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Please help!! I'm think mhusband is controlling me!

(31 Posts)
MrsM42 Wed 11-May-16 15:19:41


First of all, I just want to apologise for the long winded post- I just don't know where I stand in my marriage. There are times I feel like my husband is a bully and controlling and then I question myself and wonder if I'm just imagining it!! I'm really hoping for any sort of advice..

We have been together 10 years now and married 2. He has always had a bad temper but since we got married, I'm feeling more and more trapped and suffocated. We have 2 young children together and I have 2 older children from a previous relationship. He is great with my daughter and our sons, bur he treats my eldest dreadfully! He shouts nd swears at him all the time for nothing, and whenever I defend him (as i always do), he starts yelling at me about favouring my eldest over the rest and being pathetic.

I'm not allowed to go out if it isn't with the littlest 2, or planned weeks ahead. If I do go out then I'm not meant to drink, in case I'm a secret alcoholic (I shoul point out that although he goes every week, he doesn't drink)... I just feel like I'm not allowed a life outside of the house and him. He questions me every time I get a text message, and wants to knw who is texting and what is being said. If I go anywhere then he demands to know where i am going, who I am going with and what time I will be home... He texts and phones constantly while I am out, often as soon as 30 mins after I've left wanting to know where I am and when I will be home! As soon as he finds out I want to go out, he starts moaning and complaining about wanting time with his wife and how he works hard all week, and he should be able to come home to his wife and some attention.

Honestly, there is so much more, for example he is going away next year with his mates and we both stopped smoking recently. We decided to save all the money we would have spent on fags and tobacco for spending money (for him to take away and for me to treat the kids while heis away) I thought it would be split down the middle, but he is getting £200 a month away as he smoked real fags and that is how much it cost, while I get £70 as I smoked tobacco and only spent that!

It's like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him as I never know what is going to make him lose his temoer again. I must point out that he has never hit me, or threatened to... He has grabbed my eldest round the throat and he shoves him quite a bit... My eldest no longer spends time in the front room with us when my husband is in.

I just feel like we are all living in a pressure cooker and I would really like some advice whether to just hunker down and hope that doubling my dose of antidepressants works and makes life bearable again, or if I'm totally overreacting and this is a normal marriage?? Do husbands shout at their wives a lot? Yesterday he shouted at me for half an hour fo rtaking £3.50 off his desk to pay for my kids bus fare to school, is that normal? Seriously, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or if its all just me and he's right and I should be grateful to be married?!?!?

Please can someone help, I feel so alone!

hesterton Wed 11-May-16 15:22:54

Your poor son. You can't stay with a man who strangled him. You just can't. The thought of how he must feel, trying to avoid this monster in his home makes me feel sick.

PoppitFox Wed 11-May-16 15:25:54

Get out while you can.
It is not normal and you are right to question his behavior.
You're married you but you are not a prisoner. And as for the £3.50 that's a total over reaction.

my relationship is far from perfect and I know I will probably leave him at some point but I know if it ever extended to my child I would be straight out of the door. You need to question how your child will be feeling and the impact it has on their life.
do you want your children to grow up and treat others how he treats you? or let your daughter be treated how you are?

abuse isn't always physical lovely.
Hue hugs please get help xx

LineyReborn Wed 11-May-16 15:26:17

Hunker down?


Get your children away from this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 11-May-16 15:35:36

Walking on eggshells is really code for living in fear.

Its not you, its your H. He is abusive and is enjoying the power and control he has over you all. Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no woman would want to be with them. You were targeted and deliberately reeled in by this man, his nice act is just that an act and one that he cannot maintain for any great length of time. What you are seeing is the nice/nasty cycle common to abusive relationships; its a continuous cycle.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, did you at all see similar?. Your boundaries and relationship bar at the very least are shot to pieces.

You are in an abusive marriage and your eldest child is also bearing the brunt of his abuse as well. I feel particularly sorry for this young person because he will leave home as soon as he is able. Your own relationship going forward with him will be really jeopardised if you do not act now because your son will accuse you of putting this man, his stepfather and the one you married, first and before him.

Violence can be verbal as well. Your H does not have to hit you to hurt you, he controls you through words and your youngest children (he uses them as your chaperones).

What was your response when this man put his hands around your son's throat, did you not call the police?. Did you just stand there dumfounded in complete silence?.

No to further hunkering down (absolutely not), no to upping your anti depressants because this man whom you are currently shackled to is the root cause of your depressed state.

Your life as well as your children's will only improve when you have finally divorced this awful man. You will only then realise how much you have all been controlled and used by him. Such men do take years to recover from and your own recovery from him will only start when you are free of him. Womens Aid Freedom Programme is a must do for your own self going forward as well.

Seeking legal advice with a view to divorcing him and talking to WOmens Aid will help you no end.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 11-May-16 15:38:37

He's controlling you and abusing you and your eldest at least.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 11-May-16 15:39:16

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.

Jan45 Wed 11-May-16 15:39:35

He has grabbed my eldest round the throat and he shoves him quite a bit... My eldest no longer spends time in the front room with us when my husband is in.

