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Can someone help me wade through this crap as it's becoming too much

(37 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 04:16:41

I am really beginning to resent my life and don't know where to turn. Have 10 week old DS who was premature in special care and now has horrendous silent reflux and cmpi which we still battling to get on top of! I also have 4 yr old dd. I was never fussed about second child I find it hard to get pregnant and just got to stage if not happening going back on contraception when it happened. crap pregnancy early birth and horrendous clingy non sleeping baby. 4 yr old hates me won't listen to a word I say . I am fed up with having no money, doing our house up is on hold we don't have enough bedrooms and our extension is delayed, our kitchen is falling apart. Myself and DH dont sleep in same bed as we shift sleep with DS. My life seems to be trying to stay afloat with housework, cooking cleaning washing food shopping hospital appts. I can't seem to adjust to having a newborn baby again. I shower but can't wash my hair sometimes for days as don't have the time. My DH goes to work I know he works hard but then he doesn't do anything esle apart from his shift with DS. He manages football training etc I start my day between 3-30/4 as DS will only sleep upright. DH doesn't understand why I am so tired as I have 5 hours sleep before hand. We argue constantly. I can't see any end to it , my dd had reflux and can't believe I have a second child with it too. I want to run away and leave them all to it. How do I manège to wade through this crap and come out otherside?

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 07:45:44

Can I get this thread moved somewhere more appropriate for advice?

ChameleonCircuit Thu 12-May-16 08:05:49

All I can say is that your DS won't be like this forever. Oh, and not to be flippant, but dry shampoo is your friend. Your DH needs to step up and help when not out at work. Footie training can take a back seat for a bit. With more attention (from you or DH) your DD may improve.

Hopefully this will bump your post so someone else can try to help.

AliBingo Thu 12-May-16 08:10:47

Not much helpful advice here but my nearly four year old is a right pain a lot of the time,it will get better, don't forget they are adjusting to having a sibling. The 10 week old is still very young and things will get better there too. I have a 2 and 3 year old plus 7 month old and the first four or five months with newborn number 3 were tedious but it's much better now so hangin there.

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 08:21:38

Thanks I just feel more waded down this time I am frustrated my life isn't my own anymore

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 08:23:06

We try with our dd but sleep deprivation and unsettled baby means I see to him more. I just feel more detached from both of them maybe because he was in scbu fir 3 weeks too

AliBingo Thu 12-May-16 09:05:43

When you're tired everything seems so much worse. I promise you things will seem better in a couple of months time, not much help now I know but you're not alone.

Clandestino Thu 12-May-16 09:10:17

It won't be like this forever. Think ahead. Think about the time when you will look back and just say to yourself: Oh, what an awful time it was but so worth having my two lovely children.
Holding my hand out virtually, just take it flowers.

Junosmum Thu 12-May-16 09:29:31

I know this is touted out a lot on mumsnet but have you tried a sling?

My DS is 4.5months and I'd have gone nuts without mine, he was so clingy and I couldn't pee without having to carry him. It revolutionized my life. I was no longer tied to the sofa and had two hands free- I could cook and clean (not that I'm saying you should be doing those things, just that they made me feel more normal).

Your DH needs to step up. Take on some more responsibility. He needs to give you some time with your daughter and some time to yourself.

fwiw, I found weeks 9 and 10 the hardest so far.

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 13:08:15

Hi thank you I have a sling but I just feel so enclosed and trapped by it. I know it's not my sons fault but just thought second baby easier then first ! Plus I hate the fact we just don't have any money, I know we are lucky to have a roof over my head. I also appreciate how lucky I am to have children but it just feels like a pile of crap, people don't understand what it's like having a high needs child either! I get comments about him being naught he's not he's medically unwell X!!

BeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 12-May-16 13:16:14

Hi Onthedowns - would you like us to move this over to our Parenting topic? Or Perhaps Relationships?

Onsera3 Thu 12-May-16 13:34:01

Oh you poor thing. My situation was not quite as bad but I remember feeling the exact same way after DD was born.

With DS I was so grateful to be pregnant after IVF and you know how chilled out first pregnancy can be and what a special time for you and DH.

Second pregnancy was a lucky surprise but I struggled with terrible PGP/SPD so could barely move. Bad combo with extremely active DS. He watched so much TV I felt shit about it. House move fell through in 2nd trimester so scrambled to have renovations which didn't finish til the day after DD was born! So stressful. So still in house that is way to small. DH sleeps in other room with DS as no room in bedroom for big enough bed and a cot. (We move soon)

DD had undiagnosed tongue tie for two months so feeding was a nightmare. Plus missed CMPI. Then colic from 6 weeks til 3mos so she just screamed and screamed. Made it so hard to give DS any attn so he played up. DH and I were always snapping at each other.

I felt so low I didn't think I'd cope. I regretted having a second child and felt terrible and ungrateful about that. Oh and it rained all the bloody time so was nightmare getting out and about.

