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My husband is so f*cking miserable.

(50 Posts)
EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 11:49:27

He works, I'm a SAHM. We are both stressed and tired but he thinks he's the only one, doesn't occur to him that I could be equally as stressed and tired. He has, THE most difficult life. Nobody could understand. Not even me, who worked longer, later shifts than him in the same place. He NEEDS to play at least 2 hours of minecraft after getting home at midnight (he walks, for 30 mins but still needs 2 HOURS of gaming to "wind down". It's unthinkable to come home, get showered, have a snack and watch something on to for half an hour, then go to bed. And he absolutely can't get up at 10am.
And then there's the day to day stuff. We can't jokingly have a dig at each other in public, someone he knows might hear. We can't stop at the bench in tesco to write a card, someone he knows might see. We can't just pick up a disposable bbq and enjoy the weather because "what if" a million stupid things. I'm too loud, he's embarrassed by me in public (I speak loudly but I'm not obnoxious, I don't cause anybody else embarrassment, I just talk loudly and laugh loudly).

He's so fucking miserable!!

All0vertheplace Thu 12-May-16 11:58:19

It's more than just 'miserable' -- it's controlling. There seems to be a hefty amount of anxiety in him (what will others think? what will they say?) and it is spilling over into you. Have you told him how he's making you feel?

angelslie Thu 12-May-16 12:00:37

talk to him this is not normal. was he always like this?

OTheHugeManatee Thu 12-May-16 12:01:25

Could he be depressed? The anxiety does not sound normal.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 12-May-16 12:05:24

Yes he's very anxious and stressed isn't he? I think you can acknowledge that, but insist he takes steps to try and sort it out, because the way he is dealing with it now is not acceptable to you.

Hillfarmer Thu 12-May-16 12:07:25

I had this. He behaviour is controlling you. It is aimed at shutting you up. Nasty.

I was gregarious, ebullient, happy, optimistic - all the things it sounds that you like to be and my ex-H endlessly complained, was miserable, put obstacles in the way of every nice thing I wanted to do as a family. I thought he was just miserable and tried to cheer him up. Then it seemed that he was fully intent on making me feel miserable and inadequate. Then I pointed this out to him and cried and got sad and pleaded and it became clear he didn't care that I was unhappy. He didn't even like me.

I'm lovely. He's an ex.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:07:50

He's hating work, it's been really stressful recently and a lot has happened, I don't know if he's depressed, has anxiety, or is just high level stressed or just a prick but no I don't think he was always like this. He's always had a controlling streak but I'm feisty and have managed to hold my own most of the time. Our relationship has been difficult. I won't go into details but we've come through a lot.
I just don't know what to do really. I've tried being really nice and hoping he will feel happier, I've also done the nagging, angry wife. I want to be back in a good place and obviously all marriages have dips but this staying in bed all morning is something he argues completely stubbornly and just can't seem to see that it's not fair. He chooses to stay up late gaming when he's off too so he's not getting enough sleep, that's part of why he's so tired but he won't see reason and go to bed. He goes on and bloody on about needing "alone time" and when I point out that I get maybe 2 hours alone time a week, when he takes the toddler and I either sleep, go out for a coffee or get housework done, he says that I have constant alone time, I have every day alone time. He doesn't seem to see that having the toddler is back breaking, especially when she's very very clingy all the time. But of course the 2 hours that he has her alone are absolutely BACK BREAKING. He's so obtuse, and selfish.

I realise I sound like a petty cow ranting but I need to get it out.

TheNaze73 Thu 12-May-16 12:08:39

He sounds clinically depressed

redexpat Thu 12-May-16 12:10:20

Doesn't sound like much of a life to me. Is he happy with this lifestyle? The fact that he is ashamed to be seen with you tells me he doesn't respect you. That's pretty hard to come back from.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:11:18

Xpost farmer. That's ... Worrying.

Yes I agree all who are saying he seems depressed/anxious. He also has terrible back pain that he won't do anything about so I very much doubt I could do get him to see that he needs help with MH.

I've suffered clinical depression myself, I still have massive dips sometimes but I'm able to see them myself, he's never had any mental health issues, nor has anyone close to him so I don't know how well he would take it. How do you sit down and tell someone you think they're clinically depressed? I just don't know how to approach that.

All0vertheplace Thu 12-May-16 12:11:37

Have you suggested he try counselling? Would he do it?

Hillfarmer Thu 12-May-16 12:12:29

I thought mine was depressed. I did everything I could to try to support him. I don't think he was actually depressed in retrospect, he was just controlling and wanted everything to be my fault. I think he did have anxiety, mainly manifested as anger and intense nit-picking about my 'performance' as a mother. He refused to go to the GP or any counsellor.

