Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ex friend sneering at me in public(34 Posts)
I posted this a few months ago: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2602988-dealing-with-ex-best-friend-who-refuses-to-speak-to-me
For brevity's sake, my ex best friend stopped speaking to me spontaneously and cut me out of her life after helping me break up with my ex partner. I later found out she had become friends with my ex and had him as an usher at her wedding to someone she met and got married to very quickly. My OP ended when she turned up as a regular contractor at my work (even though I had moved to a different town) and continued to completely ignore me. I was (still am) unsure what I am perceived to have done and it's been years now.
After a month of not speaking to me at all at work, to my relief she got moved and stopped coming in to my particular office but stayed in the building. But to my horror now I am seeing her much more as she seems to have moved to the same (small) village as me and her behaviour has become more aggressive.
When I see her, she laughs. It's a pitying laugh as if I am perpetually walking around with my skirt tucked into my knickers, or if there is a secret I don't know about, or just a joke she has with herself about me. It's when she passes me in the corridor at work, or on the street, or in our local pub. It's a small community so this is frequent - maybe once a week. It's this sneery laugh as if I am the butt of a longstanding joke and she can't hold it in when she sees me. She is often with one or more other women who she also draws into the laughing - whatever it's about - and they often all giggle. They look at me, then hide behind their hands as if they are trying to stifle their laughter or being discreet but failing. It is like being bullied at school and is very goady.
One of these times I actually confronted her in the middle of a laughing fit and asked her what her problem was. She looked at me and looked round at her friends as if she didn't know who I was or who I was addressing (of course she did) and as If I was a mad woman and then said "nothing" with a baffled face like she was rather taken aback by being talked to at all. Then she talked about it very loudly with the people she was with as I walked away, something along the lines of "what is WRONG with some people? Pathetic!"
Yet the laughing and sneering continues, even worse now that I have reacted. I feel like I'm going mad. How should I be handling it? What should I be doing when she does it? I feel like I am 12 again.
Every time she does it, laugh to yourself and walk away. She's looking for a reaction from you and it'll piss her off if she doesn't get the desired one. Seriously, how old is she? 12?
Sounds awful - if at work could you talk to hr ? X
Kick her in the fanjo. Claim it was an accidental muscle spasm caused by an allergy to passive aggression.
Wow how immature of her. I had this with a woman, also in the company of her little clique. It stopped when I lost it and confronted her alone. She didn't have an audience and it was just me and her. She never uttered a word to me again.
I'd say continued to ignore her because all she wants is a reaction and reason to tell her mates how 'crazy' you are. I can understand it's frustrating.
I'd give her one of these personally
Roll your eyes and keep walking. Or smile and wave merrily.
Sounds awful OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this
Personally I'd do the same right back at her. What a pathetic bitch.
If she behaves like this at your place of work, you need to go straight to HR.
If she does it in your village just ignore her. Look through her. Pretend she is not there.
This is a form of bullying. She sounds deranged to me. Just ignore it.
She's looking for a reaction. Don't give her one.
Either pretend she's not there.
Or if you end up in a social situation where you can't avoid her then treat her perfectly normally. It will drive her demented.
pocketsaviour has given you the ultimate advice. What a knobber she is. Of course she's seeking a reaction.
it never fails to amaze me how some people behave. This says much, much more about her than it does about you. She is a sad, insecure woman and a bully to boot. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Smile and look happy with your life, it will drive her round the bend.
so sorry you are going through this.
Who are you usually with when she does this? Can you speak to them about what's happening?
Next time just bob your tongue out and pop your thumb on your nose <ner ner ner ner> style....
Or blow a big kiss
Go up to her all gushingly friendly and ask her how she is cos you haven't seen her in ages and you MUST have a coffee soon, blah blah .... with a smirk on your face
Sounds like your ex has been filling her with poison about you. Did you never ask her why she turned on you? An ex of mine did the same thing to me and the twits bought his bs. I would send her an email demanding why shes switched so radically.
Sorry but I would have chinned her a LONG time ago!
Kill her with kindness, be all cheery and nice, "Hi ex, how are you?" Baffle the fuck out of her and who ever shes with.
