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Getting over someone you met online who lives far away

(19 Posts)
darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 13:10:17

Hi everyone, today I wish to talk about my current situation with regards to someone I met on a forum. Me and her have been friends for nearly two years now and we've been good friends and have a lot in common such as personality, humour and music to some extent etc. There's also these sites that a lot of us on the forum use, (now dubtrack) and (music playing and browser/webcam sharing chat sites) and I used to go on those sites a lot but from around November of last year until March or so I stopped going on them due to college commitments and stuff but she didn't know this reason and she's often said that she misses me on those sites (I'm still a regular on the forum tho same as her). I was convinced to come back to these sites around late March and I was developing feelings for her beyond friends. I had the impression that she felt something for me which I guess is common for many people when they feel that way about someone and you misinterpret what they are saying and are just being friendly. In early April I PMed a close friend of the site about my feelings and asking for advice (we also have a lot of things in common which was really helpful)

We've said about whether or not she likes me in the same way, whether I like her as more than a friend or I'm just bonding with her more as friends (but I still have feelings for her and it's been like that for over a month now) her posts towards me just seemed like she liked me more than a friend, but I eventually told her my feelings which I'll talk about further down.

As I got closer to wanting to tell her I kinda made suggestions in my posts that I liked her and she seemed a bit confused but as the chat suggested she didn't suspect that it was about my feelings for her.

[Facebook conversation removed by MNHQ at OP's request]

After that we kinda should have discussed more about where to go from there. I kinda took the "rejection" quite well really, but I wasn't sure if she did like me in that way as she was suggesting she did see us as compatible but the location issue she highlighted several times and it seemed like she wished we were closer and would have given us a go. I think if she was interested in an online thing she would have worded it differently, but I do kind of agree, there's not much point in liking someone so far away (She lives in Scotland and she's a student at college like me)

A couple of weeks later she mentioned a couple of times in a thread about losing sleep and I was wondering if it was about our chat, but I still thought it might also be about her study struggles too but pmed her anyway. She said her sleep loss wasn't about the chat but about her workload which I did consider a possibility. I also mentioned about how our relationship should progress, she said she has been thinking about it a lot however. She wants to know what I feel about it all. She highlighted what j said in the chat about not wanting her to treat me any differently (i said this because it was kind of a way of me preparing her of what I was going to say and I told her this also) she also said she wasn't sure how to act around me after the chat, such as our humour and that things she might say might "hit a nerve" with me or something. I replied and said that she can of course keep talking to me just as she has been doing before.

[Removed by MNHQ for privacy]

This suggested that she was hoping I would move on and stay as just friends, so I just said yes I would be OK with being just friends but mildly suggesting I'm still up for having feelings for her even with the location barrier.

Before my chat with her on FB my posts did seem a little enthusiasm about her and a couple of members seemed to pick that up and that worried me a bit as I thought she would feel uncomfortable with that. I have kind of helped by being enthusiastic about a couple of other members too to try and stop them getting suspicious lol.

But the reason why I signed up here is for advice on letting go. She posted a really pretty photo of herself on the forum and it didn't really help my feelings go away :') so I thought maybe some of you on here can help a bit. As I said there's not really any point in liking someone so far away and ego doesn't see an online thing as an option (and I don't really either but I guess I kind of do, it's hard to explain)

Sorry this is a long post and a lot of it is worded badly and isn't all that relevant but I think the more I post the better an idea you guys can get and help me move on. I did think maybe some time off the forum would help that but she's already said she's missed me off the external sites when I had my time off so to leave the forum for a while would probably upset her a bit (pretty sure she won't think it is because of her, even if it is, but it's been difficult for the both of us, I still feel bad about putting her through all this tbh.

I don't really date (and she's said in a thread she doesn't put herself out either and we've both never really had experience in relationships) it just came to me that id never met someone that I have so much in common with but I guess if we maintain such a strong friendship it could be something more later down the line possibly. I think right now I just want to be friends and stop thinking about it all so I'm not wasting time thinking about it but not completely getting rid of my feelings in case maybe she suggests something later on. I'm still such a noob with girls and relationships like she is really which I guess helps.

