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Is DP right?

(15 Posts)
JFSB Thu 12-May-16 13:55:14

I've name changed for this as I've posted previously about something that may link this problem to my normal username.

Here goes,

I have been with DP for 1 year now, all going relatively well, both divorced with DC. We have not discussed introducing DC yet as this is the first serious relationship for both of us since our divorces. Due to work and family commitments we can't see each other as often as we'd like so I guess you could say our relationship may not be at the same stage as another couple who have been together for a year.

There is an age gap between us, I am 29 and he is 44. When we first met he kept going on about how he couldn't believe how lucky he was and he didn't understand why I chose to chase him. His age was never a factor for me and I think he put a lot more thought into than I did.

I'm rambling now, just before DP and I met, I lost a friend in very tragic circumstances. Myself and the friends and family of my friend are on the very long road to justice. I don't want to go into the circumstances of my friends death as the rights and wrongs are already being discussed at length by many around the country.

When I use the term we I mean myself, the friends and family, lawyers and politicians involved in this campaign. For many of us we are facing something we have no experience in and are having to ask for help from various people we may never have came into contact with.

Anyway on to the problem, due to the current circumstances I am finding myself with less free time as I am taking advice from others. In order to do this I have been having meetings, phone calls and emails from people who I see as being kind enough to help us. DP sees this very differently. He seems almost convinced that the men involved must have ulterior motives.

DP and I communicate through text a lot in the evenings, I've had meetings lately and feel it's very rude to be texting him when these people have been nice enough to help me. I do always tell him beforehand that I will be busy and he says it's ok and to let him know how I've got on etc but when I do reply to him he's in a mood!

He will then ask questions about the person I've been meeting and if they are married, what do they look like, how old are they and what was their name etc. I think he may be looking them up.

On Friday DP and I had plans to spend the weekend away together, I told him weeks beforehand I wouldn't be free until later on in the evening as I had another meeting to attend. He was fine with this and went for a drink before we met for dinner, we met up and had a good evening. There was some question about the meeting but nothing like the texts I get when we are not together.

Later on in the evening I received a text, my phone was on the side table in our hotel room and DP saw the message. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was from the man I had met and it was along the lines of it has been lovely to meet me and there was an x at the end.

DP lost it and started asking questions about if I had said anything about him to this man and the man had been disrepectful by texting when he knew we were going to be together and he was obviously interested in me and that I had put myself in a dangerous situation meeting with strange men.

I am not proud of myself but I retaliated back that of course I hadn't mentioned my relationship status as it was irrelevant and to stop being so stupid and treating me like his ex wife, she cheated and that's why he divorced her. I am not proud of myself for these comments. Anyway, I hadn't been drinking so I left and went home before anymore could come of the argument.

Since that night things have been very frosty between us, he has apologised for his behaviour but says I need to realise I am not helping him with his fears with my actions.

Apologies for the very long OP but I wanted to get all the facts out there before asking, is DP right? Am I taking the piss?

sunnyoutside Thu 12-May-16 13:57:55

No. You aren't taking the piss. They are his issues. Not yours.

Twitterqueen Thu 12-May-16 13:58:06

This relationship is going nowhere. He is controlling, mistrustful and manipulative.

sunnyoutside Thu 12-May-16 13:59:59

But Twitter he loves this almost stranger more than anyone ever! And he has said he could be a father for about 3 years before he walks away. He's a catch wink

sunnyoutside Thu 12-May-16 14:00:43

Wrong thread blush I am so so sorry op blush

TimeforaNNChange Thu 12-May-16 14:06:18

He's got baggage, like many of us post divorce.

It sounds like your life is busy and stressful at the moment, and you're not in a position to help him unpack his baggage and deal with it together right now. That's no ones fault and he shouldn't expect you to.

Would he consider counselling (on his own) to deal with things, and build up his trust in you? My DH and I have loads of baggage between us, some we've worked through together, but others, we've dealt with separately with professional support.

Good luck.

TheNaze73 Thu 12-May-16 14:11:21

He's been an idiot. If he's not happy, he should walk, not whinge

JFSB Thu 12-May-16 14:15:09

Don't worry about it Sunny!

Time, I am about to start counselling on my own to deal with issues I have been having after my friends death. I am unsure if DP would be open to the idea, it may be worth suggesting but I doubt he would got for it. He seems to bottle things up and then blow up.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 12-May-16 14:15:48

I doubt she cheated on him, more likely the ex wife ran cause he was too controlling, I suggest you do the same

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 12-May-16 14:15:55

This relationship needs to end. I would now inform him that this is not working for you any more but wish him all the best for the future. You owe him nothing really.

And no you are not taking the p. He is being controlling and is also trying abdicate responsibility and in turn blame you for his own behaviour. You are not responsible for the actions of another person. These are all red flags when it comes to relationships.

Controlling behaviour like his is abusive. Its about power and control. He wants to put you in a cage of his own paranoid making. His own paranoia re he thinking that you are going to run off with any other man is not of your making.

You met him as well when you were feeling very low, he targeted you OP and has honed in accordingly on you.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (this man is in those pages) and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom programme to further strengthen your own boundaries.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 12-May-16 14:16:26

Anyway in should still be the honeymoon period this all seems like hard work.

Cabrinha Thu 12-May-16 14:22:05

I'm sorry for your loss and the obvious additional pain surrounding that flowers

This man does not sound good.
If it was a single incidence feeling wobbly because of his past and seeing a man putting a "x" (loads of men just casually do that now!) I might say - talk to him, set boundaries, give him a chance to deal with his issues. (Note: his to deal with)

But he is moody with you when you've been offline for meetings too. That's not a normal wobble. That's deliberately punishing and manipulative behaviour. I don't think this one's a keeper.

Good luck with your campaign flowers

PeppermintPasty Thu 12-May-16 14:24:58

I agree with pp, this relationship sounds like it's not going anywhere. I feel suffocated just thinking about it.

Be careful about investing too much in this man.

Kidnapped Thu 12-May-16 14:36:10

"When we first met he kept going on about how he couldn't believe how lucky he was and he didn't understand why I chose to chase him".

Is that how it actually happened? Did you really chase him and he reluctantly gave in to you? Or was it more a mutual thing like most relationships? Just seems an odd thing to say and maybe indicative of how he perceives ordinary things in quite a skewed way.

You cannot live your life around his fears and insecurities. It is telling that he actually wants you to adapt your life to this but he won't deal with any of his fears and securities himself. And he feels that your frosty relationship at the moment is down to you and not him.

Not worth pursuing at all. Just feel happy that the kids haven't been involved. Because he'd resent the time you spent with your own children as well in time. You know that, right?

JFSB Thu 12-May-16 14:48:35

I was coming back to write a long post about how he's not that bad and how I did chase him and how horrible his ex wife was to him but Kidnapped has hit the nail on the head.

If this campaign that is so important to me is becoming a problem to him it won't be too long before my DC are too. I cannot and will not let that happen.

Thank you ladies, I know what I have to do.

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