somerville for your thoughts.
It is so good to talk to someone who has been widowed and dealing with new love.
I have shed alot of tears today, I am so freaked out feeling sonething for somebody new.
There is some guilt, and so many confused thoughts and feelings.
You are right though about him wanting more, and taking what I am offering.

Somerville Sat 14-May-16 11:33:53

I've been there, with the freaked out feeling and the resulting tears. Processing the guilt and the competing emotions has been/is a really important step forward for me. But it's hard!

Have you seen a grief counsellor in the past? I restarted seeing mine when I realised I was falling for my new chap, and having that safe space and time to work on all of this has been helpful. Otherwise I tend to get too busy to really deal with these things, and I suddenly get very upset at night once the kids are in bed.

Just want to say, as well, that there is nothing for you to feel guilty for. Having feelings for someone else doesn't mean you're betraying your husband. I know it doesn't always feel like that, but it's true. flowers

I noticed you described the new chap as 'not your type'. I guess what you mean by this is not like your DH? That's quite natural too, I think.

TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 11:42:28

I havent had any grief counselling.
I think i will make an appointment monday morning.
My type of guy is really outgoing, clean cut with the badboy tatts hidden. Guy who works in a suit.(I know i am a little specific!)
This guy has the tatts, everything else not my type. But my god the way he looks at me, i am gone:-)

merville Sat 14-May-16 11:42:45

"I'm not sure a FWB scenario is ever really fair when one of the 'friends' really wants a deeper relationship. It means that he's accepting what he can get when really he wants a lot more (if he's being honest) and hoping you fall for him."

This is a MAN we're talking about here, isn't it? hmm He's just thinking "great, I'm getting hot sex!". smile I'm sure he'll recover (rather quickly) if he is open to more & OP isn't.

TheVeganVagina Sat 14-May-16 11:44:13

My husband only had a few dying requests and one was for me to find love again. I know he was so worried about leaving us alone.
I miss him so much.

Somerville Sat 14-May-16 12:51:37

I want to give you hug, Vegan. It's always so heartbreaking thinking about their feelings, knowing they were going to leave us, isn't it.

Grief counselling has really helped me. I was resistant to start with but had some family sessions with my DC and liked the counsellor, so then had some of my own. Don't be afraid to try a few different people, to get the right fit.

About the only thing that DH and new boyfriend have in common, aside from loving me, is they're both clean cut and not only would hide any tattoos, but don't have any. So if I have a type, it must be that! grin But there's loads about them that's very different, and I think that makes sense. Because I'm very different to the undergrad who fell into bed with another student and basically never left. smile Being married for 15 years, having kids, and crucially, what I went through with DH's illness and then death, and then learning to be a lone parent, have all changed me. Someone very much like DH wouldn't suit me now. (Plus, they'd seem like a pale imitation.)

Merville hmm to you too. Either you (if you're male) or the men in your life (if you're female) are much shallower than all the men I've known well.

barbet Sat 14-May-16 13:39:53

This is a MAN we're talking about here, isn't it? How fucking rude and misandrist of you merville! hmm

But how lovely that you've met someone you like Vegan! smile I'd recommend just being honest with him. Forget about types and long term relationships etc, if it's right then it'll work out. Keep telling him how you feel and be candid.

It might be that this is your version of a rebound, and rushing into something would be a little silly ... but if you're honest and he's not interested in a potential "fling" relationship then he has a chance to move on.

merville Sat 14-May-16 21:25:09

Apparently my tongue in cheek tone is not as communicable via smilies as I though lol!!

However I stand by my life experience and observation (which is of a very wide range of people whom I doubt are any more or less shallow than average) that as a general rule men are more sexually motivated than women, cry harder but shorter than women if something doesn't work out, and tend to be much more grateful/stoical about having gotten good sex in such a situation ... see Freddie's post for a recent example.

Barbet - crossed wires aside, a very rapid drop to profanities!

TheVeganVagina Sun 15-May-16 03:42:01

Illness and death do change you dont they.
I am a different person now.

TheVeganVagina Sun 15-May-16 03:44:03

I cry every time I read your messages Somerville
You are the first person who has got me and knows exactly what I am thinking and feeling.
Thank youflowers

barbet Sun 15-May-16 09:08:38

Yes I'd say it got more than lost merville, sorry for misreading. I just swear a lot so it doesn't read badly to me, and I'm seriously sick of the "all men are arseholes blah blah blah" crap which keeps coming up on MN. (Some definitely are of course, and the 'boys will be boys' things is equally crap - but we won't have equality until we start addressing both sides without stereotypes).

Anyway sorry to derail.... Point being I hope it all goes well for you Vegan.

Somerville Sun 15-May-16 09:27:47

Good morning, Vegan. Are you on a different time zone, or couldn't you sleep last night lovey?

Have you got much RL support?

And where are things at now with FWB-guy?

PM me if you want.

A thread on a sensitive subject with an upset OP isn't the right place for tongue cheek, Merville. Not that I'm the thread police - do as you will. But either own your words or apologise if they didn't come out like you intended; don't get defensive. (And what's with the swearing telling off?! This is fucking MN.)

TheVeganVagina Sun 15-May-16 10:11:03

Yes I am in Australia:-)
I do have lots of RL support, which is fab.
You know how it is though, you always appreciate advice from someone who has been through what you are going through.
Thank God fwb lives an hour away.
It has also been the weekend so I have been enjoying my dc before the working week starts again.
I ended up being honest with him about my feelings. He is so beautiful.

Somerville Sun 15-May-16 10:51:58

Ooh I should have said good evening, then. Or good morning for tomorrow. Or something. confused grin

Yes, I entirely know what you mean. Here we have an organisation called WAY (Widowed and Young), with all types of resources and support, including meet-ups, holidays, private FB groups etc... I tried to go along to something fairly early on - too early on, I realise now. I've recently restarted attending a local group and it was so amazing being with a room full of people in exactly the same position. Is there anything like that in Oz, I wonder?

That's awesome that you were honest with him about how you feel. How did you leave it? Are you still FWB's for now?

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