Just want a rant about my DH. Unhappy :(

[mumofawoodlouseeater]

We live in a very expensive area. Rented house. Very little hope of ever being able to buy if we stay.

I've been pressing DH for us to move for about a year. He's always flatly said no because, he says, he likes a particular group of friends who live nearby.

DH is religious. He reckons that he recently was given a 'message from God' that we should move to a particular town a fair few miles away. This is apparently based on him having heard the name of this town 'spoken' to him while praying. I'm not religious at all and I think it's bollocks, but he genuinely believes it.

I've looked into this town, and it sounds awful. Racist, deprived, bad schools, nothing to do... the list goes on.

I've said I'll go and have a look. We can have a trip there, and if it turns out that I like it more than I'm expecting then we can look into it further.

I've asked him if - since he's apparently not as completely against moving as he once suggested - in the situation that we don't end up moving to this town he's set on then we can have a serious look into other places we could get a mortgage.

No. Apparently this is not an option. Either we move to this little town neither of us has even been to but which sounds awful, or we don't move anywhere.

I feel guilty typing this all up because it feels intrusive but I don't have anyone else to talk to and I'm just so frustrated and upset.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Anything you can do, I can do better comes to mind.

Organise a trip to the town in question and canvas opinons on the Chat board from mumsnetters who live there.

If it's not to your liking, tell your h you'll pray on the message he's been given.

As the Almighty moves in mysterious ways I wouldn't be at all surprised if a disembodied voice orders you to move to another town/area where, coincidentally, buying a suitable property close to decent schools would be within your reach, and you may be told to refrain from marital relations until you've cracked open the champagne on your first night in your new home.

[Hidingtonothing]

I would simply tell him you're not prepared to base a decision as important as where you live on anything other than solid facts about the suitability of the area. By all means go and have a look but, if the visit does nothing to change your mind, I would be insistent that rationale will be your guide, not messages from God. Aside from the bad things you've heard are there logistical or practical problems with moving there you could use to back up your reasons for saying no? Is it far enough away to mean longer commutes to work or school for any DC's or mean that you will be further away from family etc? Hopefully if you can counter his spiritual leaning towards this place with logical, practical reasons against it he will see that it's unwise to move there purely based on something he thinks he heard whilst praying.

[TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius]

This sounds very manipulative OP. What's to stop him using this crap over anything at all - literally anything. Is this a one off or is there more gems like these in the background. Blimey! I can see why you have posted. It's the ultimate control method really if you think about it, isn't it? Too much of that sort of thing and I would have a voice in my head telling me to LTB.

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

Agree with the goddess, two can play at that game. I would start receiving messages that I should be reconsidering whether married life was for me....

[DoreenLethal]

I knew religion was evil, but never estate agent standard evil!

You are being manipulated. I wonder why that particular town?

[mumofawoodlouseeater]

Thanks all. Have calmed down a bit now.

I am definitely not going to move there unless it drastically exceeds my expectations. DH can be unreasonable but he won't force a move. He'll just try the 'pester until I give in or sulk if I don't' tactic.

Unfortunately, he knows I'm steadfastly non-religious and he would see right through any attempts to hear any 'messages from God' of my own.

The thing is, he isn't going to deliberately manipulate me - he genuinely believes in these messages he says he's received. They have happened before (or, you know, he believes they have), but never to this degree of significance over our lives.

The most frustrating part for me is that he won't even consider moving due to the 'mere' fact of me wanting it - or to give our children stability, to prevent us from throwing money down the drain on a rental, etc. You know, any of those perfectly rational reasons, for which many other families move areas in spite of having friends locally. But he will do it in an instant because he feels like 'God told him to'. I do understand his reasoning, but I find it upsetting.

[NessaYork]

You have my sympathies. I come from a family of religious-types and it can be incredibly frustrating to try to maintain a rational conversation with them and their 'invisible friend'.
I cannot add to the already excellent advice above; I would strongly recommend that you take steps to protect yourself and your children. Keep a journal or a logbook, noting dates and circumstances, of each time he takes these kind of decisions based on messages that have come to him via prayer etc. Note down your own views on reasons you have given him which support your own viewpoint. The journal may come in handy one day.
Best wishes!

[MardleBum]

I don't know what advise to give except that I would seriously struggle to stay married to someone who sought to control my life and expected me to make major changes in my life based on such illogical, fanciful, nonsensical notions and refused to see reason over it. I just couldn't have any respect or understanding for a person who thought like that at all.

[PirateSmile]

He is a very selfish man. I wouldn't pander to him.

