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Seeking women advice on what just happened to my relationship!?

(63 Posts)
Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 16:36:30

Hi folks,

Okay so I am a guy on Mumsnet seeking advice from a female perspective on what on earth has just happened to the relationship I was having with an amazing lady...

So for context...6 weeks ago I met the most fun and dynamic lady I have ever known. She is a major ex party girl but who now has 2 kids and the normal responsibilities of every day life. Even with all this she is easily the most attractive, positive and engaging woman I have ever met. Anyway, we met online and we hit it off big time. When we met it person it only continued and over the next 5 weeks we saw each other and communicated non-stop. To my mind it all went quite deep quite quickly but we both have other commitments so tried to keep it at the right level, recognising we both have busy lives involves kids. Anyway, her sexting and pictures she sent me daily were like, well, quite over the top I thought considering we are both in early 40s and its something the kids in their 20s do. Granted, we both have a habit of working out a lot so her pictures were very easy on the eye to say the least! Anyway, her messages made it clear she was up for a relationship and we were talking about plans for seeing each other months ahead from now.

And then after staying over at her house for the first time and having an amazing weekend away together 10 days ago she did a complete U turn. In the space of 4 days she became distant and very little communication. Yesterday I then got the "I'm not sure what I want and need space" line. Well by my age and experience every guy knows what that means - Its polite for Cheerio. Now I never pressured her at all, I never asked her to do anything rash or crazy, I know we were attracted to each other even last time we met.... so to my mind I am at a complete loss what on earth has just happened? Now I know she has her kids and a nasty separated husband floating around in the background but really!? After coming on so strong for weeks and weeks and then giving me the I need space line? If anything she came on stronger than me...did she frighten herself away?!?! I did meet her online so is she just a complete player?

As I say we were only together 6 weeks, all of which were amazing, but it was so short I am sure I will survive being naturally secure in myself. However, I really liked this lady and am completely confused what on earth has just happened? Any ladies got any insights or thoughts I would love to hear them :D

Thanks for reading

MiddleClassProblem Wed 11-May-16 16:41:34

So you stayed over and then she stopped changed?

Hydroshield Wed 11-May-16 16:41:38

6 weeks does not equal a relationship.
She realised that she either doesn't like you enough OR that she's not ready for anything more full on yet after spending a weekend together.

TheNotoriousPMT Wed 11-May-16 16:53:07

Not being psychic, I cannot tell you what this woman was thinking.

I once read in Just Seventeen magazine that women tend to take longer than men to decide if they like someone. She was hedging her bets a bit while making up her mind.

Your implication, even accidental, that women who have children are rarely "attractive, positive and engaging" is not going to go down well.

<toddles off to look at holiday catalogues, considers Maui...>

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 16:56:46

We can't tell you what she thinks just because we have vaginas.

Having said that, it sounds like she got laid and that's all she was looking for.

6 weeks is a blip and most of that was online?

Let it go. On to the next!

MiddleClassProblem Wed 11-May-16 16:57:31

it sounds like she got laid and that's all she was looking for or it wasn't her cup of tea

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 17:00:31

Yes, that too! smile

Either way I don't think it's worth pondering any longer.
She should have been honest with you, though. At least said goodbye!

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:03:41

Ok apologies for my wording NotoriousPMT...was not meant to offend. But good advice and yes maybe she was hedging her bets.

Yes MIddleClassProblem...she did change after I stayed over...

Hydroshield - seems very sensible what you are saying. Maybe initially blown away with some of the fun things we did at the start but realised later she wasnt that into me. Or maybe life was getting too much. Either seem plausible.

Yes WalterMitty I am happy to let it go - just seemed strange after being so full on herself...

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:07:12

WalterMitty - yes my instincts tell me she was not honest and maybe ruthless to some extent...she got what she wanted from me and is gone.

As you say no need to ponder further...just have to get back on the horse!


Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp Wed 11-May-16 17:07:59

Maybe after spending a weekend with you she thinks your incompatible?

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 11-May-16 17:08:39

Do you keep a beaker by the bed.

runs and hides

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:09:22

Purple, I could wear that if I thought it was true but we had a great time and she was telling me "she was really into me"

If she is that inconsistant...maybe a god send for it to end now.

Life's a strange one sometimes isn't it :D

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:09:49

Haha no I hide the beaker to avoid scaring women away :D

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 17:10:59

Freddie there is never an excuse to leave someone high and dry, which is why I think she may have just been after sex and possibly enjoyed the chase more than anything else.

The reason I wouldn't think any more on it is someone that disrespectful isn't worth the head space!

I think in future it would serve you well to take things a lot slower and really get to know someone, if you're looking for a long term relationship.

DoreenLethal Wed 11-May-16 17:18:28

Did you mention the lack of Le Crueset apparatus?

Perhaps she just didn't get you when you were actually spending time together?

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:19:36


Really good advice and I am in complete agreement with you. I think she was a female hunter and played me like a fiddle. Fair play - she was stronger and more cunning than me this time- hats off to her.

You are absolutely right that the real lesson here is to keep things slow so that you get to know someone first. I have since had that thought myself. I knew it felt fast but equally didnt do enough to slow it down...had I maybe she would have disappeared sooner without game to trap ;D

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 17:20:54

Online dating is a minefield, huh?!

At least you had some good times out of it.

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 17:22:10


I take that point on board and would be ok if that was the case... but we totally got each other!! She would have to have been one hell of an actress for the performances she pulled because we were so absorbed in each other we didnt take notice of time or anyone else around us. She was defo into me when we were together

MusicIsMedicine Wed 11-May-16 17:25:09

You did something at her house that she didn't like.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 11-May-16 17:28:27

You could always ask her in the guise of for future relationships

BatSegundo Wed 11-May-16 17:31:44

2 possibilities spring to mind. 1. She changed her mind, and, after spending a bit more time with you, decided it's wasn't going to work. 2. She got into this looking for a bit of fun or thinking that she wanted a relationship, but then when it started to get a bit more serious she got cold feet and doesn't know if she's ready for this yet. Either way, you've nothing to lose by a quick and breezy reply to the effect that you had fun and you'd be open to going out again should she change her mind. If you don't hear back, then get out there again!

ImperialBlether Wed 11-May-16 17:33:08

This weekend you spent with her - how much of that time was spent doing ordinary things like going for a meal or a walk or whatever and how much of it was spent in bed?

merville Wed 11-May-16 17:36:40

Doreen - Did you mention the lack of Le Crueset apparatus? grin

Major ex party girl ... Not so ex Freddie hmm

Oh and not to sound unsympathetic but thank you for a male "she used me for sex?!" thread, it makes an incredibly refreshing change.

nell15 Wed 11-May-16 17:39:05

Write to her and say you're really confused and hurt and ask her why she hasn't wanted to peruse things. Perhaps she's scared to start again after her previous relationship. She may have convinced herself that she'd be ok this time and then when she met you she panicked. I'm saying this because I did this first time I met my now DH. I'd come out of a bad relationship and 4 years later, we met online and got on very well and when we met I panicked and decided not to see him again. I realised what I was doing and why and I emailed him and explained and fortunately he understood and we met again and eventually got married.
She may not reply but at least you've tried - then move on.

nell15 Wed 11-May-16 17:40:05

Sorry "pursue"

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