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Am I doing anything wrong here?(7 Posts)
NC for this, but I’m a regular.
Been with my DH 5 years, married a year. No major issues in our relationship and very much in love.
DH works away at lot and when he does, I play a game relating to my hobby through FB – I play against lots of people, both men and women. The game has a messenger function and about a month ago a man I was playing against messaged me because he’d recently moved to my city and wanted to know the best places to go out. I asked him why he’d moved here and he said that he’d moved for a relationship, which hadn’t worked out. I told him that I was sorry to hear that and he asked me whether I was single too. I said no, that I was “very happily married” to which he responded, “cool!”
Anyhow, we continued chatting about our shared hobby and our life experiences in general – it transpired that we had a ridiculous amount in common and I really enjoyed our conversations - I didn’t know anyone IRL who was as passionate about my hobby as he was and we had a similar sense of humour – it got to the point where we were exchanging dozens of messages a day, all purely platonic, but nonetheless at a far higher volume than I am used to exchanging with other friends. From his profile picture I’d say he’s attractive, but nowhere near as much as my DH is to me. DH knew about our conversations and wasn’t remotely fazed by them – he has loads of platonic female friends too (who are also my friends) and he was happy for me that I had someone to talk to about my hobby - something which he has a passing interest in, although it’s not something that truly engages him IYSWIM. DH and I also have heaps in common, albeit in other areas…
Earlier today this FB man asked me if I had WhatsApp, so that he could message me outside the context of the game, which can be quite slow at times. I told him (honestly) that I didn’t have it. Anyway, tonight he messages me and says he has a confession, and “please don’t judge me” - he is in fact living with a woman, although at the point where originally he told me that he was single, they were going through a bad patch, which is now hopefully resolved. I replied that I wasn’t a judgmental person and that I was glad that they’d worked things out. We then carried on talking about our hobby as usual. …
But since this, it’s really unnerved me that he felt the need to reveal this as a “confession” – almost like our conversations were all a prelude to us hooking up in his eyes, but suddenly he felt guilty about misleading me. I have never been unfaithful to DH and never would be – I consider myself incredibly lucky to have finally settled down with a wholly trustworthy, wonderful man after umpteen negative relationships throughout my 20s and early 30s.
I don’t want to lose this FB man as a friend / contact, especially as it seems that there is a definite possibility that he could offer me paid work in relation to our shared interest (which I am desperately in need of). However, in no way do I wish to be disrespectful to either my husband or this man’s girlfriend, and given the way he’s lied about his relationship for the past month, I now think that I might have been naïve about his intentions towards me. Am I overthinking things? What would you do if you were in my position?
I would back away from anyone who lied to me about their relationship status. I can't think of a single acceptable reason in a platonic friendship to want to lie about it - unless he was after more. Dozens of messages a day is very full on - I don't share that many with my actual friends. I completely appreciate that you were purely friends only - but I don't think he was.
Having had my share of experiences with 'men on tinterweb' I wouldn't even be surprised if he had bumped up his interest in the hobby to keep talking to you.
In your position I would leave well alone. He lied to someone he has never met about something important. Unless he was trying to take it further with you why would he lie about his relationship status?
Do I think you are doing anything wrong? Other than being a little naïve, no. But I think he definitely is.
Thanks, you've basically confirmed what I was thinking.
My "hobby" is in fact his profession and wider google searches on my part confirm this, so I don't think that he was bumping up his interest to keep talking to me.
However, I've lost a lot of respect for him knowing that he has been concealing his relationship for the past month!
He was probably hedging his bets and might have pursued things with you if you had shown any willingness. Personally, I think you should cool things off a bit now. Cut down on the amount of texts that are exchanged between you and let things settle into a more normal friendship. Once things are on more of an even footing then you can consider what to do about taking on any paid work with him.
Some distance between you now, to establish firm boundaries, is required.
Definitely back off. Tell your DH everything.
Your husband should be told. If this was flipped & you discovered him doing the same, what would you think??
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