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Can this be forgiven?

(4 Posts)
Figuringitout Thu 12-May-16 07:02:36

Slightly strange as this is not about my relationship, but one of my oldest and most lovely friends. She is in bits and I feel completely unequipped to support her. I thought that I would ask for advice from the wisdom here.
Basically, she has found out that her husband has been having phone/Skype/graphic text/picture sex with various other women. All of this was happening at a very difficult time in her life (IVF) and outwardly he was incredibly supportive. She found out - completely by accident/his stupidity- on the day she was going in to be induced. She says she felt completely trapped, couldn't kick him out as she needed practical support and couldn't tell anyone as it was supposed to be the happiest time of their lives.
Anyway, cutting a long story short she has recently found other pictures of different women (he claims they are years old, but who keeps stuff like that?) and she's also just discovered that he slept with someone else a long time ago, before they got engaged. He had sworn blind that there was nothing else when she took him back after DC was born.
So now, she is completely betrayed and feels as if she has no idea who he is anymore. I can understand her confusion. My Dh and I are completely shocked that he would behave like this. He has genuinely always seemed such a brilliant guy. However, she also feels like she loses out whatever happens:
Relationship with no trust or
Shared custody of her baby
I have tried to remain neutral (in case she takes him back) and offer a supportive, listening ear. Inside I am raging, but I honestly don't know what to advise.
Is there any hope?

Seeyounearertime Thu 12-May-16 07:07:03

been having phone/Skype/graphic text/picture sex with various other women

It depends entirely on the couple in question but, that being said, this would be massive deal breaker for me. As far as i am concerned this is cheating and is a total break of trust, he would be out on his arse.

I'd also worry that if he's willing to do this when things are good, what's he going to do when things get tough with a baby?

It's for her to decide but personally I'd end it and share custody, until he decide he cant be arsed with that and would rather be smoozing and sleazing more women.

category12 Thu 12-May-16 07:11:12

This is going to be her life if she stays - unable to trust him, catching him doing it again, lots of pain and stress. She's better off ditching him.

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 12-May-16 12:07:55

I have tried to remain neutral (in case she takes him back) and offer a supportive, listening ear

Well done, first of all, for handling it so well; personally I think your approach is exactly right flowers

Only she can decide whether she's able or prepared to forgive him, especially given his past history - and you've not said what his attitude is to the latest crisis? Speaking from bitter experience, though, what could crush her if she stays isn't so much what he's done, but the constant doubt and mental anguish. Every time there's a wobble - every time he's delayed on the way home - every time he seems unapproachable she'll wonder what's really behind it, and each time a little more of her will die

I wonder if there's some way you could gently put this to her?

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