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My baby and the Other Woman

(102 Posts)
Hubnut Thu 12-May-16 22:35:20

I found out partner of ten years was cheating 4 weeks ago. He'd known her all of 6 weeks (I found his emails to her). I kicked him out and he's living with her. We have an 18 month old baby together. He wants access this Sunday. I'm sickened at the thought of him taking our child to see his girlfriend. I've asked him not to - he says he wont but clearly he's completely untrustworthy. This is worsened by the fact that me and this other woman exchanged a series of very unpleasant texts as I found her number on his phone. I have this fear that she might pinch him, be mean to him when his dad isn't looking just to spite me :-(

He says she's a nice person but that's not been my experience and really he's only know her for a couple of months. She does have a teenage daughter, but that doesn't qualify you as a nice person does it?

The whole situation has been a nightmare of me lurching from sad, angry, positive. I now have this anxious feeling in my stomach about possibility of this woman being with my baby.

Any help or advice?

Coldtoeswarmheart Thu 12-May-16 22:38:51

Someone more helpful might come along in a mo. Bumping for you.

coffeeisnectar Thu 12-May-16 22:46:40

Your partner has been an utter tosser but (I'm trying really hard to be kind and gentle so apologies if I come across as anything other) you need to separate your relationship with him and his relationship with his child.

You cannot control what he does when he sees the dc. You cannot demand who he visits or where he goes. You CAN offer visitation at your home instead of him removing the child from the family home but he is within his rights to refuse that and ask to take the dc out.

I doubt very much whether the other woman would pinch your baby or try to hurt him. She may have had a relationship with a man who wasn't available but that doesn't make her an evil person. Certainly doesn't turn her into a child abuser.

I can't make any other suggestion other than don't make demands to your ex about his contact with his child. You will have years of this to go through, contact will change as your son grows and his needs change. Right now offer him a few hours on one day each weekend and let that progress naturally to suit your childs needs.

MerryDickCrack Thu 12-May-16 22:49:56

Also bumping for you.
I'm so sorry. What a shit situation. I really am despairing of these men who think they can just do as they please and fuck you, the woman who carried their children, gave birth, did everything because hey, now child makes a nice accessory for a day out.
My twat ex tries to use my dcs as done sort of sexual lubricant for whatever woman he can get. Thinks he's more chance doing the doting dad routine than letting them see fully what a twat he is.
No advice really, I haven't found a way to stop it happening with mine. Unless you stop contact or insist on it being in your home. 💐💐

SnoozeButtonAbuser Thu 12-May-16 22:51:13

I understand that fear but I really don't think she'd harm the baby, assuming she's a relatively normal person and not a proper psychopath. She will bloody love playing happy families and everybody loves babies. To ease your mind though, would it be possible for him to look after the baby with you there for the first few times? So it's kind of 'family time' like the baby will be used to? I know she has said horrible things to you, and is a horrible person for shagging someone she shouldn't have but your dh is worse for what he's done - it doesn't mean he or she would harm the baby. That's a completely, completely different level of being a horrible person!

Scottishthreeberry16 Thu 12-May-16 22:54:59

I can absolutely see your viewpoint. You don't know this woman. Would you give your child to just anyone without knowing them or them having childcare qualifications? What if the child firms an attachment and they split soon afterwards? I think you could argue for her not seeing your baby until it's an established relationship.

Hubnut Thu 12-May-16 23:01:02

I sort of know it's an irrational worry - but it's not impossible. Ten weeks isn't long to get to know someone, six of those was them just meeting at lunchtimes and the odd hour here and there.

When I kicked him out and found out he'd moved in with her I said something along the lines of she must be a crap mum to move a man she doesn't know into her house after six weeks (I was so hurt and furious as she knew about me and baby) - she didn't like that and has since texted me a few times to share details of what he has said to her about my "flaws". Who does that? Surely she must know she is in the wrong and I was legitimately angry? I've not messaged her since that first night, three weeks later I get another spiteful text out of the blue??

In time I accept that she might be present with my baby. But I'd rather wait and see if the relationship lasts. They've kind of been thrown together cos I found out and kicked him out. He's already hinting at it not lasting - but fucks knows what his agenda is. Twatty bastard cockface.

Hubnut Thu 12-May-16 23:02:17

Oh and I've offered use of the old family home (that I am currently living in) and I will make myself scarce for the day.

She sounds like an absolute douche canoe. It's probably petty but I wouldn't let her anywhere near my child, and if ex was adamant, I'd do my best not to let him anywhere near the child either.

ChipperCharlie Thu 12-May-16 23:06:59

I don't think you're being irrational at all. I'd want to go through the courts before I allowed him to take my baby to OW. Like you say, 10 weeks isn't long enough.

I feel exactly the same as you. Ovaries summed it up well for me.

Hubnut Thu 12-May-16 23:07:32

Oh I like" douche canoe" ovaries

I think she has a hole in her soul, who acts like that??

newname99 Thu 12-May-16 23:21:51

Difficult as I understand your concerns.Is this the first time your ex sees your child since the split? How long was agreed for Sunday?