I guess her developing feelings is possible later on, but even if she did that wouldn't really change much as she doesn't really see an online relationship as an effective one. It could persuade her to be interested in a relationship ie a meetup every 6 months or so and online the rest of the time and maybe webcams and stuff but I'm pretty sure she's just wanting us to be friends, for now at least.

I also think this post she made around February time in a thread titled "Being single" may help:

[Removed by MNHQ for privacy]

This is basically me but I didn't post anything in the thread, she's also talking about "real life" relationships here most likely.

If there's any questions about this I can try to answer them :D

fastdaytears Wed 11-May-16 13:12:59

You say you're at college, how old are you?

ALaughAMinute Wed 11-May-16 14:00:07

I think you're investing way too much in a woman you've never met and that you need to get out more! Are there no nice girls at college?

RedMapleLeaf Wed 11-May-16 14:20:27

I don't often think this, but I really think you need to get out more in terms of meeting new people and socialising with them.

I don't think she has any feelings for you beyond friendship and has handled the situation very well. Still hurts though flowers

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 14:57:49

I'm 20.

You are missing the point. I want to get over it and move on but stay friends. I'm not really one to look for someone, she just clicked with me.

I do know I should "get out more" too :P

fastdaytears Wed 11-May-16 15:03:51

The thing is, being friend with her will be easier (or might not seem as important) when you're interested in other people.

Is she 20 too? She does seem quite childish to me. She's trying pretty hard to get a reaction from you

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 15:11:54

Yes it would be indeed. We've had a great friendship for nearly two years now. I'm not interested in anyone else currently. She is 20 in August when I'll be 21. What do you mean when you say she might be trying to get a reaction from me?

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 15:13:03

I don't see her as childish.

fastdaytears Wed 11-May-16 15:23:30

She could have said "thanks but no" (well a bit nicer) and left it there. It reads to me like she wants to keep you interested and a bit of drama. She has been asking you about this and I don't understand why.

If someone likes me and I don't like them I'm mortified and leave the whole topic alone. I don't write long public essays about it or keep messaging the person.

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 15:27:32

Yes it did seem like she worded it to make me feel as less hurt as possible. That can have its disadvantages too but either way she doesn't see a relationship atm. As for the thing about her messaging me a lot we are great friends so that's probably just her trying to sound as friendly as possible. Thanks for the replies guys.

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 15:45:42

Oh and if I didn't make it clear earlier we have been on webcam together a few times but it's not really the same as meeting in person.

Ducky11 Wed 11-May-16 16:25:42

You might want to ask MNHQ to delete this post as it is quite identifying.

pocketsaviour Wed 11-May-16 16:30:33

The best way to get your mind off her is to stop talking to her.

She's not interested in you. She's not going to become interested in you. Stop trying to maintain a friendship which she now probably finds quite awkward.

I would take time away from this forum, whatever it is, and concentrate on your studies and widening your real life social circle.

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 16:34:04

You are missing the point. She has said several times that she values are friendship a lot. To stop talking to her or spending time off the forum would ruin that friendship most likely. And she isn't awkward around me at all any more. How much of my post did you read exactly?

It's a music forum not a dating one if that's what you were thinking.

fastdaytears Wed 11-May-16 17:28:46

She has said several times that she values are friendship a lot

I'm sorry Op but you have a lot to learn

Hydroshield Wed 11-May-16 17:47:56

Everyone is missing the point!!!
Reading 16 paragraphs and then being berated for not paying attention can do that to you.

darkchoc26 Wed 11-May-16 17:53:33

fastdaytears please elaborate.

(I'm sorry about the big OP btw) I know it's big and kind of distracts from the initial title of the thread which was the original intention.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 11-May-16 19:07:27

To stop talking to her or spending time off the forum would ruin that friendship most likely.

How would spending a few evenings a week off the forum ruin your friendship? Wouldn't it give you even more to talk about?

Also, trying to be discrete, I agree with ducky.

Phoeberdoos Wed 11-May-16 19:33:20

What stops you getting out more and meeting new people? That is your real difficulty. I've been in your shoes to some extent and believe me when I say getting out and meeting real life people is much more fulfilling.

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