[tribpot]

The inequality in the relationship bothers me more than the source of his opinion, although presumably 'god told me to' is meant to shut you down and prevent a reasoned discussion, since it's not his opinion and therefore he can't be held accountable for it.

Why does he get to decide unilaterally where you live? Do I take it you are financially dependent on him?

[Pythonesque]

Can I ask if his "God told me to..." ideas are consistent not just with things he's said in the past, but with others in the religious circles he moves in? Because you're describing a relatively extreme approach that is somewhat uncommon, and gentle alarm bells are ringing in my head regarding medical problems. Unless you are certain that others in his religion would act in similar ways, I'd recommend trying to have a chat with a GP about things.

And IF this is something somewhat consistent with his religion then I suggest you should try talking with someone in a leadership position about your concerns and difficulties. If they are reasonable they will help you both towards more sensible outcomes. If they are not then I'm afraid that would be a big flashing warning sign to think about getting out, to be honest.

Good luck moving things in a positive direction and I hope it is for the both of you!

[LaurieFairyCake]

We're both Christians and whenever 'God' tells us something (usually in reality a strong feeling to move in one direction) we test it out with reality because God gave us questioning, rational minds that don't do bullshit.

God also generally wants partnerships and families to work so anything that might be difficult for that needs a lot of research, compromise and agreement.

Also, it's possible to ignore God and not do what he wants to lead you to. I know (and my dh/ mil/sil's) that my dh is supposed to be a minister. As a family we've been ignoring this for more than ten years as we wanted a family and to have careers too. Eventually we will probably do it but only once we've paid off the mortgage, got children through uni.

For the devoutly religious my post is probably heresy (or down right weird/ stupid) if not religious but I just wanted to put forward a liberal Christian view.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I'm a Christian and believe in God. But no where does it say we have to be irrational and move our family on one thought dropping into your head during prayer. Also we would be strong on family doing your best for them spending your money wisely honouring their opinions etc. Don't entertain this and if he does it around other decisions he is either manipulating you or has a mental illness. Using God to get your own way is against the commandment that's says do not use the name of the Lord your God in vain. I wouldn't even entertain it.

[froubylou]

The town he wants you to move to sounds like my town would be described. Does it begin with R?

Your H sounds like my stepdad did. He is a cunt who used God as a tool to do whatever the fuck he wanted to. He genuinely believed his God had spoken to him. But the problem was he only heard God when he wanted to hear what He had to say.

He also had several breakdowns in the time he was married to my dm. God featured pretty heavily before and after each breakdown.

[Dellarobia]

I think the religious aspect is a red herring here.

Think about the fact that he has refused to move and refused to discuss it for the last year just because he "likes living near his friends". What a childish reason! To me, that's far more of an issue than this religious thing. Why does he get to decide? That's not how partnerships work!

Maybe counselling or a marriage course would help improve his communication or compromise skills?

[Costacoffeeplease]

I couldn't stay married to someone this religious, of any faith, and especially when he used it to manipulate me. If you're going to stay, then ignore all decrees from on high

[JonSnowsBeardClippings]

Why do his wishes supersede yours op?

[tippytap]

Crikey, OP.

I won't say LTB, but with such differing religious views, I'm wondering how your relationship works. I absolutely couldn't live with someone who 'heard' God. Let alone make life choices based on this.

[DaintyHippo]

Is he physically hearing God not just getting a thought?
If so and there are any other worrying behaviours a visit to the gp could be necessary.
Having experienced similar with a family member, it worsened over years and ultimately ended up requiring intervention and antipsychotic medication, family member is now doing well but it would have been a much easier process with earlier support.

[Summerlovinf]

Tell him when God starts paying the mortgage then he gets a say in where you live.

[redannie118]

This is probably not going to be popular, but is his mental health ok? If he wanted to make a totally irrational life choice for you and your family because, dress ir up how you like "the voices in his head told him so " I would want him checked out by a professional

[BartholinsSister]

No wonder there is so much suffering in the world - God is too busy working out where Mumofawoodlouseeater's DH should live.

[peggyundercrackers]

I would struggle if someone wanted me to do something based on messages God sent to them. I'm a Christian and go to church regularly but even I would be wary of someone telling me God was sending them messages.

I'm also worried your family seem tied by what your DH/God wants. I think that's outright manipulation and a form of bullying.

[Cagliostro]

very manipulative.

[ricketytickety]

I'd be concerned that he can't rationalise the message with the reality of life. It's either him being controlling or mentally ill. Does he show signs of either/both?