Keep a diary of every time it happens at work and report her to HR. What a cow.
as this coincides with your ex being an usher at her wedding , i'd be asking her what he said about you. Might be he attributed nasty lies about her as coming out of your mouth.
To be honest if she is going so far as to find get a job where you work and to have moved to the small village where you live then I think this is probably more serious than anything your ex may have said about you. Regardless of how this behaviour began it is now out of hand and beyond the realms of "normal" behaviour.
I have dealt with and am still dealing with one of these women. It is so hard to express to others what is happening without coming across as incredibly petty. Made all the harder by not knowing exactly what is being said. It becomes impossible to defend yourself against. My advice would be to deal with it sooner rather than later and it could be worth a chat with your local PC, the police are more aware of the effects of harassment these days.
In my case the perpetrator is emailing my ex and my kids in the middle of the night with lies about me and threats so I have a fair idea of the type of vile lies she is telling others. I am keeping these as evidence but I think police involvement may actually make things worse with my tormentor, she thrives on drama of any kind.
I wish you luck and please don't let this make you too cynical. I will never trust anyone enough to call them a friend after my experience and I think that that is the worst thing she has done to me.
On a lighter note an older relative of mine had something very similar with a "friend" of hers years ago. She was out in town with my mother when they came across this horrible bully of a woman with her clique. They started the usual whispering and giggling at which point my relative marched up to this woman and said "hello Pat (her name was Sue) long time no see! How is Frank doing? He is out of prison now isn't he? (Husbands name is Dave). Oh that is good at least you won't have to do that escorting stuff anymore, Cath told me all the antibiotics were playing havoc with your system! Oh God, tell me you haven't changed your name again? I hope I haven't blown your cover!" Mum says she (relative) kept a big smile on her face and didn't stop for breath, then she turned on her heel leaving the bully bright red and speechless and all her mates gasping like fish! In her defence she had put up with it for a very long time and it was the final straw.
It is bullying. If it's happening in the workplace you should report to HR. Keep a record of everything as well.
Very odd that she works at the same place as you and now lives in the same village, I'd be inclined to think that she has done this on purpose.
The lengths some people will go to to harass others. They must lead very sad and lonely lives.
Thank you all for replies.
It's possible that things could change again soon. She moves around a lot, and could never really hold down a job for long. So I'm hoping she'll be out of my work soon, or out of the village.
Regardless, I am still in a dilemma because I swing between wanting to know what it is that has made her behave in such a viscious way to me, and thinking that I should continue to ignore. I can say hand on heart that I have never said or done anything that could have upset her. I was scrupulous in my loyalty, hence how long it took me to actually realise that she did not have my best interests at heart like I had hers. I complained about my ex and I'm quite sure they were not friends at the time. It could be that she is retrospectively taking offence at what I said about him now that she IS friends with him. Or maybe it's all him. Maybe he has said something so catastrophically awful and made it sound like the words had come out of my mouth. If so, I would want to know.
The dilemma is whether I should invest any more time in trying to find out why she is behaving in this way. I asked her best friend, I asked her sister, I asked mutual friends of ours. They are all unclear and they all say something along the lines of "oh, you know what she's like..." What does that even mean?! That she just takes against people randomly? Is it possible that a grown woman can turn in a matter of weeks to launch such a sustained campaign of hatred/bullying against someone who was their best friend weeks before, for no reason?
The only thing I can think of is that I had to go to a different town to work for a few weeks, and ours was the kind of friendship where we saw each other every day. Was it simply that I was not around or she felt abandoned/angry? Surely if she is this volatile and co-dependent it will be happening in other areas of her life too and other people would be aware of it?
How would I report this to the police? She moved to my village and when she sees me she laughs at me? It's so hard to justify.
There are so many unknowns. What damage is she doing to my reputation if she and other women treat me like this in public? My reputation at work and in the place that I live? It is a constant battle between feeling I must take action but then realising that any reaction I have will make her worse and encourage her more.
if you can get advice from the police without starting any action against her right now , then that may give you some info to decide what is best to do.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.