Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

couples counselling with 'ex' ea husband

(38 Posts)
rememberthetime Fri 13-May-16 17:34:14

I am finally after 16 years of ea leaving my marriage but in a last ditch attempt to make me question myself he has asked me to attend a counseling session with him. The aim being to talk through how it might work and if there is anything salvageable.
In a normal situation this might be sensible but I believe this to be a chance for him to have another expert explain to me that I dint know my own mind.
I know the wise thing to do woukd be to refuse to go. But I have had counselling myself and feel very much stronger and how to be able to see through any bs. Plus there's a chance the counsellor might get what I am going through and agree a split is best.
So what are the tips for the session. Should I prepare in some way. How do I avoid him taking over.
Btw. He has been in therapy himself and is very much improved but refuses to accept blame for his behaviour and always wants me to see my part in it. To me that is not taking responsibility and hence the reason i refuse to accept he is cured.
Session is on Monday . Need urgent advice.

WellErrr Fri 13-May-16 17:38:55

No counsellor worth their fee will see a couple together where one half is abusive.

Don't go b

WellErrr Fri 13-May-16 17:39:06

Meant to be a full stop...!

pocketsaviour Fri 13-May-16 17:40:53

I know the wise thing to do woukd be to refuse to go.
So why be unwise?

Hissy Fri 13-May-16 17:40:54

NEVER, EVER EVER enter into counselling with an abuser.

He will charm and recruit the counsellor and use them to beat you down more.

Cancel the therapy session, or call and express your concern, given his abusive nature.
Afaik, Relate won't counsel couples where abuse is suspected.

(Sorry for the caps)

But... ABUSERS ARENT CURED. THEY KNOW THEY ARE ENTITLED TO CONTROL YOU, AND WONT EVER GIVE IT UP

Minimise, denial and blame. That's all they do,miss part of they use, so they can abuse you some more

Hissy Fri 13-May-16 17:41:41

It's part, not miss

timelytess Fri 13-May-16 17:41:41

Does it matter whether he's 'improved' or not? Sixteen years of ea is enough. Don't go.

FeckOfffCup Fri 13-May-16 17:43:20

Never been in this situation myself, but I've heard a few times that any form of mediation/counselling with an abusive partner is strongly advised against.
Do you actually want to go, or do you feel you should because of him pressuring you? Do you feel that the relationship is salvageable? You sound like it's taken a lot of your strength to get this far with regards to leaving him. I really wouldn't go. It sounds like he will try to regain some control of you and blame you for the abuse.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Fri 13-May-16 17:43:31

What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

A sudden realisation from him that he is to blame?
Validation from the counsellor that you're right to leave?

You don't need either to end the marriage. flowers

I wouldn't go.

rememberthetime Fri 13-May-16 17:51:58

I feel like I have to go. By not going I am offering him the chance to tell everyone including the kids that I wouldn't try. But by going I am opening myself up to more abuse. I have certainly been coerced into itand hope I can just go and show my face and say there I tried.
I have no expectation of getting any kind of acceptance from him. I gave up on that long ago.
I just dint think I can avoid it. He even knows that counselling with an abuser is wrong but he says he wouldn't dream of being abusive any more. He is very knowledgeable about ea and controlling behaviour and knows the right things to say.
Not sounding good is it?

rememberthetime Fri 13-May-16 17:55:13

My counsellor says to remain strong and to keep focused on my needs. She also wants me to point out every abusive statement. I am good at seeing it these days. I hope I can do that.
He says he is looking forward to it. I bet he is.

BeautifulMaudOHara Fri 13-May-16 17:55:58

Don't go! You don't have to!

LittleMissBossyBoots Fri 13-May-16 17:59:40

Don't go.

mmmkayyyy Fri 13-May-16 18:01:13

Don't go. Who cares what he tells people? You don't need a reason to leave him. You know the truth.

BombadierFritz Fri 13-May-16 18:06:24

You dont need a reason to leave
You dont need permission to leave
Just cancel

DoreenLethal Fri 13-May-16 18:07:08

I have certainly been coerced into it

Yes.

Does your counsellor recommend you going?

FeckOfffCup Fri 13-May-16 18:08:03

It doesn't sound good, no. It sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing, and bollocks has he changed. You don't need to try at anything OP. He abused you. Still is, or at least attempting to. What he did isn't your fault and it's not your responsibility to try to 'fix' the relationship. The breakdown of the relationship is his fault for abusing you flowers and you owe him nothing.

Offred Fri 13-May-16 18:08:35

If anyone repeats his crap about you not trying I would simply reply 'well, I'm sorry he feels that way.' And move on. If no-one tells you what he is saying or if people believe his crap it is fortunate for you because he has shown you they are no friends of yours!

Offred Fri 13-May-16 18:11:40

And if you go he will still talk crap to other people about you. It will just be 'she was really hurtful, I tried to fix things, she said xyz horrible thing/wouldn't engage with xyz'

You have it much better by not going at all I think in terms of what people will think because 'why would you go to counselling with an abuser?'

KittyKrap Fri 13-May-16 18:11:58

I was offered mediation during my divorce from an EA man. I refused to go along with him and explained why. I still had to attend (at a cost to myself...ggr) but alone and told her why mediation wouldn't work in my case. Ridiculous. Refuse and explain why.

AnyFucker Fri 13-May-16 18:14:02

So you know it is unwise and recommended but you are still trying to appease an emotional abuser

Have a good think about that, love

AnyFucker Fri 13-May-16 18:14:13

not recommended

LilaTheTiger Fri 13-May-16 18:16:15

Good god, don't go. Who cares what he says? "She didn't want to try." "No, that's right, I'd had enough."

Just cancel this farce which is a sop to his ego, keeps you under his control, and no one can see helping YOU with anything at all.

The Freedom Project is excellent and you can do it online.

rememberthetime Fri 13-May-16 18:21:10

You are all right of course. No my counsellor doesn't recommend it but had said she understands it is hard for me to refuse. I guess I am just still scared. I keep thinking I can hold my own. Is that really possible.
He will be home soon but I can uodate tomorrow. I need to think about this.

Hissy Fri 13-May-16 18:29:32

Call the therapy provider and ask about their competence in counselling where abuse is present.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now