Do you have any concerns with his parenting? I actually think he will be in full on Disney mode to show her what a wonderful dad he is.

I think your comment about her being a bad mother touched a nerve so that's why she has reacted to you.

Pity her, she will not be able to look back with pride on her behaviour..She is selfish and most likely gullible and naive.

My dad's mum did this, when dsd was 12.It was horrible for her and she doesn't have much respect for her mum.You won't have to judge her because others will.

Iknownuffink Thu 12-May-16 23:35:16

Is it possible to arrange for xtwat to have contact with baby at baby's paternal grandparents?

ToadsforJustice Thu 12-May-16 23:41:08

I wouldn't give either of them the time of day. Don't facilitate contact. Let him take you to court. He is a faithless twat and she is not a nice person. They are emotional bankrupts that can fuck off.

princessbeer Fri 13-May-16 08:28:48

What a bloody horrible situation for you to be in, OP.
I know he's your baby's dad but I think I'd postpone any access.
He sounds like an absolute shit.

Makesomethingupyouprick Fri 13-May-16 08:35:31

I really, really feel for you OP and it's not unreasonable to have asked him to not introduce the baby to his GF for a while.

Don't refuse contact because of it though.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 13-May-16 09:00:26

Has he actually said what his plans are?

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 13-May-16 09:08:35

Op love i completely understand how you are feeling. My ex has been with ow for 3 months now and is actually fighting me to introduce her to my kids (2 1/2 and 10 weeks old)
I have been going to a lawyer and we have actually made it a term of him seeing his kids. He does not introduce her to the kids until I believe it's a committed relationship (he left me at 32 weeks pregnant so I don't see him committing to her if he could leave me at that)
My ex has to see my son at his parents and when he takes him out he has to have someone with him either a parent or sister. This is because he can't look after ds on his own.
If it really worries you get it in writing that it is a condition of him seeing you child. That way you aren't refusing contact and your mind is at ease smile

Buddahbelly Fri 13-May-16 09:12:07

Op you need proper advice from someone but my cousin was in the same situation, she had a daughter (6) and a 1 year old ds when he partner left her for someone else.

Hell would have froze over before she let the other woman meet her children, she rang for advice (think she may have got legal advice through her work, but you can ring citizen's advice to see where you stand). she was told because the youngest was under 3 she has full responsibility and it not entitled to hand over her child (yours is even younger!) .

You are allowed to offer contact at your house if you want to. But I completely agree with you regarding 10 weeks being far too soon, I know women who've not let their kids meet the other woman a year down the line still.

If he refuses the contact at your house then ask him to take you to mediation or go through the courts (if he suggests it, he pays). Let him do all the running, you've done nothing wrong. Has he even made any effort in the last 4 weeks to come and see his daughter, or has he been playing happy families with her?

Id also consider saving her texts and having them logged with the police should anything arise in the future. as sadly has happened with my cousin and the only reason she is where she is today is because she logged every negative thing. her ex no longer sees his children through his own choice as he has refused mediation and has basically given up! good luck OP.

Pootles2010 Fri 13-May-16 09:16:13

Wow hurt I am amazed you were allowed to make that a condition. He is just as much a parent as you, as much as he has been a dick to you.

And frankly OP, you text her saying she was a bad mum? Then wondered 'what sort of a person' sends back mean texts?

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 13-May-16 09:21:39

Pootles - yeah he is as much as a parent but introducing ow to kids so early on is not having the kids best interest in mind.
I have made it a condition for me too so it's not like I am saying if I meet someone else I will bring them into the kids life I have no inclination to do that at all. So I also made it in the lawyers letter that I wouldn't introduce anyone until I had been with them min a year and he got to meet them first before the kids.

Pootles2010 Fri 13-May-16 09:29:50

No i agree, and I would agree that its better to wait. But, I don't understand why you get to make the conditions?

I'm not having a go at all, I agree that this is best for the kids, just suprised that you can make conditions, iyswim. I would have thought you would have to prove that that person is abusive, for example. Just curious really.

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 13-May-16 09:48:06

No didn't have to prove it in any way I just explained the situation to the lawyer. I also get to make conditions as he has been in and out of the kids life for the past 4 months, took his paternity leave didn't see either of his kids. Been abusive to me he can take me to court and fight it but until he does that's what the lawyer has put to his lawyer.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 13-May-16 09:54:32

Lawyers letters/condition (solicitors as I'm in uk) are not even legally binding

Only courts can make enforceable rules.... Courts, not a solicitors letter!!

Oh, and what was that rubbish spouted unthread about ' her having full responsibility as child is under 3 years' !?!

He's an equal parent and that child in the middle has a legal right to a relationship with BOTH parents

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 13-May-16 10:05:29

No one has said stop him seeing the children have they? No
Surely you can see that introducing a new partner at such a short space of time is not having the kids best interest at heart? Surely he should be spending one on one time with the child due to the fact he's went from being there 24/7 to seeing the kids one day a week?

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