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To give online dating a go or not?

(14 Posts)
buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 16:28:19

I'm after some advice please and can't ask my rl friends as I'm a bit embarrassed to be honest.

I separated from my emotionally and financially abusive ex last year. He has started seeing someone and I'm not sure if it's a case of well he's doing it so should I but I'm wondering whether or not to give online dating a shot?

How long do people wait generally? The thing is, I no way want another long term relationship. I have 2 dcs so they are my priority but I kind of want someone to make me feel special again. I haven't had sex, been kissed or even shown any affection for over 4 years and bloody hell I miss it but I've lost all confidence in myself. My ex didn't talk to me for long periods of time and I kind of got used to that and now I struggle to even say anything remotely intelligent or interesting at times. Is dating just going to make me feel worse?

Christ, I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm so lost in life, I don't know how to be single! Does anyone have advice for me?

pocketsaviour Wed 11-May-16 16:32:27

OLD can be a bit brutal. Lots of twats out there who are happy to hide behind a screen and if you don't respond to them they'll email you "I DON'T FANCY YOU ANYWAY YOU FAT COW". If you're still feeling bruised by your previous experience, I'd suggest working on your self-esteem and boundaries first before dipping your toe.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 11-May-16 16:34:08

Go for it, what have you got to lose.

I've got many friends that have had some real fun dates

buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 16:44:03

What do you mean by 'working on my boundaries' pocketsaviour? And how do I work on my self esteem? I agree everything is shot to pieces but how can I get that back?

buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 16:44:55

I need some fun in my life pinkheart most definitely

buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 16:46:24

Is there such a thing as browsing on OLD? Without adding too much detail or photos? I've not done it before so not sure how it works. I thought maybe if I browse I could see what's 'out there' first??

Pinkheart5915 Wed 11-May-16 16:46:38

Make sure you always meet somewhere public ( bar, restaurant for example) and go have some fun and Enjoy it

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 16:57:18

Okay if you want a guys advice...I don't think you are in a good shape mentally to get involved in the online game just is brutal and I'm not sure it will do you any favours. I totally get the missing skin on skin, sex, kisses and all that...been there too and it can be lonely. Sooo what you need to get is PMA - Positive Mental Attitude :D

Lets start with you - if you are feeling boring or down it is because you don't have enough going on in your life outside of kids that interests you. So what do you like doing - what interests you? Do more of that or pick up some new hobby, an inspiration, and in doing it, if you become passionate about that activity then you will speak positively and having something to say for yourself again. I don't know what age you are but nothing beats exercise because of the endorphin rush and the positivity it brings. Get yourself into the best state of your life - it is never too late And you know what? If you do something you love, you may even meet new guys who also like the same things.

Okay so on online dating... I am a divorced guy and am not arrogant but secure in myself, and even then I have had chunks torn out of me with online dating!!! I have met some women who appeared nice online but who in real life were sad, mad, angry and depressed about life and exs. On the two occasions I have actually met someone I REALLY liked...BOTH times they turned out to still be married and total players. (...yes I have read my profile to see if that is what I am subconsciously asking for and I'm not!!!) To my mind online dating is desperation stakes - its full of fakes, cons and the desperate. Honestly, you would be much better off finding something you enjoy doing and go and do it! If you get passionate about something then you will surely meet new friends who are a bonus and hey maybe even a guy.

Minime85 Wed 11-May-16 17:12:16

I think you need to be aware of how it works and prepare yourself if you try it. Try reading the dating thread in here I think it's on thread 104 or something now. That really helped me. Be aware that there are time wasters and there are some just out for sex. Be aware that you can be chatting to someone for a few days and then suddenly nothing. Some people have no manner. BUT I do think there are some good finds out there. There will be people who feel the same as you and have the same levels of respect. You don't have to reply to anyone so yes you can just browse. There are different ones that seem better depending on where you are living. And if you want to spend money. Match isn't much good I don't think. I liked POF and just for the laugh factor Tinder is great entertainment.

buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 18:44:20

Thank you Minime I'll have a look at that thread. Does anyone have a link please?

I do a sport that I am very passionate about already but due to childcare I can only do it socially once every 2 weeks which does get me down a bit, and probably doesn't help my cause. I've just joined a gym though. I do need to just get back out there as suggested but I'm also petrified by it.

I never thought I'd be in this position approaching 40 and having to start over sad

Minime85 Wed 11-May-16 19:56:37

Think I've done that right??

Also I joined meet up groups although never craved going as in socially not great with new people! Sounds like u have some interests which might get you meeting new people already. I was 36. I too couldn't believe I was having to start again and build a relationship up. But there are bonuses. I promise.

buffalobillinda Wed 11-May-16 20:15:30

That's great. Thank you so much.

Yes, I suppose I need to just take my time but I'm naturally a very impulsive person and when I decide I want or need something I have to do it straight away. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong! I've joined a couple of meet up groups already and I found it tough but I forced myself to go along to a couple of things. Keeping close to what I know. Anything outside of that, or general conversation is terrifying.

Freddie2010 Wed 11-May-16 20:30:48

Good on you for getting out there. Sounds like you are doing the right things in the real world to meet new people. I was in a similar position starting again at 40 which really sucked at first. However, like Minime85 says, there are benefits. People tend to know what they are about after 30-something and are more straightforward. A lot of the pressure of dating in 20s is gone and you can both do cool stuff without peer pressure about the ins and outs of what club you do or dont go too.

A good app to have on your phone is MeetUp. It can find you lots of interesting groups in your area and is good for getting you out meeting new people. Okay some groups even on there are to be avoided but some of the ones for the younger crowd are decent.

Defo hit the gym. Before worrying about a man - nothing will help your own self esteem and confidence like getting fit. And all the time you are there - you can be thinking this is what will get me noticed again...nothing like incentive ;D

LellyMcKelly Wed 11-May-16 21:54:14

Yes! Do it. Don't take it too seriously, and appreciate your own worth. I did it (on Match) and went on around 10 dates with different men (lunch or coffee) and enjoyed it as an experience. Yes, some are losers or just out for a quick tumble, but most were nice guys. And then I met someone after about 6 weeks online and he blew my mind. We've been together ever since (coming up for a year now) and I am crazy in love! So, go for it - with no expectations, an awareness of what you bring to the table (funny, kind, smart, independent), and don't settle for someone who's not worth it. Fill your boots!

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