By 4mo the cloud had lifted. Colic had gone. DD a lot happier with me avoiding dairy and after 6mo she seems ok with it. Feeding is fine. She has a nap routine that works with DSs schedule. In the morning we go out for coffee and she naps in the buggy so I get half an hour alone time with DS. I drop him to nursery at midday and when we get home she naps and I get some me time. A few months ago this was unimaginable.

Regarding DSs behaviour I find Janet Lansbury's advice works for me. How to help my DS deal with jealousy and feeling aggressive towards baby etc She has a great blog, book and Facebook page.

Hang in there. It will get better I promise.

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 17:20:24

Yes please perhaps relationships?

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 17:22:06

Thank tiu! DDs behaviour towards her brother is fine she is very angry with me! Understandably ! It's exactly try how I feel me and DH have no relationship it's a nightmare !

cerievans1 Thu 12-May-16 17:25:05

Sorry to be blunt but baby napping and only have a few mins to myself!!
Can I suggest you call your health visitor and ask her to make a referral to Homestart? They have been great in supporting me for 2-3 hours a week. You could take this time to get a proper shower and five minutes to yourself?

Cakescakescakes Thu 12-May-16 17:26:47

I felt like you when ds2 was born and autistic ds1 was 3.5. It almost broke me. Ds2 had severe reflux and just screamed virtually constantly. After about 6 months things settled a bit. Now he is 18 months and that period feels so far away. No way I'd have a third though!!!! It's no consolation when you're in the middle of it but it's just pure survival at your stage. Having two kids with high needs/medical needs is a different ballgame to having 2 regular kids which is hard enough in itself.

PickleBot Thu 12-May-16 17:56:41

Have you spoken to your hv about it? Doyou think you might have a touch of pnd? No doubt it's hard and horrible. My DS had reflux so I know how terrible that can be, but something to think about?

Gazelda Thu 12-May-16 18:02:17

Oh bless you! It sounds very hard. I second the suggestion to get in touch with Homestart. Even a couple of hours will give you time to have a good shower, maybe do an online shop and then walk To the park for 30 mins? Or 2 hours sleep?

Is your 4yo old at school or nursery? Do you go to baby groups? Have you got mum friends?

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 18:18:00

Hi yes she's at nursery two full days no mummy friends my parents are away a lot of the year. My DH just trots out the I am working line which I get. Today DS hasn't stopped screaming or napped properly as we are changing meds, trying to do tea for dd make sterilise bottles he's just screamed even in sling . I literally have had enough he's approaching 3 months but can't see it improving

anontoday23 Thu 12-May-16 18:30:43

Lots of sympathy here. Can you try sure start centres / health visitor / doctors.... All
I can say is try and reach out and ask for help. Tell family how crap it is, tell friends... Neighbours... Maybe someone will step up and help you. I was lucky and when I had ds2, ds1 was 4 but had lots of play dates so I managed to palm him off which made dealing with ds2 easier

Is baby on the right meds? Ranitdine is amazing but hard to get prescribed. I used that plus gaviscon and I refused to give the iron supplement as that made the crying worse

And be easy on yourself where possible... Easy tea for ds1 etc don't set the bar high

It gets better... Promise ... But it does suck I agree for a long time and life seems a relentless grind ... It will get easier

Onthedowns Thu 12-May-16 21:36:33

Yes even on ranitidine now on omprezole as well, gaviscon not doing anything ! On nutramigen but I think neocate is needed as his tummy has gone back to normal ! People just think he is a naught non sleeping baby if only!

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 13-May-16 09:02:23

Hi Onthedowns, we're moving this over to our Relationships topic for you now. flowers

Onthedowns Fri 13-May-16 13:23:53

Thanks ! After 4 hours sleep last night DH went football training so I couldn't get to bed till gone 10 pm I took both kids to children's party last weekend so he could watch his team also delaying my hair appointment ! He doesn't get it

Cakescakescakes Fri 13-May-16 13:56:15

Omeprazole was amazing for my DS. Takes up to two weeks to kick in. Go back and ask for a higher dose of not effective after that.

Calmonthesurfacebut Fri 13-May-16 14:25:48

I feel for you, it's so hard, but it sounds like you need to stop being used by your DH and letting him go off to his football and doing whatever he wants, leaving you to deal with it all,

Have you actually said to him 'I can't cope, I feel like I am going mad, I need more help?' Saying you are tired and then letting him go off is giving him a mixed message and let's face it, you actually do have to spell it out to men, they don't 'see' what is going on, so no won't get it.

If you have said this, very clearly then you need to get someone else a close friend, his parents but someone to tell him, you also need to ask others to help you too, again,they only see a crying baby and may not like to step in, especially if you have always been a coper, is there anyone who can have him for even just an hour, to let you have a bath/Shower, or are you reluctant to leave him?

Have you parents near or friends? if not tell your health visitor, or contact Sure Start. Something needs to change, only you can make that happen if your DH can't see it,. It isn't fair, it can change, but you have to step up, which isn't easy when you are so overwhelmed.

You can do it OP, you have to.

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