Sorry to sound harsh but you are putting an arsehole bully before your own son, jesus, is there something in the water today, what's with all these abusive men and women thinking it's all normal - OP, I assume you've been conditioned to believe his crap, please don't, you must know deep down this is damaging you and fucking up your son's head, I feel so sorry for him, please protect him and get him away from this monster.

PatriciaHolm Wed 11-May-16 15:42:08

He sounds abusive and vile. Its in no way normal, no. He put his hands round your eldest's throat?! How old is your child? If he went to school and mention that, teachers would have a safeguarding obligation to report.

He's soundly abusing you all.

MrsM42 Wed 11-May-16 15:44:27

I told him to leave when he grabbed my son (15 years old)... He refused to go and said I could leave with the older 2, but not my babies

JonSnowsBeardClippings Wed 11-May-16 15:45:08

You know what? I've been to court with a family once where the step dad did something similar to the child. We applied to remove the kids from the mum's care. The reason we had to go to court was because mum refused to leave the step dad.
What on earth are you doing? Yes of course you're being abused but more than that - you're allowing your child to be abused. What are you thinking? Where is your protective instinct?

JonSnowsBeardClippings Wed 11-May-16 15:46:27

You need to call the police and report the assault on your son. Your son needs to know he can tell the truth and do so. Social services will be informed but if you act protectively (don't let him back in the home) they will support you.

Jan45 Wed 11-May-16 15:48:13

You go then OP, sorry but honestly where is your loyalty, your child is being abused by an arsehole coward and you are doing fuck all about it, get in touch with Women's Aid, they will help you to get away from the fucken low life.

Sorry but I am so angry on your behalf, perhaps you are so downtrodden you can't see straight, there are people there to help you get out of this, you need to make that call.

Akire Wed 11-May-16 15:50:22

Sorry but he is being abusive and controlling never mind assaulting your son, the not going out without youngest?? Why incase you might spend money on your two? It's not normal you don't have to put up with it.

Akire Wed 11-May-16 15:52:54

If he's risk of assaulting his step son the courts arnt going to automatically give him youngest it's not a well of course I woulnt hurt my kids crap. Please get advice people who bully and abuse don't get custody of their kids. Him black mailer you its all or not youngest just shows how much of shit he is

Chlobee87 Wed 11-May-16 15:57:35

Definitely you need to call the police and report the assault. If he won't leave then that's the only option he's left you with.

I think you know the answer to your original question really, so hopefully everyone's posts have given you a bit more confidence. You should not have to take a double dose of antidepressants in order to tolerate your marriage. You know that really. You just have to be brave - he doesn't have as much power as you think he does. Call women's aid and please consider calling the police to report his assault of your son. If you don't then you must absolutely resolve to call them if (when) it happens again.

Be strong! flowers

YouAreMyRain Wed 11-May-16 15:58:37

OP if you report the strangling (and it's fully investigated - I recently reported my ExH for hitting our 9yo DD around the head, SS did an "assessment" without speaking to anyone, not even DD, and closed the case with no action, so don't expect anything to actually happen sad) it should affect his case for keeping the youngest two DC.

You can't live like this, any of you.

MessyBun247 Wed 11-May-16 16:13:00

Please get away from him sad he's a controlling bully and deep down you know that. His behaviour is not normal.

You are your children deserve to be happy and SAFE. He should never put his hands on your child.

When you say 'I'm not allowed to....' Then you are being controlled. You are an adult and a mother, and you don't need anyone's permission to live your life in the way you want to.

Bring with a controlling and abusive person messes with your head, and they try and make you feel as if everything is your fault. My emotionally abusive exH made me genuinely feel as if I was going mad sometimes.

Start planning your escape now flowers it will be the best thing you ever do and your children will thank you for it when they are older.

ElspethFlashman Wed 11-May-16 16:28:16

So your eldest is 15? I imagine he's the one planning his exit. What a miserable life he must live.

Hissy Wed 11-May-16 16:41:27

That child will run as far and as fast from you the minute he can. It's you that's failing to protect him, don't kid yourself it's anything else.

When the others get bigger, he'll start on them.

You have to act right now.

Report the assault.

Hissy Wed 11-May-16 16:43:09

If you won't protect him love, I would. Send him to me. The 15 yo, not your revolting p.

Although actually, i could wipe the floor with him in the time it takes to boil a kettle.

Do something. ANYTHING!

Nothing is not an option.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Wed 11-May-16 16:59:29

I'm not allowed to..... he grabbed my eldest around the throat.....

Yes, you're being controlled and he has assaulted your eldest. There is never a reason for grabbing someone's throat. Use the women's aid number and make the call, you need help here to leave.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 11-May-16 17:00:26

And I doubt very much he wants full custody of your "babies."

MrsM42 Wed 11-May-16 17:09:15

I've sent a message to women's aid.. It's not safe to phone... I'll take whatever help I can to make sure my children are safe

YouAreMyRain Wed 11-May-16 17:12:03

Well done OP brew

They will thank you in the long run, no matter how hard it is

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