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Sister's controlling/sulking boyfriend

(26 Posts)
LisaRinnasLips Wed 11-May-16 22:42:26

I'm posting on behalf of my sister as she doesn't have an account but would like some neutral advice:

Ive been seeing this guy for 8 months. I have two teen dc boys, one of whom has epilepsy and severe learning disabilities and for obvious reasons this impacts on my life greatly.
I met him at a time when I'd just been let down very badly by someone I really liked and was dating. Usual story, one minute he was all over me, the next he'd lost interest leaving me high and dry. The new guy made me feel incredibly special and wanted and brought me out of the depths of despair that often comes with a rejection so brutal.
He was attentive and sweet, kind and loving and accepted my situation with open arms.
He didn't tell me he was still legally married until we'd been dating a little while although he said they'd had a very tumultuous relationship and were off and on the whole time. He has a 5 year old son from the marriage who he sees when his ex is in a good mood and allows him to.
His mood swings became apparent almost immediately and he suffers from depression. He has also been made bankrupt twice and finds it very hard to manage his money. I have no problem supporting him through difficult times but I do have a lot on my plate and sometimes find it draining constantly being his cheerleader, (at 46 he is not where he wants to be career wise) I've given him tons of support, ideas and advice about how he can improve his life but he procrastinates and avoids a lot. I find this frustrating. How can I help someone who refuses to help themselves?
His last few outbursts have been really upsetting for me and I don't feel like I can continue with the relationship but I'm also not sure if I'm strong enough to leave.

Almost every week there's an episode where he will kick off because I didn't text or call him enough throughout the day and I'm so tired of it.

He is amazing with my son and I'm afraid I don't find that again but I am really down about the sorry state of our relationship.

He rarely has money so I cook for us and we stay in most of the time. At my age and after all the heartbreak I've been through, really I'd like to be enjoying this time as much as possible.
Also he told me a couple of weeks ago that his ex googled me and threatened to come down to my work place with her friends to 'plant some seeds' about him. He has been very evasive about how she found out my full name and details and also it just creeps me out that if they've been separated so long and we've been together for nearly a year, why is she googling me?

Today I had an appt for ds and went with my ex - ds' dad. When I got home boyfriend stormed past me without speaking and turned his phone off, he does this a lot when upset. So I'm left in floods of tears as today was very emotional and stressful anyway.

His mother passed away from cancer last week so I feel like I can't end things yet without guilt. Plus I hate being on my own, I find it really hard

Thanks for reading.

Berthatydfil Thu 12-May-16 00:23:46

Bin him he sounds like hard work and needy

Iflyaway Thu 12-May-16 00:28:19

Get rid. He sounds awful. Really...

Iflyaway Thu 12-May-16 00:32:35

^ Plus I hate being on my own, I find it really hard^

This is your problem, really. I love being on my own (LP).

As long as you don't have your true self in order, and kids, you will always attract these needy types, cos that is what you project...

dodobookends Thu 12-May-16 00:36:12

How can I help someone who refuses to help themselves? Sorry to say this, but you can't. Nobody can help him - he has to do that himself, and take responsibility for his own actions. He sounds really horrible, and although you say you hate being on your own, he is making you really unhappy isn't he? Get rid of him. flowers

Hissy Thu 12-May-16 07:03:15

Almost every week there's an episode where he will kick off because I didn't text or call him enough throughout the day and I'm so tired of it.


Fuck that!

Who does he think he is.

He is awful. Get him away from your kids now!

SlinkyVagabond Thu 12-May-16 07:11:31

Taking you for a ride financially.
Still married. She won't "plant seeds", she'll tell the truth.
Get rid. He's a waste of a skin.

Becoolio Thu 12-May-16 07:15:58

Yes I'd be interested to know what she wants to tell you.

There doesn't seem a great deal enjoyable about this relationship. Why would you put up with his moodiness? Who does he think he is?

Civilservant Thu 12-May-16 07:21:05

The advice is obvious: run for the hills! He's clearly seriously bad news. There were signs of this from early on (eg badmouthing his ex, not seeing his DC much and blaming her, lying about being married, OTT lovey dovyness). Your radar needs adjusting.

Also, don't rely on a new man to help you get over a let down by another one/"out of despair": take good care of yourself and seek help from friends, family, health professionals if you need this.

scaevola Thu 12-May-16 07:22:29

He sounds increasingly controlling.

It's rare that the ex is crazy or the relationship was tumultuous, though it's often said. Contact with DC can be limited for a number of reasons, and there's only his word to go on. Part of me hope there is a chance to hear what the ex has to say. Then see if anyone who knew them both at the time can add anything.

Has there been a Sarah's law request for disclosure of any relevant background?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 12-May-16 07:24:26

You're better than this. You're clearly financially stable, you've got a lovely family, you're a caring a kind person.

So why do you think that this waste of space, who actively drains you (financially and emotionally), deserves a place in your life? He doesn't.

Perhaps he came along at a time when you needed to feel wanted. That's ok. But the time has passed and you've more than repaid the favour.

It may be a bad time to end things, but there is never going to be a good time. You've not been together long. He shouldn't be leaning on you so much.