Give your H an ultimatum OP. You can't live like this. You shouldn't have to. He is ruining your family life and at the very least needs to address his problems better.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:16:31

Red no, he hates his life. Which massively upsets me because we have the most beautiful happy little girl. And generally I'm pretty exuberant and a fun person, I like to live in the moment as much as possible (eg grab a bbq on the way past Tesco).

If I'm honest I don't know if he's ever been "happy". He's had a tough decade. Had a baby when he was 18/19 and then split up from ex when baby was 1, ex took baby to other end of country and we see baby (now child) every 6 months if we are lucky. Child is being raised horribly but there's nothing we can do, or at least there's nothing he's willing to do. Again he's all talk and no action. I think that having his baby move to the other end of the country hit him much harder than he realises and that he hasn't matured at all since then and while he's so much happier with me and DD, because it was all done "right" this time, he still isn't happy happy.

Work is awful, his boss is literally the devil. She was my boss too and I can confirm that she is 100% evil. He's having to take a demotion because she's too lazy to train him.

So no, his life is shit and don't I hear about it.

BarbarianMum Thu 12-May-16 12:19:47

Whatever the problem is, him not owning his share of it and trying to get it sorted out means it cannot be fixed. You've been through a lot, that doesn't mean you have to keep on like this. If he won't/can't change what would you like to do?

Hillfarmer Thu 12-May-16 12:21:30

When did this start OP? Did it coincide with your dc's arrival or near enough?

I definitely think you need him to take on the seriousness of the situation. You take responsibility for your depression. He must.

What he is doing is minimising your contribution to the family and making his seem bigger and more stressful so that he can be the most important person in the pecking order. He is the kingpin. If he's not right or happy, he makes everybody in the house feel it. He sets the weather. If he decides to ruin a weekend or a morning, he can. It is very powerful for him. He wants to have all the power. You may not see the world through the prism of 'power', why would you? But he is setting the rules and making you run around him or worry what sort of mood he is going to be in or worry whether he is going to get up, pull his weight, take part in enjoying your dd as you had hoped, and as you see other couples doing. By doing all this stuff that he does, he has you (and in turn your daughter)on a string. Not nice.

Glad you're feisty.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:23:37

I don't know. I'm totally financially dependent on him, we own a house together, we always said we fix broken things, don't throw them away.

Everyone left me when I was depressed. I would never do that to him. Or anyone else. But if it's not that... I don't know.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:26:21

Farmer I honestly couldn't say. It's worse now. But he's always had a streak as I said. I think you're right in the power thing and it makes me feel so STUPID for being in this situation.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 12-May-16 12:30:17

The thing is, he has to want to do something about his life, you can't do it for him. He either changes job, gets help (medication/counselling) for depression if that's what it is, or takes whatever steps are necessary to improve his situation. If he won't, then you have to decide whether you want to live like this - I know I couldn't

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:32:10

I can't. That's why I posted. I just don't know why he's like this so I ran out of ideas to ... I dunno, help him I suppose.

givepeasachance Thu 12-May-16 12:35:53

Wow!
Why doesn't he get a new job?

Why don't you get a job and he stays at home?

I'd hate hate hate to be financially dependent on someone like this. Slow motion car crash

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:38:13

I constantly have to take DD away thinking "I'm sorry Daddy doesn't want to talk to us right now" when I've tried to wake him up in the morning, I constantly have a raised voice around him when usually I'm a really calm parent, which really upsets me, I don't want her seeing that every time he is around I'm angry.

He also has a gaming addiction. As in... Lists of things he needs to do, saved in notes on his phone, on paper lying about the house.

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:40:02

givepeas I've encouraged no end that he gets a new job but he never does anything about it.
We are currently working out a way for me to go back part time hopefully, but until now it was a parenting decision that we made together, me being a SAHM. I couldn't leave him at home because I'd come back and still have to do all the housework and tidying up.

givepeasachance Thu 12-May-16 12:44:57

Well if he's not prepared to change the moaning can justifiably be ignored.

I'd definitely go back to work. He's liable to flake out at any time.

It will also give you the confidence you can leave at any time, should you so wish

EvansAndThePrince Thu 12-May-16 12:47:50

It's not really about that at the moment though, it's about why he's being like this.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 12-May-16 12:49:39

Either because he's depressed, he's unhappy, he wants to

Whatever the reason HE has to recognise it and deal with it - in the same way as if he had a drug or alcohol problem - the solution has to come from him

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