Just tell him that it's not working, you wish him well, but neither of you are happy in the relationship and it's best to end it here. And then cut all contact.

I suspect he might threaten you with suicide. If he does, call an ambulance or the police immediately. They can help him if it's genuine, and if it's not then he'll never bother you again.

Spend some time single. You deserve better. There are good, nice men out there. Don't waste your time on losers.

magoria Thu 12-May-16 07:30:10

You have 2 DC already which take up a massive chunk of your time however he he is sulking and stopping if he decides you have other given him enough attention rather than damn you must have had a hard day have a hug.

You are also forking out your money on feeding etc him which could be better spent on you and your DC while he happily spends all his money on him.

Get rid while it is only 1 year.

Learn to love yourself and be happy alone.

A nice man is then a bonus and you don't need a shitty on just because you don't want to be alone.

LisaRinnasLips Thu 12-May-16 08:35:24

Thank you for replies, showing dsis now

Morasssassafras Thu 12-May-16 08:42:49

Lisa please ask your sister to use clare's law to get info on whether this man has any previous for domestic abuse. If she won't then you can apply on her behalf and the police will contact her if they think there is anything she needs to know. Just walk into your local police station and say you want to use clare's law. It's of course possible that his ex never reported whatever she's threatening to 'plant the seeds' of.

He sounds like bad news. It'll only get worse.

Bananalanacake Thu 12-May-16 08:51:45

Do they live together, if not it's easier to dump him.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke Thu 12-May-16 08:52:20

He has mood swings where you have to jolly him out of it.
He doesn't contribute financially.
He sulks if you aren't in constant contact.
He stormed off because you attended an appointment about your DS, with his Father.

You do realise you are dating an adult toddler, don't you? He's like a 3 year old, stamping his feet every time he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

For his sulking alone I would bin him. But I would also be VERY reluctant to get involved with someone who had an issue with co-parenting arrangements with an Ex.

You don't like being alone - that's your problem. Sorry if it sounds harsh (and it's not meant to be) but in your desperation to not be alone, you're taking any relationship that comes along. You need to learn that being alone is fine; recover your strength, your self-esteem and learn your own worth - because when you've done that you can look for a relationship where you'll be treated the way you deserve. Relationships are supposed to be fun, fulfilling and add something to your life. They have their ups and downs and are sometimes hard work but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it gets to the point where your relationship is making you miserable, then you need to have a serious think about what you're getting out of it.

LisaRinnasLips Thu 12-May-16 08:57:20

No don't live together. He came home last night and apologised so he's back now and thinks all forgiven. I'm hoping she'll listen to you all. She says thank you and appreciates it

LisaRinnasLips Thu 12-May-16 09:00:07

Great post DailyMail

LisaRinnasLips Thu 12-May-16 09:05:27

From my dsis:

Thank you for all your replies. They're really helpful. There's loads I haven't said so to read those reactions makes me think even more that I want out.
I do have low self esteem for various reasons that my sister knows about but I'm trying to work on that and to embrace my own company. I think I get so low about my son that I need someone around to distract me from my thoughts but I know that's not the best solution and I'll just keep myself busy for the next few weeks. I'm actually ok with ending a relationship, it's the bit where they come around begging and crying that I always cave in. How do I stay firm when this happens? Thank you so much again

hellsbellsmelons Thu 12-May-16 09:08:21

It might be a very good idea for her to do the Freedom Programme.
Her boundaries are wrong.
Her self-esteem probably on the floor.
She hasn't spotted on acted on loads of red flags.
The Freedom Programme will help her with all of that.
She can contact Womens Aid to do this.

No-one needs to put up with this.
Also get her to google 'co-dependency'
She cannot rescue this guy or fix him.
That's up to him and professionals who are trained to do so.

Dump him now before it gets worse.
It WILL get worse.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 12-May-16 09:10:41

Yes, I wouldn't assume that the ex is crazy at all, and he's definitely an adult toddler.

A friend of mine has recently become good friends with the once "crazy ex". The crazy ex has helped her apply for a restraining order against her now exP.

He just sounds awful.

No one is awful all the time. Sometimes people cling to the idea that when he's nice, that's the real him. When he's awful, that's not. It's not true. It's all him.

It's the coffee analogy. If you had the most wonderful coffee in the world, but I put a teaspoon of shit in it, you really shouldn't drink it. It may still look perfect, but it's not. The whole thing is ruined.

Abuse often doesn't start to rear its head until around the 2 year mark. Up until then people are still on their best behaviour.

This is him on his best behaviour.

NickiFury Thu 12-May-16 10:02:04

He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Who are these people who think they have the right to dump their emotional bullshit and impose their childish tantrums on the person closest to them? It beggars belief it really does.

Dump him immediately.

LisaRinnasLips Thu 12-May-16 10:11:09

Love the shit in coffee analogy.

Nicki agree.

flippinada Thu 12-May-16 10:16:00

I agree with other posters, he sounds awful. A child in a man's body. I'd also be interested to know what the ex has to say as well.

You definitely deserve better. Please end the relationship. It's better to be on your own than with someone like this.

SlinkyVagabond Thu 12-May-16 10:22:18

And you are not alone, you have your lovely sister. (And everyone here) you can do it, be strong.

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